FBC NFL Power Rankings Week 9

As you are reading this, the NFL trade deadline is about to happen/has happened in the past few hours. It’s not going to be that interesting because some teams have already made their moves, while other teams don’t have the draft capital to make a move. If I had my way, though, we would see more teams be obvious sellers and grab as many draft picks as possible.
Just for fun, here are some trades i’d like to see:

Von Miller to the Seahawks for 2020 1st and 2nd round Picks.
The only thing that really needs to happen for this trade to come true is for Miller to be critical of the Broncos. That’s really all it takes to get kicked out of town anymore. The Seahawks defense is treading water, and it seems like a waste to keep Miller in Denver, where they are quarter assing a rebuild while they deftly try to avoid making a correct move at quarterback.

Andy Dalton to the Bears for 2020 2nd round pick.
Andy Dalton is essentially the bell curve for quarterback competency. If you are better than Andy Dalton, you are a good quarterback. If you are worse than Andy Dalton, you are a bad quarterback. Mitch Trubisky is the 29th ranked QB in the NFL according to QBR, which isn’t a perfect stat, but seems to encapsulate his season pretty well. The Bears still have a good enough defense to make a playoff run. They are getting killed by the fact that they are too dumb to see Mitch Trubisky’s limitations.
Also, Andy Dalton could be cut with no dead money after the season, so it’s not a huge loss to send him away in April.

Buccaneers trade Ronald Jones to Detroit Lions for a 4th round pick in 2020
Not a huge move, but it could pay huge dividends for the Lions. Jones has gotten better this season for the Bucs, but they are a throwing team. Detroit lost Kerryon Johnson a couple weeks ago. Jones is just good enough to be a three down running back in a pinch down the stretch run.

1: New England Patriots

Record: 8-0
Last Week’s Ranking: 1

The Good: We really should be at a point in the NFL where we can just tell the Patriots not to bother showing up for games until they have to play someone. Isn’t there much more intrigue if the Pats had just been given the last five wins instead of them having to play, and building drama for when they actually have to return to the field this week against an NFL team. Honestly, I say it every week, but it’s ridiculous that the Patriots have spent two decades playing in a division with the last three surviving members of the original XFL.

The Bad: The junior varsity portion of their schedule ends briefly as the Pats face off against the Ravens on Sunday. Then after that, they get the gaping flesh wound that is the top two teams in the NFC East with the Eagles and Cowboys, followed by a matchup with the Texans, who just lost their best player for the season with injury.

The Mike Glennon: Hell hath no fury like the scorn of a woman, or Bill Belichick. Josh Gordon was put on injured reserve for having a banged up knee and will be cut in the next week or two, most likely so he can star in a Cheech and Chong remake.

2: San Francisco 49ers

Record: 7-0
Last Week’s Ranking: 2

The Good: The defense is very real, and Nick Bosa is already a world wrecker on defense. They can make life miserable for any and all opposing quarterbacks.

The Bad: Watch, now that I’ve said that, Kyler Murray is gonna light them up for 450 passing yards this week and Bosa will miss the game from accidently eating his MAGA hat.

The Mike Glennon: 49ers fans are crowing this week about how they should be considered the best team in the NFL and that the Patriots haven’t played anyone. The 49ers have played exactly one playoff contender this year, so maybe chill until the 49ers play the Seahawks, Packers, and Ravens over the next five weeks.

3: New Orleans Saints

Record: 7-1
Last Week’s Ranking: 3

The Good: When Drew Brees went down, I said that if the Saints could go 3-2 while he was gone, they would still be the favorites to win the division. They went 5-0 instead and are starting to put some breathing room between themselves and the rest of the NFC South.

The Bad: Nothing really bad to say about this team. Alvin Kamara will be back soon and I still think this team is the favorite to win the NFC this season.

The Mike Glennon: The Saints are going into a bye week, followed by a solid month of playing the football equivalent of a porta potty that has been knocked onto it’s side.

4: Green Bay Packers

Record: 7-1
Last Week’s Ranking: 4

The Good: Aaron Rodgers is just gonna keep going this forever, isn’t he? I’ve never seen someone perform so well seemingly out of spite, but Rodgers is just gonna keep on going, breaking passing records and hating his family.

The Bad: The bad is myself, coming to terms with the fact that Aaron Rodgers is just going to keep doing this forever.

The Mike Glennon: God I hate that Aaron Rodgers is just gonna keep on throwing spirals directly up Bears fans’ assholes every season.

5: Baltimore Ravens

Record: 5-2
Last Week’s Ranking: 5

The Good: They got a week off to prepare for the Patriots.

The Bad: That probably won’t matter.

The Mike Glennon: Because the Patriots are going to pummel them into oblivion, anyway.

