The Ultimate Snack Food Draft: Rounds 1 and 2

What a long and strange quarantine it has been (and is continuing to be and will continue to be until there’s a vaccine because pandemics don’t just end because you are bored and miss patio brunch, Karen). Quarantine brought many things, but one of its biggest challenges is what we, as adults, ought to do with its biggest silver lining; spare time that we never thought we’d see until we are old enough for our testicles to touch the toilet water. All across the world, many people have spent these newfound hours learning new practical skills, picking up new hobbies, and committing to fitness, among countless other productive options. However, we have a feeling a lot of you are like us, and your quarantine checklist may have been edited from “commit to fitness” to “commit to ‘fitness’ whole-ass frozen pizza in my tummy’.

There is not an ounce of shame in the Quarantine 15 (editors note: co founder Brandon gained a quarantine 26 before losing weight because he could no longer fit into any of his pants). In times of great stress and uncertainty, our favorite snacks are there for us, which got some friends at FBC thinking: What is your ultimate snack lineup?

Therefore, we did what we do to all great questions in life: treat it like sports. We got some FBC writers together for an ultimate snack fantasy draft, each picking our favorite from a variety of categories to cover as much of the spectrum of snackage as possible. Our only real rule on this one was that each item must be purchasable at a grocery store or convenience store, as fast food items could constitute an entire draft all their own. 

-Jake Breunig

1.Chip/Cracker (includes pretzels and other crunchy salted snacks)

Michael Grace- Store Brand Wavy Prime Rib and Horseradish Chips

There are people who know this chip, and people in the dark. This is the single greatest flavor of chip there is, and it is worthy of the first overall distinction. I remember the first time I had these chips, that’s how out-of-this-world they are. It was back in 2012. I had given them a shot out of pure curiosity. They were Meijer brand, so at worst I’m out a few bucks. I was awestruck. Then, they were gone. I couldn’t find them anymore. It took two years for the PRH chips to come back into my life. As fate would have it, I found a bag the day before I moved across the state to a region bereft of my long lost savory love. But as the prodigal son returned to love and fanfare, so did the PRH return to my pantry. I won’t ever let it go again. I will sing its praises.

Brandon Andreasen-Kettle Brand Crinkle Cut Spicy Queso

Drafting this chip is like being able to draft Ken Griffey Jr. in his prime. In fact, Kettle Brand is the Seattle Mariners of the mid 90’s. Randy Johnson is the Wasabi Ranch. Jay Buhner is Fiery Thai in Avocado Oil. Edgar Martinez is the Sea Salt and Vinegar. Alex Rodriguez is Honey Dijon.. Dan Wilson is New York Cheddar. Jamie Moyer is Unsalted.
But Crinkle Cut Spicy Queso is the chip god. It is the generational flavor of chip that we will be talking about decades from now. Ken Griffey Jr. is one of the best baseball players of all time, and damnit, Kettle Brand Crinkle Cut Spicy Queso is the chip G.O.A.T.

Jake Breunig-Munchies Cheese Fix

Remember that taco shell commercial with the adorable little girl who said “why not both”? I don’t remember what exactly she was referring to, but she made a damn good point. Why settle for just one chip? I didn’t. In fact, I got fucking greedy and picked a 4-chip powerhouse. That greed overshadowed my usual top pick of Ruffles All-Dressed (aka if flavor was a bully and shook you down for your lunch money), which, if you know me, is a big deal. 

Munchies Cheese Fix is the ultimate mix of salty/cheesy goodness that will have you in an orange-dusted haze quicker than you can say “you know, Sun Chips are really underrated”. They are, and luckily, their standout Harvest Cheddar flavor finds a home in Munchies Cheese Fix, along with the classic Crunchy Cheeto, reliable Nacho Cheese Dorito, and Rold Gold Twists, the best pretzel in the god damned game. Take your Chex Mix and Gardetto’s and shove them where the Sun Chips don’t shine.

Rick Copper-Kettle Brand Sea Salt and Vinegar

NOBODY NEEDS ANYTHING ELSE! ANGRY?! HELL YES I AM – good gravy look at the other selections on this list. Just look at them. At least Tim is in the right ballpark. These other boneheads? Are you kidding me? I have to assume you all either wear wife beaters or nothing it all and let the crumbs fall where they may.
Potato… Salt… Vinegar. The rest of these insane decisions (Tim again being somewhat of an exception) are clearly in favor of fake and probably ingest their loathsome choices with Rush Limbaugh blaring across their last remaining speaker working.

Tim Nemec-Lay’s Wavy Hickory BBQ Chips

I don’t do sports; the extent of my fantasy draft experiences have been to “which reality show contestant will be eliminated next” and “how long until my friend breaks up with her racist boyfriend”. But if there is one thing I know, it’s junk food, and by god, if Wavy Hickory BBQ Chips by Lay’s aren’t a great analogy for watching a seasoned professional simply stepping their way to the top spot, I don’t know what will; even Lay’s think so! You want a different BBQ potato chip? Well Lay’s heard you and gave you a tangier option with more texture and bite. 

2: Cookie

Tim-Chewy Chips A’hoy!

A good cookie always knows there is room for improvement; the best of us always know when it’s time to put some time in and make a change for ourselves. That’s exactly what Nabisco did in the 1980’s with the introduction of Chewy Chips Ahoy! No longer would the cookie eater have to worry about a dry-ass, crumbly cookie. Now you could have a chewy wonder, fit to be called the best cookie.

Rick- Classic Oreo

The millions upon millions of uses you can have for an Oreo speaks better to a cookie lover than Mel Gibson did to his horde when he played William Wallace. Easy to dip. Easy to crumble. You can make a freakin’ pie crust out of them, then fill it with more Oreos to make an Oreo pie.
Not to say the rest of these choices are not good. They are. I shed a tear when I saw this list. So proud.

Jake- Thin Mint

It’s the superior Girl Scout cookie. Take your Do-Si-Dos and Tagalongs and get bent.

Does my peanut allergy play into a bit of a bias? I don’t know. Fuck you. Wanna fight about it?

The combo of mint and chocolate in any form is like a drug to me, and when Girl Scout Cookie season is upon us, I get a stockpile of these little bite-size suckers that I can pop into my mouth like the mood stabilizers I was once prescribed that made me feel like my brain wasn’t going full-on Trainspotting all damn day. Actually, now that I think about it, Thin Mints and pills is one of my favorite breakfasts. I should go see that psychiatrist again…

Brandon- chocolate Chip Oreos

This is such a good pick for me, it’s almost cheating. You know what is awesome? Chips Ahoy. You know what else is awesome? Oreos. Tim and Rick literally used the top two picks on the cookie i’m getting with the fourth pick in the round. That’s value right there!
Give me this and some chocolate almond milk and some Mystery Science Theater 3000, and I’ve got myself a high school Friday night…I was not popular in high school.

Michael-Nutter Butter

It’s like an oreo, but entirely peanut-butter based. I’ve got hot takes about Oreos, too. The stuff is the worst part, but you’re all too wrapped up in the halcyon digest of scraping it off a perfectly good cookie back in 1995 or whatever to realize it. The Nutter Butter? Crisp peanut butter cookie, creamy-sweet peanut butter filling. And to top it all off- IT’S SHAPED LIKE A PEANUT. Come on. For aesthetics, flavor, and style, the Nutter Butter is in a class of its own. It has no need to dress itself in the trappings of birthday cake or mint. It got it right the first time.

Rounds 3 and 4 tomorrow

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s