Well football fans, or XFL fans as this game certainly has the feel of football but is throwing my sports clock off by having football this time of year, it looks as if the Houston Roughnecks are for real. Two wins, zero losses have them tied atop the league with evil DC Defenders.
Now the Oilers – again look at the logo, that’s no Roughneck to me that’s an oil derrick and that means Oilers – have to go on the road for the next two games. Their road record so far, standing at 0 wins and 0 losses, simply means their inexperience on the road may hurt them.
The game this Saturday is against the venomous Tampa Bay Vipers, and this is what they will face as challenges:
The Flight
They will be going commercial, perhaps flying in a Boeing 737 Max. Those planes can’t sit on the ground forever, right? Terrifying.
Hotel Accommodations
Not sure how much coin team owner Vince McMahon (he owns all the teams) is willing to fork over for an overnight stay, but this has Motel 6 written all over it. Clean comfy rooms for sure, but he’ll double them up and that is not comfy. Plus, without AC – that’s for QBs only – most of the players will be stifling in that swamp of a city.
Vittles
I’d say ‘food’ and use a fancy word like ‘stipend’ but c’mon now. These are Roughnecks dammit… and it’s Florida. They will be in Tampa and Tampa means Taco Bus. No that’s not a typo, it’s ‘Bus.’ They may have started in a bus, but these little spots now dot the Tampa landscape like acne does a teenager. They’ll be eating there probably three times a day. As efficient an operation as is a Taco Bus – they’re like the Waffle House of Mexican food – three times a day is a bit much for the digestive system.
The Actual Opponent
The Vipers: L, O, and L. Their coach is former Bears sideline prowler Marc Trestman. As per custom with a Trestman-led offense, their difficulties have been scoring. A dozen points in two games. Again, it’s a laugher and the Roughnecks will de-fang these Vipers without the use of Novocain.
The Previous Game
It was a tight one with the Roughnecks prevailing 28-24 over the St. Louis Battlehawks which reminds me of Battlebots which then reminds me I need to shave today (it’s an issue I have with sharp metal that could potentially harm me). What I’d love to do is provide an in-depth look at the stats the players had during the tilt.
But it’s difficult. Why you ask? The XFL sucks at making it easy to find stats. When even the most mundane of sports ‘channels’ like Yahoo Sports doesn’t have them, then who does? And don’t give me “McMahon doesn’t care about stats, those are for the record keepers, nerd!” What the hell do you think fans talk about? The size of stadium hot dogs? OK, some do and some probably should, but the fact remains without facts we have nothing. So I had to dig a little bit on the XFL’s navigationally hazardous website to find Roughneck QB P.J. Walker threw for 170 yards (yawn), WR Cam Phillips caught three touchdown passes (yea), and RB Nick Holley survived another game without breaking something (NOTE to Nick Holley- you broke your back, time to stop playing football, dude). They were outplayed, but somehow the Roughnecks won 28-24, remain undefeated at home, and June Jones is still their coach.
I’ll wrap this up slightly better than a narcissistic toddler wraps a Christmas present to himself. Before they face off against incredible road team odds against the likes of the Taco Bus menu and what may be some nasty motel carpet, I have to ask one simple question:
What kind of parent do you have to be to name your son ‘June?’
Game time is this Saturday at 2pm and on ABC, the network who memorialized the ‘agony of defeat.’ While you’re impatiently waiting, memorize one of the fabulous Roughneck cheers:
Roughnecks! Roughnecks!
We dare you to fight us,
Those aren’t normal flakes,
That’s dermatitis!
Fancy Boys Club 