6: Indianapolis Colts

Record: 5-2
Last Week’s Ranking: 6

The Good: They won an ugly, ugly, Mike Glennon looking game on Sunday.

The Bad: The Colts really had no reason not to establish dominance over the Broncos, and for a lot of the game, it looked like the Broncos were going to manage to pull off the upset.

The Mike Glennon: Did I mention that they played an ugly, ugly game?

7: Seattle Seahawks

Record: 6-2
Last Week’s Ranking: 8

The Good: The coasted to a 24 point halftime lead before sleep walking through the second half against the Falcons, a team actively trying to get their coaching staff fired.

The Bad: I was really expecting this to be the kind of game where Russell Wilson really establishes his MVP candidacy. The Falcons are the football equivalent of a truck stop glory hole and would have gladly lost by 50 if given the opportunity. Instead, Wilson was just kinda good, and the Seahawks just kinda won.

The Mike Glennon: Their defense gave up 460 passing yards to Matt Schaub, which I was absolutely convinced was a typo, because there was absolutely no way in hell Matt Schaub was still in the NFL. To this point in his career, Schaub has made 92 million dollars to mostly be a backup and hold a clipboard, just in case you were planning on raising your children to be something pointless like being a doctor or teacher.

8: Minnesota Vikings

Record: 6-2
Last Week’s Ranking: 9

The Good: Well, they won, so there is that, and if you had Stefon Diggs on your fantasy team, you were probably in a good mood on Thursday night.

The Bad: If they were playing any other team…nearly any other team, they would have lost. To be honest, I have no damn clue how this team only scored 19. I was watching at a bar, and it felt like every time I looked up, they were driving the ball downfield. Kirk Cousins completed 88 percent of his passes. Dalvin Cook rushed for nearly 100 yards. They had four sacks and an interception. And they won by 10.

The Mike Glennon: It really says something about the NFL this year that I think this highly of this team to have them at eight.

9: Houston Texans

Record: 5-3
Last Week’s Ranking: 10

The Good: I guess if Indianapolis was going to win a dumpy ass game like they did, the Texans were going to have to follow suit. The AFC South might be good this year, but not like, in a fun way. Just kind of a depressing slog through 17 weeks, they are gonna get in then immediately lose in the wild card round, kind of way.

The Bad: JJ Watt going out for the season is what people In the industry call “not ideal.”

The Mike Glennon: The Texans are starting to get snake bit by injuries. Lamar Miller and JJ Watt are done for the year, and Will Fuller is missing time with a hamstring, and this team might not have the depth to keep surviving this.

10: Los Angeles Rams

Record: 5-3
Last Week’s Ranking: 13

The Good: The Rams took care of business against a team who manages to play just competently enough that people are still surprised they are winless.

The Bad: They can’t afford to lose for pretty much the rest of the season, considering they are now in the middle of the football universe. The NFC West is the best division in football, and it might not be close.

The Mike Glennon: Every time Cooper Kupp blows up for a big game, Bill Belichick cries a single tear, knowing that he doesn’t have a monopoly on white possession receivers.

11: Detroit Lions

Record: 3-3-1
Last Week’s Ranking: 14

The Good: I completely forgot the Lions even played on Sunday. I think I keep trying to blot them out of my mind because having to remember to put the (-1) at the end of their record every week is tiring. Football games don’t need to end in ties. Not to go off on a rant here.

The Bad: But if the college system doesn’t have a problem with the way they operate their incredibly entertaining overtime, then the NFL shouldn’t either.

The Mike Glennon: The problem is, the networks, Fox, NBC, CBS, ESPN, own the NFL. The owners own the teams, but those teams are nothing but men in matching outfits running around in the grass and mud all day if it wasn’t for the network TV money coming in. They want to keep every football game to three hours because, oh dear god, what if someone doesn’t get a chance to watch a rerun of Wheel of Fortune if a Saints game runs long? That’s the unfortunate reality of sports and specifically the NFL. They love teams like the Patriots, who sullenly do their job every week, massacring opponents while giving just enough downtime to air commercials for Bud Light and Hooters.

Oh, and Matt Stafford had a pretty good game this week.

12: Kansas City Chiefs

Record: 5-3
Last Week’s Ranking: 11

The Good: The game of the year that people were hoping Sunday night would be never came to fruition as it was determined Patrick Mahomes wasn’t ready to come back from a dislocated knee after 9 days. The team held close but man, it really feels like a big miss not getting to see Mahomes and Rodgers duke it out on national television.

The Bad: And honestly, that’s fine. Mahomes had no business even practicing this week. Of course he felt like he could come back. He’s 23. Everyone feels like a super hero at that age, especially people in peak physical condition.

