Fantasy Armageddon!!! Week five was very much either fantasy nirvana, or the fantasy football hellscape, depending on who you had going into the week. Deshaun Watson, Christain McCaffrey, Will Fuller, Michael Thomas, DJ Chark, Tyler Boyd, Amari Cooper, and Adam Jones went out of their damn minds on Sunday. If you had these guys(I did in several leagues) you enjoyed the absolute thrill of victory. If you didn’t, at least you have this, the week six power rankings!
1: New England Patriots
Last Week’s Ranking: 1
The Good-Ho hum. Another 350 yard, 3 td passing game in the illustrious career of Tom Brady. The Patriots are now the last undefeated team in the NFL, and since they have the Patriots and the Jets the next two weeks, I’m not even gonna bother trying to update the top of this list for awhile.
The Bad-Brady is getting hit! The Patriots are down three offensive linemen and Brady is dealing with pressure in the pocket worse than he’s had to deal with in a long time. The Patriots gave up four sacks to a Redskins team that I referred to as a “used pile of dildos” last week.
The Mike Glennon-Seriously, about 15 years into this Patriots run, divisions should have been re-aligned. It’s kind of screwed up that the Patriots get to keep playing in the AFC East every year with the sorriest ass bunch of opponents six times per year.
2: New Orleans Saints
Last Week’s Ranking: 3
The Good-Once again, no Drew Brees, no problem. This week, people were picking this to be the upset of the week, with the high powered Bucs coming in to do their business against the Saints. In the end, the offense did it’s job and they walked away with another win.
The Bad-What’s up with Alvin Kamara? He rushed for less than four yards per carry and wasn’t a huge threat to catch out of the backfield.
The Mike Glennon-Drew Brees is scheduled to come back from injury early, which is just thrilling. I told my intrepid readers a few weeks ago that if the Saints could finish .500 while Brees was gone, they would most likely win the NFC. They have done much better than that.
3: Green Bay Packers
Last Week’s Ranking: 5
The Good-The Packers exposed the Cowboys on Sunday. Aaron Jones put up four touchdowns and the Packers looked good with three interceptions of Dak Prescott as they cruised to their biggest victory of the season on Sunday.
The Bad-The Packers top wide receiver on Sunday? Geronimo Allison, with two catches for 28 yards. Aaron Rodgers was able to rely on his running game but there are still issues with him getting the ball downfield if it isn’t to Davante Adams.
The Mike Glennon-During the game, kicker Mason Crosby made an awkward tackle on a kick return and took his helmet off as he walked across the field. He looks like someone that is still really into video games at 45 and says things like “None of these girls are worth my time” when nobody talks to him at a bar.
4: San Francisco 49ers
Last Week’s Ranking: 4
The Good-They beat the unholy crap out of the Browns, but it’s worth remembering that the Browns probably suck. The Titans also beat the crap out of the Browns and the Titans are about as interesting as a rectal fissure.
The Bad-The schedule goes full nightmare on this team from here on out. If they can hold out, then this team could get up to number two in the rankings.
The Mike Glennon-Fullback Kyle Jusczyk went down with a leg injury on Monday night. He has been a key cog in the offense and specifically the running game. The 49ers can’t afford to lose him.
5: Kansas City Chiefs
Last Week’s Ranking: 2
The Good-When you aren’t the Patriots, weeks like this are bound to happen. The Colts weren’t healthy last week, but showed up today with their best players ready to go. The defense actually managed to hold the Colts to a touchdown and four field goals. The offense just missed at important times on Sunday night.
The Bad-But still…this was the team that was meant to take down the Patriots. They were supposed to march into Gillette Stadium and fuck up the Patriots world. Instead, they lost to Jacoby Brissett and the goddamn Colts.
The Mike Glennon-The Chiefs averaged 2.6 yards per carry. That’s not going to cut it against the Broncos, let alone the best teams in the league.
6: Seattle Seahawks
Last Week’s Ranking: 6
The Good-Russell Wilson just crashed into the MVP conversation like the Kool Aid man. Wilson is consistently one of the five best quarterbacks in the NFL, but is forgotten about because it’s just so expected and frankly, he’s kind of a boring person. Like, if he drove a Trans Am through Seattle butt naked every Tuesday at 3 am, blaring Biggy, then he would have won every MVP award for the past 5 seasons.
The Bad-There are still major problems with this defense. They can’t really stop anyone. Jared Goff, who has spent weeks hearing about the fact that he might not be very good threw for nearly 400 yards against them. Todd Gurley only had 51 yards rushing, but he spent 48 of those yards trucking Seattle defenders.
