Open Road Song is a Trashdick

In 1966, John Lennon said that the Beatles were more popular than Jesus. This was the biggest thing to happen to music until Monday, November 4th, 2019. A discussion rose up, no more mundane than any other. The premise was simple. Which Eve 6 song was better: Inside Out or Anytime. Inside Out being one of the predominant bangers of 1998, and future Billboard Modern Rock Track of the Year, is the track that Eve 6 is most known for. It is the apex of sorts in American pop culture. Anytime was, in the eyes of everyone who has ever listened to music, one of the great examples of guitar, drum, bass, and lyrics in the history of mankind. Ranking up there with such luminaries as “Like a Rolling Stone” by Bob Dylan, “Sitting on the Dock of the Bay” by Sam Cooke, and “How Bizarre” by Otarra Millionaires Club, Anytime is the ear worm from the soundtrack to “Gone With the Wind” rivaling epic Out Cold.

Both are logical choices for very different reasons. Fellow Fancy Boy and tastemaker Jake Breunig agreed with my assessment that Anytime was the superior choice. Michael Grace named a Third Eye Blind song, making me furious. But the most egregious response came from fellow Fancy Boy Founder and co-riser from the ashes of the shit heap we were writing for, Matt Drufke.

Drufke, who I can only assume was wearing a Dashboard Confessionals shirt and fedora, decided to upend on the conversation by going full hipster on it. He jumped in and said that Open Road Song was indeed the best piece of work by Eve 6. I’ll give you all a moment to look up the song, because I can assure you that nobody has heard it. Nobody has heard it because it isn’t a song that elicits memories. Mr. Drufke says that listening to Eve 6 reminds him of California. Anytime reminds me of getting drunk and having bonfires. Racing cars. Young love. Memories of a simpler time when we had our entire lives ahead of us, when anything seemed possible, when a star turn on The Weakest Link could make our careers. But that’s okay Matt, I’m glad someone’s music reminds you of a coastal state.

The fact is, Open Road Song is just a song. Ostensibly about the open road. It’s not even that good. Here is where listening to it ranks to me:

8,341,273: Be a New York Jets fan
8,341,274: Get a root canal
8,341,275: Have my groin used as target practice for professional paintball players
8,341,276: Listen to Open Road Song
8,341,277: Open mouth kiss Cher

Just in case you were wondering what melodramatic gem Matt dredged from the bottom of the Eve 6 discography, here are a few of my favorite lyrics from Open Road Song…

Tonight I feel ambitious and so does my foot
[That’s a good thing to have be ambitious. Much better than an ambitious hand. That is nothing but trouble.]
as it sinks on the pedal
[Good. When I’m being melodramatic, you’d better believe I’m doing it as fast as humanly possible. I hate people feeling sorry for themselves slowly in the left lane. Like, get over and listen to the Cure in the middle lane, asshole.]
I press it to the floor
[The floor has feelings, too. You ignorant ass.]
I don’t need a girl, don’t need a friend
[…because you are going to adopt a puppy?]
Cause my friend Lonesome’s unconditional
[ not a puppy. BTW, this should be a Blue October lyric. It’s much more “on brand” for them.]
We’re flying forever bored
[Have you attempted masturbation, lyrical Sully Sullenberger?]
And for a moment I love everything that I see and think and feel
[Apparently the answer is a resounding yes.]
I love my broken side view mirror
[You shouldn’t. It will kill the resale value on your car.]
Cause it’s so perfect I’m so perfect you’re so perfect, you’re not here
[Just like Bruce Villanche]
I hear the change in gears
[you might have a gear grinding between second and third. I’d have it looked at. Between that and the broken rear view mirror, this car is a secondary market disaster waiting to happen.]

Meanwhile, Anytime is a ball slapping good time reminiscent of Van Halen in their prime mixed with a little bit of the raw sexuality from “I Wanna Dance(With Somebody)” by Whitney Houston. It is no shock that the Anytime came out, and 18 years later, Zion Williamson was the first pick in the NBA draft. This song is the reason the Strokes broke up. They heard it and decided, “ya know. We can’t do that. We aren’t that good. We will never be Eve 6 from the Out Cold soundtrack good.”

Don’t let those that are trying to hide the bright belonging of rock from you. Open Road Song is the Beto O’Rourke of music. It just showed up one day. Most of us didn’t bother to have an opinion on it. Then it went away. Anytime is Bernie Sanders dressed as Ryu from Street Fighter. It is indescribably good and in your face.

When John Lennon said the Beatles were bigger than Jesus, he was probably right. But that was 55 years ago. Now, in 2019, Anytime IS the god we pray under. It is the shining light that warms our skin. It is the rock music that doesn’t exist, anymore, thanks to Mumford and Sons ruining music forever. Matt Drufke is wrong. Forever and always.

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