Ok boners, i’m in Maui for my sister’s wedding. The sun is out, the ocean wave is crashing just beyond my lanai, and i’ve been getting day drunk for 2 days because the sun doesn’t set on a bad ass. It’s gonna be a shorty this week, and maybe i’ll get it going big time again next week.
1: New England Patriots
I genuinely hope this team self destructs the moment they have to play an NFL team. Seriously, their schedule is more embarrassing than Alabama’s early season schedule. They should be forced to play in the NFC West for a season, then see how magical Bill Belichik is when he is forced to play in a competitive division.
2: San Francisco 49ers
I guess we just have to come to terms with the fact that Kyle Shanahan is one of the great football minds of our generation. Fun fact: Shanahan was once fired from the Washington Redskins. The Redskins are the worst run team in football for reasons such as this.
3: New Orleans Saints
BAAAHHH GAWWWWWD, THAT’S DREW BREES’ MUSIC! This was an ugly game at times, but the Saints did what they were supposed to do: not make big mistakes and let the other team screw up. Now Brees is coming back and the Saints look to be in a position to make a run to the Super Bowl again, and try to be the team to dethrone the Patriots.
4: Seattle Seahawks
Russell Wilson is making his run for the MVP award and, quite possibly, the title of best quarterback in the NFL. Patrick Mahomes seemed poised to take the mantle, but as his team has slipped, Wilson has brought a less talented team to the upper echelon of the NFL while playing in the toughest division.
5: Green Bay Packers
How do you win and fall two spots in the rankings? When the only reason you won is because the refs completely blew that game on two seperate occasions. The Seahawks and Saints won fair and square, and didn’t need to be bailed out by Mr. Magoo in a striped shirt to get there.
6: Baltimore Ravens
Lamar Jackson rushed 19 times for 152 yards on Sunday. Lamar Jackson also threw for 236 yards. I really don’t know what else to say about that. It’s insanely impressive and probably unsustainable, but for now, it’s enough to give the Ravens a comfortable lead in their trash ass division that more people would be talking about if the NFC East wasn’t the football equivalent of a freight train hitting a school bus.
7: Houston Texans
At this point, the biggest thing for the Texans is to stay healthy. They are going to get their chance at the Patriots in a few weeks, which could very well be a preview of the AFC Championship game. If Houston has everyone healthy, their defense is fearsome enough and their offense is good enough to absolutely give the Pats hell.
8: Indianapolis Colts
Everything I said about Houston, but with a less complete everything.
9: Detroit Lions
The Lions got jobbed by the referees this week. Plain and simple.
10: Carolina Panthers
It’s a shame this is probably as high as they are going to be on the power rankings. Cam Newton sounds like he is going to be back soon, bringing his own homespun version of offense ruining. Seriously, i’m kind of depressed knowing that Christian McCaffrey is about to go back to sucking. DJ Moore is about to go back to suckings. Curtis Samuel is about to go back to sucking. Greg Olsen will probably be fine.
11: Kansas City Chiefs
Going in the wrong direction, ol’ Patty boy.
12: Buffalo Bills
The Colts moved up on a bye. The Bills moved down. Tough shit. They get served with a “you play in the AFC East and aren’t the Patriots” tax.
13: Philadelphia Eagles
I’m really starting to wonder if Carson Wentz is the franchise altering quarterback everyone thought he was before he tore his ACL. This team will always be a contender because they are consistently one of the best put together teams in the league, but at some point, if the engine running the offense can’t get the job done, then eventually it’s gonna stall out.
14: Oakland Raiders
I’m just as surprised as the rest of you by this spot, but here we are.
15: Chicago Bears
Before the season started, I noted that one of the big things that was going to bring down the Bears was their general inability to be as healthy as they were last season. They lost Khalil Mack and Mitch Trubisky for a couple games last year, but were able to weather the storm because they weren’t stacking up injuries.
This year? Kyle Long is going on injured reserve. The team is simply hoping Akiem Hicks gets back before the end of the season. Eddy Piniero, a genuine bright spot at kicker, is playing on one leg, a stunning development for, you know, a kicker. Trubisky is injured, again. It feels like we were all just kind of hoping that these things wouldn’t happen, in spite of evidence it would.
