If Cartoons Were Walking Around In Our World Right Now, You Would Not Be Chill About It

I will start by saying I have no plans to see Sonic the Hedgehog, but I morally support the career of James Marsden. He is now a two-time cartoon-in-reality film star. Prior to Sonic, Marsden was in the brutally-seasonal Easter Bunny film, Hop.

Cartoons interacting with the real world is no new venture, but sometimes I get the feeling that our human counterparts are too damn chill about being in the presence of a sentient drawing.

Let me be clear- if this happened to you, the only result is instantaneous cardiac arrest.

For what its worth, Piper Perabo was never thrown off. In 2000’s The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle, her (aptly named) Karen Sympathy is all about helping the demons from another plane cartoons with their plan to save the day. Apparently, much like in Who Framed Roger Rabbit, these interactions are totally normal.

This leads to an even more unsettling rabbit hole- have the cartoons been here, living in our midst for generations? Just look how casually Karen speaks to the titular squirrel and moose.

when I was 13, I definitely thought this movie looked great

Take note that John Goodman is just a cop and not her dad. You’re thinking of Coyote Ugly, which is a different movie.

The acceptance of cartoon culture is so prevalent that they even take courtesy to pixelate Rocky and Bullwinkle’s faces to obscure their identity. How many animated squirrels and moose are wandering around this planet for that to be relevant?

When Michael Jordan was pulled into hell through a golf course to Loony Tunes land, he barely batted an eye. In fact, SPOILER ALERT, by the end of the movie, he ends up utilizing cartoon ideology on his own person to save the day.

Alexa, play the climax of Space Jam.

Color me shocked that MJ would do whatever it takes to cover the spread.

Its almost as if James Marsden is the only one acting normal when he encounters a non-carbon based lifeform. Just look at his reaction to meeting the literal Easter Bunny.

Or when he meets Sonic the Hedgehog.

at 37 seconds in, the face of understandable terror

Even scream king James Marsden eventually bites the bullet and succumbs to the new reality. Seen here, doing what he does best, driving cartoons around.

So why is this the case? Do the horrifying monsters adorable creatures put us under some sort of trance? Because if Tommy Pickles walked into this room right now I’d punt that wide-mouth abomination halfway to Detroit and prepare for the end of days.

And yeah sure you can say “but Michael, its just a movie.” I don’t care. For a century, movies have been used as propaganda to indoctrinate the public. What if this is Big Animation’s way of getting us comfortable with seeing their kind around?

While this tweeter is trying to make a joke about repetition in film production, but I see something far more sinister. None of these people are even the slightest bit terrified that an other-dimensional being is mere inches from them.

How would you react? Probably a stroke or something. You can’t tell me you’d be fine with this. Sure you act tough, but if you saw Goofy’s goofy ass walk into your bedroom at night and wake you with a “GOARSH” as he trips over the stack of Dominos pizza boxes next to your bed you’d die. You’d literally fucking die. But no, Perabo, Marsden, et al are all cool as a fuckin cucumber.

Stay vigilant, True Believers. For they are here, and they have intentions.

We can only hope that LeBron James keels over the moment he sees Bugs Bunny or whatever nightmarish ghoul delightful childhood icon he encounters first in Space Jam 2.

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