Brandon Solves the Internet II

Welcome to another edition of Brandon Solves The Internet, an occasional column in which Fancy Boys Club founder Brandon Andreasen scours the internet for the best questions being asked around the web and uses his expertise in all things to answer them. This week, Brandon tackles fishing, classic furniture placement, and other topics. Let’s jump in!

From Field and Stream

What is the best type of bait to use this time of the year for stripers and blues?
-Jerseyboy1316

Great question, Jerseyboy. If I had a dollar for every person who went out on the open water thinking they were going to catch Striped Bass and Bluefish with week old pork chops attached to barbed wire, then I wouldn’t have to write this column. I could simply laser etch my prescient words onto the moon.

Now, I assume you have already failed in the tried and true methods of catching Striped Bass, which is to challenge them to a boxing match and if that fails, dress as a beautiful female Striped Bass and seduce the actual fish until BAM, you grab it and throw it in the boat.

Now my great grandpappy Horace had a trick when he was catching fish up and down the eastern seaboard during his free time while being a roadie for the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. This is a family secret and it’s been passed down from generation to generation in my family. I’ll give you that secret now…a live horse. This might seem preposterous, and I’m not going to lie to you, pappy had some stories about trying to get a full size horse onto a small fishing boat, but it is a tried and true successful method.

First things first, you have to find a proper looking horse. Too small of a horse, and the fish won’t give it a second thought and will just swim away. Too large of a horse and you will never be able to cast him out properly, because of the unnecessary wind resistance the horse causes. That’s why my family had always gotten our horses at “Honest Ted’s Horse, Donkey, and Beta Fish Emporium.” Has the place been shut down numerous times? You bet. Has Honest Ted always found a new trash barge to float into international waters to start his business up again? Damn right he has. Ted is a Vietnam vet with Tinnitus who just loves breeding and selling horses for sport fishing. Everyone has their passions, right? He will always set you up with a bronco who is going to give off just enough fight to make the Striped Bass feel like it is being challenged, while not putting up too much of a fight that Poseidon himself has to weigh in on the proceedings (Poseidon has a horrible gambling problem and will bet on anything. He lost a LOT of money betting on Deontay Wilder).

I know what you are thinking. How can I possibly cast a horse without a hook? Great question. What most people don’t know about horses is that, when you get them soaking wet, they essentially become big toothed porcupines, so you are good there. I’m sure you are also wondering right now what type of fishing line you should use? I always recommend the H15-Gladiator fishing line. Remember in 2008 when the stock market crashed and everyone got their Hummers repossessed? This fishing line is made out of those Hummers, so you know its quality!

Once your horse is cast out, it’s waiting time. Stripers and Blues aren’t out there to make your life easy on you. The horse is gonna swim around and make himself at home in the ocean. That’s totally fine. An angry horse is a difficult horse to catch fish with. If you don’t catch anything, then don’t sweat it. The horse makes a fine yard pet until it’s time to fish again. The horse will mostly eat Chef Boyardee, pumpkin pie filling, pretty much anything you can find in your pantry until it is time to fish again.

From Yankee Magazine

How Do I add a touch of nature to my holiday décor?
-Kate Hathaway

I have never been more prepared to answer a question in my life. Kate, I know it’s February, but it is NEVER too early to start thinking about Christmas decorations. Nature is one of the ultimate tasteful ways to show everyone in the neighborhood that you are serious about your Yuletide endeavors. And let me tell you what the hot holiday trend of 2020 will be….Fancy Dressed Taxidermy animals!!!

Why be that neighbor ruining his knees going up and down a ladder in 15-degree temperature just so their gutters can look like an international airport runway? You will get the same head turns and jaw drops with a nativity scene made completely out of animals you shot with a bb gun when they rummaged through your garbage. How could you not look and smile at the most adorable looking raccoon dressed as a shepherd at the manger? And did he bring frankincense? More like frankincense of style if you ask me!

Impress friends and family when they come over to spread cheer the moment they walk through the door with that owl you hit with your car, dressed as an elf! But that is just an amuse-bouche to the main event. You didn’t know what to do with it when your great uncle left it to you in his will. It sat in a storage locker for years. You kept saying you couldn’t get rid of it because it was an heirloom of your family. But now…now is your moment. Nothing will ever say Christmas like Ol’ Saint Nick. Wait, that’s not St. Nick. It’s a Brown Bear in a Santa Claus outfit!

People from down the block will be knocking on your door to take a picture with your holiday cheer! They will be taking pictures with your big ol’ bear for their Christmas Cards next year. Let them. 2021 will bring a whole different holiday fashion. Spoiler Alert, it’s Rocky Horror Picture Show themed!

From Martha Stewart Living

I recently purchased a home that is quite dated. What should I do with the 70’s themed furniture? Is it worth saving?
-Alan Moore

Alan, I assume you have already tried burning down the house for insurance money, and all that damned asbestos kept it from going up, leaving you with a shag carpet and circular furniture monstrosity. But there is hope.

BOOMER. RETIREMENT. HOME. If I’ve learned anything about people born in the 1950’s and 1960’s, it’s that change terrifies them. They like their gender roles specified, their presidents white, and they all think there are just too many damn television stations nowadays. What better way for them to inch into their golden years than to go back to something they are very familiar with: an interior design disaster of their own making!

The upside with boomer is, they are the generation that learned to hate fresh food. They existed almost exclusively off of heavily processed products that they could eat while condescending to younger generations over financial messes they themselves created! This means that it won’t cost much to feed them, maximizing value you get from their Medicare checks they were so confident they wouldn’t need later in life.

The house will be nothing but creature comforts. Sweet potatoes with marshmallows. A white mail man. Newsweek Magazine. Everything one could possibly hope for as their paranoia that the younger generations are slowly poisoning them grows. Don’t worry, you can always wipe your fear away in that dying asparagus green tub that exists in that color because apparently most of America operated exclusively in black and white back then. Oh, you want to watch a new tv show? Settle down, fella, you get five television stations, and they all play Wheel of Fortune.

It won’t be so bad, though. Whatever new and great social media app is out will be available to you so you can talk to your friends, family, and spread horrifying amounts of misinformation. Just kidding, you won’t be allowed on any new and exciting forms of social media. Enjoy Facebook, suckers!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s