The Angry Old White Man’s Guide to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame 2020

Hey Fuckers! It’s me, an angry white guy. I like to let the world know at all times what i’m mad about. I’m the reason you hate going on Facebook. My 18 Twitter followers know at all times what i’m pissed off about. The world is changing and i’m not emotionally equipped to handle it! You know what was great? 1988. It should stay 1988 forever. Man, 1988 rocked.

Anyway, those losers at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced their inductees today, and let me tell you, these guys are a bunch of mega losers! They wouldn’t know rock music if Poison came up and bit them in the ass. Nothing But a Good Time, amiright? These “voters” are a bunch of old white guys who are totally out of touch with music these days. Me? I stay on top of things. I just picked up the latest Night Ranger CD and let me tell you something, it rocks hard.

I’m the foremost expert on heavy metal music, which means I know everything about all music. I’m not one of these Matt Elfring boners out there trying to show that Rock and Roll is a term used to describe a broad spectrum of music and the act of having a museum and Hall of Fame is to be used as a living memory of all music, across many genres.

Fuuuuuuuuuuck him. He doesn’t know shit. It says Rock and Roll because of two reasons, the music should
A: ROCK
B: ROLL
You can’t rock and roll without a guitar or two, a bass, and drums, maaaaan. Do you think the Rolling Stones needed a synthesizer? Did Angus Young need a laser light show to salute those about to rock? If every genre of music exists, then why doesn’t every genre have their own Hall of Fame? They could put the rap hall of fame in Compton. hehe. Then it could get shot up. Thats what Big E Small and Piff Duddy TooPack Shaker would want, right?

Well hell, since we are here, let’s talk about all the bands that were nominated for the 2020 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and see who did and WHO FUCKING DIDN’T deserve to make it in.

PAT BENATAR

I’d like to hit her with my best shot, if you know what I mean…I want to have sex with her! Pat Benatar was hot, so she obviously deserves to be in. Pat Benatar had a bunch of hits and they have all the requirements. They have guitars. They have guitar solos. They have bass. There are drums.
Plus, I lost my hand virginity while listening to “Love is a Battlefield” so Benatar should be in.
Pat Benatar did not make the Hall of Fame. Fucking Losers.

DEPECHE MODE

Depeche Mode? Defuckingpeche Mode? That’s the music sad goths listened to after I beat them up in high school! This music turned people into sissys. I got caught in a Pride Parade last year while going to buy a bitchin’ jacket in the city back in 2012. I spent five hours letting Ls, Gs, and all sorts of Bs and Ts dance around my car. By the time I got there, the jacket was gone.
If it wasn’t for Depeche Mode, that parade wouldn’t have happened and I’d have gotten that jacket. They aren’t Rock and Roll. They are a sad Gap commercial.
Depeche Mode made the Hall of Fame. Bullshit.

THE DOOBIE BROTHERS

This was my dad’s favorite band, which means the Doobie Brothers suck! I tried to get my dad to listen to Ratt one time, and he said he preferred Sussudio by Phil Collins. Shows how little he knows. Phil Collins can lick by butt cheek. So can the Doobie Brothers.
I guess the Doobie Brothers are okay compared to most of these jokes of music. They played rock and roll, even if it was stupid stoner rock. They definitely don’t rock hard enough to make the Hall of Fame, though.
Doobie Brothers made the Hall of Fame. Whatever, dad.

WHITNEY HOUSTON

Oh no. NOT ON MY WATCH. NOT ON MY FUCKING WATCH. Whitney Houston does not, has not, and will never rock. You wanna dance with somebody? Go dance with a different Hall of Fame because you aren’t allowed in this one.
If Whitney Houston was so good, name one bitchin’ guitar solo on here music? You can’t. You know why? Because she isn’t Rock and Roll! Start a different Hall of Fame for all the lame asses that don’t know how to rock, name it after Donny Osmond, then take that Hall of Fame and blow it up! Because you will never be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!
Whitney Houston made the Hall of Fame. THIS IS NOT RIGHT!