The Mike Glennon: The problem is, that knee just doesn’t magically get better forever. Once you dislocate a knee cap, you are going to be at a higher risk to do it again. You know what isn’t great for recovering knee caps? Getting hit a bunch of times and trying to scramble around on a football field. There really needs to be mandatory downtime for players who suffer injuries like this. Forget how he feels at the end of this year. When the guy is 40, he’s going to have a fake knee because everything in there will be shredded to oblivion.

13: Philadelphia Eagles

Record: 4-4
Last Week’s Ranking: 18

The Good: Whew boy, the Eagles just went and hung a 31 spot on the best defense in the NFL. It was adorable watching Josh Allen try to make up the ground, but if the Eagles can harness their running game like they did on Sunday, their might be some hope for them, yet.

The Bad: I’m starting to get sick of the Eagles whole “only show up for big games” routine then get blasted when Ball State comes in beats them by 20.

The Mike Glennon: at 13, the Eagles are the highest placing NFC East team, but the lowest placement of a first place team in the rankings. Why? Because the NFC East sucks ferociously, and the two best teams are basically tripping over themselves to embarrass themselves on a week to week basis.

14: Buffalo Bills

Record: 5-2
Last Week’s Ranking: 7

The Good: Have Bills fans lost faith in Josh Allen yet?

The Bad: I know the Bills gave him a crappity ass wide receiving crew, but still. He shoots this team in the dick on every other possession.

The Mike Glennon: I know Frank Gore is a good story and what not, but for the sake of the Bills offense, they really need rookie running back Devin Singletary handling more carries.

15: Jacksonville Jaguars

Record: 4-4
Last Week’s Ranking: 17

The Good: GARDNER MINSHEW FOREVER AND ALWAYS!

The Bad: I mean, it’s just the Jets…

The Mike Glennon: But the team below the Jags here couldn’t find a way to beat them, so let’s make fun of them!

16: Dallas Cowboys

Record: 4-3
Last Week’s Ranking: 16

The Good: Before the season, I said that Dak Prescott was Jason Campbell with a good offensive line. This was when the Cowboys offered Dak 35 million per season and he wouldn’t sign the deal because he’s holding out for 40 million per. Prescott isn’t going to get 35 million on the open market, and if I’m Jerry Jones, I’m pulling the contract that was offered and amending it down to 32 million and take about half a million off every time Dak throws a desperate interception against a team they should be beating by 20.

The Bad: Say it with me everyone. EVERY. QUARTERBACK. IN. THE. NFL. CAN. SUCCEED. WITH. THE. BEST. OFFENSIVE. LINE. OF. THIS. GENERATION.

The Mike Glennon: EXCEPT. MIKE. GLENNON.

17: Carolina Panthers

Record: 4-3
Last Week’s Ranking: 12

The Good: And so it was, that the Kyle Allen era ended not with a bang, but with a thud.

The Bad: A 51-13 thud.

The Mike Glennon: I take back everything i’ve ever said about Christian McCaffrey’s usage rate. Just let him touch the ball 40 times per game and see what happens. It can’t hurt to try.

18: Arizona Cardinals

Record: 3-4-1
Last Week’s Ranking: 15

The Good: Coming into the NFL, Kyler Murray was compared quite a bit with Drew Brees. On Sunday, Brees proved there is only one of him.

The Bad: Christian Kirk ran an end around for 19 yards. The entire rest of the Cardinals offense ran for 21 yards.

The Mike Glennon: After taking a rough one this week, the Cardinals are going to try to rebound against..oh shit, the 49ers on Thursday night. Oof.

19: Tennessee Titans

Record: 4-4
Last Week’s Ranking: 22

The Good: The Titans are a .500 team, because why the hell not, I suppose.

The Bad: I still dislike this team immensely.

The Mike Glennon: And I really don’t feel like writing about them.

20: Oakland Raiders

Record: 3-4
Last Week’s Ranking: 19

The Good: They came this close to pulling off a big upset that could have gotten them above .500 and with a punchers chance in a division where the Chiefs suddenly look vulnerable.

The Bad: That said, they lost. Derrick Carr threw for 280 yards and three touchdowns, and the Raiders were still unable to beat a Texans team that is falling apart faster than the bicycle you bought off the Wish App.

The Mike Glennon: I genuinely don’t know who has worse hair: Mark Zuckerberg or Mark Davis. These two have way too much money to look like they cut their hair themselves while coming down from a Nyquil drunk.

21: Rancho Cucamunga Chargers

Record: 3-5
Last Week’s Ranking: 28

The Good: They won a game in which they managed to drop multiple touchdown passes and let Mitch Trubisky organize a potential game winning drive. Congrats Chargers, that 7-9 record is going to look really good for you this year.

The Bad: Philip Rivers really doesn’t look like he can throw a football anymore. He seems to have to throw his entire body into every throw. Philip Rivers looks like he takes an icy hot bath every night in the special van he had built so he only had to see his children when he wanted to.