The Mike Glennon-The Rams have a stout offensive line, but the Seahawks still only managed 2.5 tackles for loss, and zero sacks.
7: Philadelphia Eagles
Last Week’s Ranking: 12
The Good-Yea the Jets suck and deserve to be relegated to the Big 10, but the Eagles absolutely decimated them on Sunday. Their defense slapped to the tune of two defensive touchdowns, two interceptions, and TEN sacks!
The Bad-It’s cool and all, but they weren’t actually playing an NFL team. Luke Falk is the name of some horrible daytime soap opera actor, and definitely not a quarterback expected to execute a forward pass.
The Mike Glennon-The team averaged 2.9 yards rushing. That’s fine when you are playing a team that lost an in-conference game to Rutgers already, but that’s not going to cut it when they play an NFL team.
8: Buffalo Bills
Last Week’s Ranking: 14
The Good-Honestly, i’m only inflating this team into the top 10 to make it seem like the Patriots actually have to play someone. They won on Sunday in what has to be considered one of the biggest atrocities to the sport of Football.
The Bad-No, seriously. The game ended 14-7. It already featured the least interesting team in football in the Titans, and then the Bills had to go and Titan it up all over the place.
The Mike Glennon-”Do you like intermittent punting with very little offense? Do you love watching running backs average 3 yards per carry? Do you like watching a kicker miss FOUR field goals? BILLS! TITANS! FOOTBALL!”
9: Baltimore Ravens
Last Week’s Ranking: 13
The Good-The Ravens managed not to lose a very losable game, and all it took was for them to nearly murder the Steelers quarterback, while trying to minimize their mistakes, barely doing so, but still pulling out a win that they looked like they were going to pull away in at least half a dozen times.
The Bad-Lamar Jackson went out and looked like what the young people of today call “total ass.” He threw three interceptions and was running for his life against the Steelers, who don’t show up on this list until much, much, much farther down.
The Mike Glennon-The Ravens are at their best when they are running the ball effectively. They averaged 3.5 yards per carry on Sunday, which is not running the ball effectively. Jackson was also the team’s leading rusher, which isn’t something you want if you want your star quarterback to make it to the playoffs without being in a body bag.
10: Indianapolis Colts
Last Week’s Ranking: 15
The Good-They beat the second best team in football! All is good in Indianapolis, which is nice, because the rest of the state is a godless hellhole.
The Bad-Jacoby Brissett did not look good, and was bailed out by whoever murdered Adam Vinitieri, and is walking around in his skin, because he was not making four field goals in a game earlier this season.
The Mike Glennon-Their punter’s first name is Rigoberto, which doesn’t sound like a person’s name as much as it sounds like a pasta sauce brand you can buy at Dollar General.
11: Houston Texans
Last Week’s Ranking: 16
The Good-Oh man, that had to feel good for Deshaun Watson, to just absolutely blow up the Falcons spot and embarrass them. The Texans dropped 53 on a pathetic ass Atlanta team. Sometimes it’s just fun to watch a team ruin another team’s soul, which is what Houston did.
The Bad-The Texans fumbled the ball five times, but like the gentlemen they are, the Falcons let them keep four of them.
The Mike Glennon– Duke Johnson averaged nearly 7 yards per carry, but the Texans are insistent on having Carlos Hyde out there averaging under three yards. That’ll show your 2015 fantasy football team who’s boss.
12: St. Louis Rams
Last Week’s Ranking: 8
The Good-Jared Goff managed to at least slow down the rising tide of people who are actively wondering if he is an NFL quarterback. He threw for 395 yards on Thursday night, and had a consistent connection with tight end Gerald Everett all night.
The Bad-The defending NFC champs now find themselves in third place in an NFC West that is really damn good, quite possibly the best in football. They need to pull a win next week against the 49ers before they get to the dumpy part of their schedule, where they get to play the Falcons, Bengals, and Steelers.
The Mike Glennon-This team was known for it’s defense at some point. They had one sack on Thursday, a week after giving up over 50 to the Bucs, so defense is definitely no longer the strong point for this team.
13: Detroit Lions
Last Week’s Ranking: 10
The Good-Yes, I dropped them 3 spots even though they were on a bye and did nothing wrong. It’s my list. Eat me.
The Bad-I really wish they would have either beaten or lost to the Cardinals in week one. I’m already sick of putting the the extra “-1” onto their record.
The Mike Glennon-Next week, the Lions get the Packers and Aaron Rodgers. Rodgers has a 26/2 touchdown to interception ratio against them over their last 11 games.