JUDAS PRIEST

YESSSSSS!!! OH HELL YESSSSS!!!! BRITISH STEEL! HELLBENT FOR LEATHER! SCREAMING FOR VENGEANCE! I WORE A LEATHER JACKET IN HIGH SCHOOL EVERY DAY WITH A JUDAS PRIEST PATCH ACROSS THE BACK! YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE JUDAS PRIEST IS ROCK AND ROLL. ROCK AND FUCKING ROLL. HEAVY METAL! THEY ARE GODS. ROB HALFORD IS TOO GOOD FOR YOUR SHIT. I HOPE HE GETS IN AND TAKES A DUMP ON ARETHA FRANKLIN’S GOLD RECORDS!
Judas Priest did not make the Hall of Fame. Because this is fucking rigged.

KRAFTWERK

Kraftwerk is from Germany! Germany doesn’t know how to rock. They can’t even win a World War. You know who wins World Wars? America, where Metallica is from! Kraftwerk is noise. You might as well induct The Chipmunks into the Hall of Fame if you let these synthesizer humping krauts into the Hall of Fame? Name one of their songs! You can’t. They suck too hard to be memorable.
Kraftwerk did not make the Hall of Fame. And they never will!

MC5

MC5 INVENTED PUNK ROCK! THE RAMONES WERE A BUNCH OF PUSSIES COMPARED TO MC5. THE CLASH CAN EAT A MONSTER PILE OF ROYAL DONG IF THEY THINK THEY INVENTED PUNK ROCK.
PUNK ROCK ISN’T RANCID. PUNK ROCK ISN’T THOSE CRY BABIES IN NOFX AND THOSE BITCH TITS IN MXPX. GOLDFINGER? I’VE GOT A FINGER FOR YOU. MC5 DESERVES TO HAVE THEIR NAME LASER ETCHED ONTO THE FUCKING MOON. NOTHING EXISTS WITHOUT THEM! MAKE THE GREAT MUSIC TREE! THEY ARE THE ROOT. THE FUCKING ROOT.
MC5 did not make the Hall of Fame. YOU DON’T DESERVE THEM!

MOTORHEAD

Lemmy Kilmeister is the greatest frontman of all time. Not only should he be in the Hall of Fame, they should rename the Hall of Fame the “Lemmy Presents a Bunch of Bullshit That Isn’t as Cool Rock and Lemmy Hall of Lemmy.”
If Rock and Roll is a solar system, then Lemmy is the Sun. We all revolve around him. I rise in the morning to Lemmy. I go to bed as Lemmy fades at sunset. He is a star, baby!
They rock too hard for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame! Those uptight white people can’t even handle Motorhead being in the Hall of Fame. They might have to move some of Kenny Loggins shit because Motorhead rocks so hard, that Loggins’ shit might catch fire. Same goes for Messina. Messina and his xylophone or whatever he played could never handle Motorhead.
Motorhead did not make the Hall of Fame. The Hall of Fame can fuck off so hard!

NINE INCH NAILS

Industrial Music is stupid and doesn’t deserve to be considered Rock and Roll and therefore shouldn’t make the Hall of Fame. You know what makes me feel like i’ve got a head like a hole? Listening to Trent Reznor and whatever robot fucking music he is producing. He isn’t creating. He isn’t slapping a fat bass. He isn’t shredding a mean solo. No, he is producing. Dicking around on a drum machine. I want to fuck his music like an animal, you know, like a Rhino fucking a hamster. INTO OBLIVION!!
BTW, fuck Trent for stealing my nickname, “Pretty Hate Machine.”
Nine Inch Nails made the Hall of Fame. Because there is no fucking justice!

THE NOTORIOUS B.I.G.