The Mike Glennon: I don’t know. This team is dumb. I’m at the point where i’m genuinely sick of writing about these crap ass teams every week. Let’s go to the lightning round!

22: Pittsburgh Steelers

I’m writing this before Monday Night Football has gotten going. Mason Rudolph has thrown an interception but I assume that the Steelers will find a way to beat the Dolphins, who are such a flaming pile of butt that FEMA has a tent outside of their stadium.

23: Chicago Bears

Ok, I think we can finally put to bed the whole “Matt Nagy is a genius” talk. He has been showing himself to be a fraud all season whose offense worked last year because the defense was so good at creating turnovers and putting the offense into a good position. This year? The team isn’t creating as many turnovers and this offense is far too incompetent to march down field more than about once a game.
Also, why the hell isn’t Mitch Trubisky running more? I understand the injury concerns, but he isn’t going to win anything throwing the ball.

24: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

I don’t know what to do with this team. They are just well enough coached to be entertaining on offense, and just bad enough coached to not win anything. This team has “5-11 Forever and Always” carved on the outside of their stadium. People were excited about Bruce Arians to be the coach while super conveniently forgetting his teams were a tornado of mediocrity and he was going to take over a team that was quarterbacked by Gropey McCrabLegHands.

25: Cleveland Browns

It almost gets to the point where you start to feel bad for the Browns fans. They really thought that they had everything in their hands, and the wind was at their back. Instead, Baker Mayfield looks like a poor man’s Kyle Orton, Odell Beckham is mostly fighting with the league over fashion decisions, and they are wasting potentially the best years of Myles Garrett’s career.
I suppose it doesn’t help that their team is in over their head than **Insert Any Chicago Bulls Coach Name Here**.

26: New York Giants

You can almost see glimpses with this team, where the offense seems to be clicking and you think that they really might have something going for them. Then you watch Daniel Jones, who looks like Eli Manning if Eli Manning was bought from the Dollar General, and realize that this guy’s ceiling might be Trent Dilfer. And I don’t mean that as a compliment to Daniel Jones OR Trent Dilfer.

27: Denver Broncos

So just to get this straight: Emmanuel Sanders was critical of the team and got traded. Joe Flacco was criticial of the team and mysteriously suffered a back injury. Ya know, I’m, starting to think Vic Fangio is really regretting taking this job, especially when he gets fired by Bojack Elway after the season.

28: Cincinnati Bengals

This team has the potential to be the most forgettable winless team in NFL history. Everyone is gonna remember how epically bad the Dolphins were. But nobody is going to remember the baseline incompetence of Andy Dalton and whatever a Zac Taylor is. I’m honestly not sure why they hired the kid from Home Improvement to coach this team, but here we are.

29: New York Jets

Boy, that good feeling from beating the Cowboys feels like a long time ago, doesn’t it? In our weekly mailbag, we were asked about what makes a bad coach. To me, Adam Gase is basically the greek statue of bad coaches. His awfulness is carved into Marble so it can be shown forever. He doesn’t bother to bring in different minds to try to help him become a better coach. Since Chicago, he has had Dowell Loggins, the 4 foot tall Robin to his bug eyed Batman, as his offensive coordinator. Loggins job is almost exclusively to smell Gase’s shit and tell him it doesn’t stink.
Within three months of getting the Jets job, he got his General Manager fired. You know, the guy who hired him. He is de facto running this entire team, which is a real feather in your cap when you have one of the best running backs in football and a top draft pick as your QB, yet you manage to finger point and blame your way to a 1-6 start. Adam Gase sucks to a point that I become visibly angry at the concept of talking about him. I feel like I need to punch a wall or something, but that is just the type of aggro shit Gase would love.

30: Washington Indigenous Peoples Being Called a Racist Name

They get to move up a spot this week since, in spite of not winning anything, they have played the 49ers and Vikings tough the past couple weeks. I still hope this entire team contracts MRSA though, and everyone on the team goes and coughs on their owner, Dan Snyder. Or, you know what, I just hope Dan Snyder gets banished to Chernobyl.

67,541: Atlanta Falcons

FIRE YOUR FUCKING COACH ASSHOLES! HOW IS DAN QUINN STILL EMPLOYED?!? THE LEVEL OF INCOMPETENCE NECESSARY TO MARCH THIS TEAM TO THE RECORD THEY HAVE WHILE LOOKING ABSOLUTELY COMATOSE ON THE FIELD AS IF THE ENTIRE TEAM DRANK NOTHING BUT BENADRYL FLAVORED GATORADE?? THIS TEAM SHOWS ALL OF THE INTENSITY OF A DACHSUND RACE.

31,406,231: Miami Dolphins

As I type this, The Dolphins are up by 14 in the second quarter. I look forward to see how they blow this.

One thought on “FBC NFL Power Rankings Week 9

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