16: Minnesota Vikings
Kirk Cousins is still a fraud, but he did exactly what I said he would do if he was going to win: he got out to a big early lead where he didn’t need to make any clutch plays in the 4th quarter. Congrats, Kirk, you are Mr. 1st Quarter.
17: Arizona Cardinals
Fuck it, i’m a believer.
18: Los Angeles Rams
You lost, but you have zero actual fans, so in reality, nobody cares.
19: Dallas Cowboys
Fuck you, i’m not a believer. You guys are bigger frauds than the Vikings, but at least the Vikings have the common courtesy to shit the bed in regional coverage. We are forced to watch you guys ferociously cake your pants in prime time, every week.
20: Denver Broncos
Honestly, they won, and since most teams don’t even know how to do that, so they get to be here this week. The Broncos breaking the top 20 is about as good of a participation trophy as they are going to get this season. Also, since it’s fun to keep up with: Von Miller had half a sack more than I did in the NFL this week.
21: Jacksonville Jaguars
If I wasn’t on a small island in the Pacific, i’d probably be out in front of Gardner Minshew’s house, crying, drinking Naturdays, screaming the lyrics to “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn” by Poison. It was a helluva run Gardner. Helluva run.
22: Cleveland Browns
This team is basically just a more glittery version of the Titans. The fact that Freddie Kitchens hasn’t been fired yet means that their owner is probably too busy embezzling money from the truck stops that he owns to actually give a shit about what’s happening on the field.
23: Tennessee Titans
The less fancy Browns. I find it baffling that people didn’t consider Marcus Mariota one of the five worst quarterbacks in the NFL coming into this season. Who was worse than him going into the year? Joe Flacco? Josh Rosen? Eli Manning? Case Keenum? The list is small. That Mariota was replaced, and quite possibly for the entire season by Ryan Tannehill, a guy who lost his job to one of the five guys I listed above, probably signals the end of the road for Mariota as a starter in the NFL.
24: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Just when Jameis Winston starts to trick you into thinking he is good…BOOM, five interceptions. He’s basically a strong armed Marcus Mariota.
25: Pittsburgh Steelers
Most people figured that the Browns and Steelers would end up with similar records at this point. What most people didn’t figure was that they were battling for top 10 draft picks.
26: New York Giants
For half of a football game, they looked like they could possibly give the Patriots trouble. They showed up in the second half roughly as prepared as that all male revue of Rocky Horror Picture show I did in college. Man, I made a killer Magenta.
27: New York Jets
The mono jokes have officially been beaten to death like a horse at Santa Anita Racetrack, so instead lets remember that Leveon Bell, the big signing for the Jets in the offseason, is averaging around 1.2 yards per carry this season.
28: Toluca Lake Chargers
These suck ass motherfuckers…
29: Atlanta Falcons
THESE SUCK ASS MOTHER FUCKERS…
30: Washington Redskins
Settle down, you indigenous people offending human Waffle House signs, you beat the Dolphins, a team so bad that DCFS should be legally allowed to take it away from the NFL to be put into a foster home, you guys didn’t beat an NFL football team. Beating the Dolphins is like getting into Devry.
31: Cincinnati Bengals
I really feel like there is an alternate universe where the Bengals actually caught a few breaks and were sitting at a fluky 3-3 with everyone going, “I have no idea how this team is in second place, but here we are.” Instead, this team is so bad that players are going to be self immolating on the 50 yard line instead of having to face the prospect of losing in front of their shitty chili pasta eating sadness kaleidoscopes that populate the Cincinnati area.
32: Miami Dolphins
It’s almost funny that this team is so objectively bad that even people who don’t understand football know that they suck. If the NFL is actually serious about stopping tanking, they will murder one member of the 1972 Dolphins team every time the team loses this season.
Lose to the Bills, the NFL kills Larry Csonka.
Lose to the Steelers, the NFL kills Jim Kiick.
And so on. You better believe the Dolphins will play better with the blood of NFL’s only undefeated team on their hands.