Roughneck Report, Take 3

Okay Roughneck Rowdies (not sure of you are aware as an avid Roughneck fan you are a Rowdy, but – according to me – you are) our team’s ride into Tampa proved to be a rough one. I suspect it was all due to repeated visits to Taco Bus, but somehow they came out on top 34-27.

Yes they are still undefeated, but there are issues. The Roughneck D allowed the Vipers O to score 27 points – over twice as much as they scored in total the first two games. Allowing Marc Trestman’s shaky offense to put up points plus fang them for nearly 400 yards is a bad omen for week 4, Rowdies. The game was a back and forth affair. We had the ball, they had the ball, we had the ball again, and so forth. They scored, we scored, blah blah blah. As for Roughneck RB Nick Holley, he rushed 1 time for 1 yard, caught 2 passes for 7 yards, and made it through without breaking his back. NICK – YOU BROKE YOUR BACK – STOP PLAYING FOOTBALL! GEEZ!

The Vipers tried to trick us by sending over a truckload of Taco Bus for our team’s halftime snack, but it didn’t work. Why? Because our team is smart. The Roughnecks tossed the Taco Bus – fine food really but not for halftime – and went with the traditional orange slices we’ve loved ever since we’ve been playing football as kids. They took Florida’s favorite crop – aside from gross industrial Disney tourism – and used it against them darn Vipers! Ha! Take that!

And who is our opponent for week 4?

It’s a road game against our interstate rival, the Dallas Renegades. Right now our team is undefeated against the hated Renegades. Of course, we’ve never played them, there’s that, so we both stand at 0-0. The Renegades with their stolen (typical of them) theme song play in Globe Life Park which is the MLB Texas Rangers former stadium. The stadium holds 48,000 of which more than half will be Roughneck Rowdies – am I right?! Renegades suck! Yeah!

Okay, sit back down. So the Renegades, as their name attests, will do anything to get a victory. Just look at the definition of the word Renegade:

“A person who deserts and betrays an organization, country or set of principles.”

And this team is based in Dallas. What else has ever happened in Dallas where the word ‘renegade’ may have been appropriately used? Does the name Lee Harvey Oswald ring a bell, XFL? What in the name of Vince McMahon were the XFL bigwigs thinking when they named this team the Renegades? And the hashtag the Renegades love to use is #raisinghell. Good gravy that’s all so dumb.

As it is, the Renegades are not a great team, but then again neither were the Vipers and we barely escaped that venomous nest. So what will the Roughnecks need to studiously avoid in order to come out with a victory in Dallas?

The Dealey Plaza

Be good to your team and give them a history lesson without actually going there, head coach June Jones. Here is where the grassy knoll is located and where… well you know.

The Dallas Inferiority Complex

Roughnecks, do not fall for this silly argument. You’re simply not bigger Dallas. Houston is 669 square miles, and you? You Texas second citiers sit at a mere 385 square miles. Eat that for your daily breakfast, Renegades!

The Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport

First of all, it’s ‘International’ which means foreign. Secondly, you’re taking the bus, Roughnecks. Depending upon which way you drive – like if you want to take a side trip to the highly-recommended Dr. Pepper Museum & Free Enterprise Institute in Waco – it’s only a 3 to 6 hour road trip.

Crow Collection of Asian Art

While a museum is generally a great place to go, crows do not collect art, they collect shiny objects… and roadkill. Don’t be fooled, Roughnecks.

Six Flags over Texas

Yes, it is an Uncle Rico Hail Mary pass close to Globe Life Park, and the Renegades will try to entice you with fast passes to go to Six Flags before game time. DO NOT DO IT. While it may sound like a lot of fun, rollercoasters are specifically designed to make you dizzy and crave awful food like funnel cakes.

Hotel Accommodations

I’m totally kidding. No hotel. Just like high school, you’re taking the bus there, playing the game, taking the bus back. It’s all part of the cost-saving strategy employed by your owner, Vince McMahon.

As for the actual game? C’mon, Rowdies! Have no fear. The Roughnecks will roll over the Renegades easier than a carny creates a funnel cake. Get ready for this Sunday’s tilt. Make some homemade funnel cakes and work on memorizing yet another of the classic Roughneck cheers:

Roughnecks! Roughnecks!

We won’t hit a homa,

We’ll score touchdowns,

Even with melanoma!

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