Nope. No way. Notorious Big has no business in the ROCK AND ROLL Hall of Fame. Let me repeat, ROCK AND ROLL. ROCK AND ROLL. ROCK AND MOTHER FUCKING ROLL. Notorious Big doesn’t play an instrument. He doesn’t even try. He just sits there and is fat. And dead. Anybody can rhyme. It’s not hard. Dr. Suess can do it! Watch…
Rock and Roll is about Rock
It don’t need your rap crap
And if you don’t like it
You can lick my hairy sack.
Notorious B.I.G. made the Hall of Fame. IT’S NOT ROCK AND ROLL GODDAMNIT!

RUFUS FT. SHAKA KHAN

I don’t know who this is. Pass.
Rufus did not make the Hall of Fame.

TODD RUNDGREN

Todd Rundgren is the Nickelback of the 70s, so he shouldn’t make the Hall of Fame, and should probably drive a car off a cliff, Thelma and Louise style. He also produced for Grand Funk Railroad, which is the Nickelback of the 80s. That’s two strikes. And i’ve seen your haircut. Strike three, buddy!
Todd Rundgren did not make the Hall of Fame. Finally some justice.

SOUNDGARDEN

Black Hole Sun, won’t you come, and kick some fuuuuucking ass. Black Hole Sun, won’t you come, won’t you cooooome. Put Soundgarden is! Chris Cornell rips, dude! RIP. He Rips in RIP. Soundgarden is the last band to make music to make the Hall of Fame. Every band after them sucks. Third Eye Blind came after them. So did N SYNC. I make a good point.
No band that started after 1991 should be allowed to enter the Hall of Fame. They don’t make Hall of Fame music. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame should be nothing but Rock and Roll produced during my golden years in life because everything made after that is stupid and has no meaning and doesn’t know how to really rock and is just corporate bullshit that was written to be in a Nike commercial. Foo Fighters can lick my dick!
Soundgarden did not make the Hall of Fame. Burn it down. Burn it all down!

T. REX

Bang a gong, get it on! That’s all you need. A sweet guitar riff and some bad ass lyrics! T Rex was psychedelic when urethra’s like The Beatles were pretending to be spiritual and psychedelic. The Rolling Stones could only dream of being this authentic! David Bowie shouted them out in song. So did The Ramones! The Who, too! They were really real. Not like these glam rock wannabes like My Chemical Romance and Thrice and Miley Cyrus.
T. Rex made the Hall of Fame. You are GODDAMN right they did.

THIN LIZZY

There is no justice in this world if Thin Lizzy isn’t already in the Hall of Fame. The Hall of Fame should not exist if Thin Lizzy is not apart of it. It’s like not putting Gale Sayers in the Hall of Fame. It’s like not putting Sandy Koufax in the Hall of Fame.
The Boys Are Back in Town is one of the finest examples of Rock music ever produced and put on vinyl. Phil Lynott should have a 50 foot tall statue in front of the Hall of Fame, then they should start a bonfire with all of Notorious B.I.G.’s stuff so nobody can get close enough to it to sully the bronzed image of Lynott.
You panty sniffers will never understand how great Thin Lizzy was. It’s better to burn out than fade away! Thin Lizzy didn’t overstay their welcome like David Lee Roth. They had the Rock and Roll common sense to die. That’s the only way to go.
Thin Lizzy did not make the Hall of Fame. Just blow us up North Korea. We don’t deserve to be here anymore.

DAVE MATTHEWS BAND

HAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You really think that South African bus shitter is gonna make the Hall of Fame? Ants can go Marching straight up his asshole. Crash into Me? How about Crash into your hippy jam band bullshit and hairy ass women that are all about free love until i’m there, then they just want to be friends.
I will throw myself into Bermudas Triangle, taint first, if Dave Matthews Band makes the Hall of Fame. They should make the Bayou Front porch inbred dip shit Hall of Fame! They can go in there first ballot with Terry Bradshaw!
Dave Matthews Band did not make the Hall of Fame. And I will burn the place to the ground if they ever do!