Roughneck Report – Take 4

Woot. Woot… and Woot.

Yes, Roughneck fans, and you know who you are you Rowdies, the Roughnecks are undefeated! You know what that means, yep – they have yet to lose a game!

Un•de•feat•ed: not defeated, especially in a battle or other contest.

The Houston Roughnecks rolled into Dallas like a drunk tumbleweed on acid and demolished the retched Renegades. Oh sure the final score, 27-20, and those pesky factual stats that indicated it was a close game doesn’t seem like a ‘demolishing,’ but let me tell you those Roughnecks made sure they demolished the Renegades in their head! Yes, a complete psychological ass-kicking especially to…

Dallas QB Landry Jones, named ‘Landry’ because his mother was a maid and his dad couldn’t spell, fumbled when he got sacked in the 4th quarter and Roughneck Robinson picked up the pumpkin and roughneck-rumbled 12 yards for the game sealer.

The day didn’t start out great, but they still got the V. Their bus, scheduled to do the Dr. Pepper Museum & Free Enterprise Institute tour in Waco before game time, got a flat tire after it ran over a Trumper’s broken mixed message sign that read “Texas is mucho grande! Immigrants go home.” After many of the players tried to lift the bus to get the spare on simultaneously yelling ‘thanks Obama!’ and emptying their stomachs of the traditional Taco Bus huevos rancheros combo, it looked like all hope may be lost. But no, they were rescued by a long-distance trucker named Dean James hauling Jimmy Dean Sausage and Krispy Kremes. Filled to their rough necks with this, how could they lose? As you know, they didn’t. Bravo Roughnecks! And bravo to you Nick Holley who torched the Renegades for 97 receiving yards and successfully avoiding breaking any bones.

Note to Nick: DUDE – YOU ONCE BROKE YOUR BACK – STOP PLAYING FOOTBALL!!

Their next game ought to be an easy one. It’s a home game, so back to play in the Astrodome… Wait, what? They’re still at TDECU Stadium? Doesn’t the entire universe known as Houston know the Roughnecks are undefeated? They will not be treated this way! Wait, what? They closed the Astrodome in 2008? This will not stand! Wait, what? It will? They are contractually obligated to play at TDECU Stadium? OK fine. Damn.

This Saturday! Saturday! Saturday! the Roughnecks will be hosting the Dragons of Seattle. Dragons… uh huh… draggin’ their tired asses all over our field! Seattle is 1-3! It’s a 12 point spread! What could go wrong?!

Well…

Seattle is full of honesty and good vibes. They have former Seahawk QB Jim Zorn as their coach, Pike Place Market, the Space Needle, Ichiro Suzuki, the Mariners (who have never been in a World Series but at least they didn’t cheat like the HOUSTON ASTROS), Chiluly Garden and Glass and so much more! Yes, they are traveling to Houston to play the fabulous Roughnecks, but they bring a little bit of Seattle with them to every road game. Last road game the Dragons brought along a tiny chunk of Chiluly. So it didn’t work as they lost to the heinous St. Louis Battlehawks, but this time they are bringing Ichiro Suzuki’s game worn, and very unclean, baseball hose he donned when he broke the record for most hits in a season while eating sushi at home plate (don’t look it up, just believe me).

And that’s what could go wrong – smelly Seattle mojo coming in to Houston like a warm wind reeking of rancid tequila and tacos de pascado wafting in from the coast.

And what do we have? Obviously not the Astrodome, or honest Astros, or a proper zoning commission so our houses don’t get flooded every time a hurricane goes through which is nearly every year – thanks Obama. Dang… wait, we have James Harden… and taco trucks! Yeah fully-inspected taco trucks!

So nay I say – nay! We will not be swayed from our unbridled enthusiasm for our undefeated team by a bunch of fart-eating, fish-sucking dragons! This Saturday we will yell and cheer, and cheer and yell:

Roughnecks! Roughnecks!

We kick ass not kiss,

We’re smoother than

Dragon’s psoriasis!

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