14: Carolina Panthers
Last Week’s Ranking: 18
The Good-I know that eventually Cam Newton is going to come back and ruin this for everyone with his horrifyingly shitty brand of quarterbacking, but lets all just enjoy this while we can. It’s like the last couple days of being on vacation. Eventually, you know you have to go back to your crappy job in the midwest, but right now you are in Jamaica with Kyle Allen!
The Bad-The Panthers desperately tried to find a way to lose this game at the end. A few weeks ago, a team had gotten the chance to throw two hail marys because they threw the first one with so much time left on the clock. The Panthers managed to keep getting penalized and allowed THREE hail marys at the end of the game!
The Mike Glennon-Christian McCaffrey had 237 yards of offense this week. In their last two games, the Jets had 233 total.
15: Dallas Cowboys
Last Week’s Ranking: 9
The Good-Amari Cooper is the reason for the damn season. He went over 200 receiving yards, and spent the day catching the ball in the open, catching it in traffic, catching it everywhere. The problem is…
The Bad-This is the quarterback Dak Prescott is when he doesn’t have his offensive line working at 100 percent. The Cowboys have long been known for having a great offensive line, but with two guys down on Sunday, Prescott threw three interceptions because he had Packers defenders in his face the entire game.
The Mike Glennon-I genuinely can’t believe that someone on the Cowboys looked at their offense and thought, “You know what will make this work better? Jason Witten.”
16: Oakland Raiders
Last Week’s Ranking: 23
The Good-The Raiders marched into London with a game plan for stopping Khalil Mack, knowing that if they could do that, they could win the game. Mack was basically invisible for most of the game, and the Raiders leave England with a victory.
The Bad-Oh man, the Raiders desperately tried to give that game away. They let Chase Daniel march up and down the field on them in the second half, and were turn overing themselves to hell.
The Mike Glennon-What is a Foster Moreau, and how was he the leading receiver for the Raiders?
17: Chicago Bears
Last Week’s Ranking: 7
The Good-The Bears were able to get over their jet lag in time for the second half, and looked primed to win the game until their defense pooped their diaper and then Chase Daniel reminded everyone why he has been in the league 11 years and only started five games.
The Bad-The Bears defense is operating at it’s best when they are getting sacks. The entire game, it seemed like the Raiders were able to stay one step ahead of the Bears defenders. They just didn’t generate enough pressure to make Derek Carr feel uncomfortable.
The Mike Glennon-People are running to defend Chase Daniel on his last interception by saying that Anthony Miller ran the wrong route. Let’s say that Miller did run the wrong route. What if he ran the correct route? There were three defenders standing there waiting to intercept the pass. Miller was covered, meaning that there would have been four Raiders defenders in the area. If Miller ran the right route, as people are breathlessly whining on AM talk radio, then Chase Daniel threw a pass into quadruple coverage, which looks equally stupid.
18: Jacksonville Jaguars
Last Week’s Ranking: 11
The Good-When DJ Chark was drafted last year, he was considered a high upside guy who needed to learn how to be an NFL receiver. Unfortunately, he was drafted to a team that was starting Blake Bortles. But this year, he has been a revelation with Gardner Minshew throwing to him. He’s definitely an early contender for most improved player in the NFL this year.
The Bad-The Jags had no answer for Christian McCaffrey on Sunday. Most teams don’t. Jacksonville also didn’t.
The Mike Glennon-Gardner Minshew lost three fumbles, which is a stunning number for anyone who has ever held a football before. My guess is he got too much Naturday on the football. Naturdays make footballs very slippery.
19: Minnesota Vikings
Last Week’s Ranking: 22
The Good-Adam Thielen got a public apology from Kirk Cousins, then Cousins hit him up for 130 receiving yards and two touchdowns. Meanwhile, Steph Diggs didn’t get an apology and had 44 yards on three receptions. Kirk Cousins isn’t good enough to make two wide receivers happy at the same time, apparently.
The Bad-At some point in the season, the Vikings have to actually beat a good team before I’m going to start taking them seriously in the rankings.
The Mike Glennon-The schedule is not fair to the Vikings the next two weeks, with them going up against the Eagles and Lions in their next two games.
20: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Last Week’s Ranking: 21
The Good-After another two touchdown performance on Sunday, Chris Godwin is currently on pace for 105 receptions, 1600 receiving yards, and 19 touchdowns. That’s some Randy Moss in his prime numbers right there.
The Bad-Mike Evans had zero receptions for zero yards on three targets on Sunday. Take that, your fantasy team!
The Mike Glennon– The Bucs are playing the Panthers next week, which means that we could very well see 100 points scored and Christian McCaffrey get 400 yards of total offense.
21: Tennessee Titans
Last Week’s Ranking: 19
The Good-The Titans scored seven points in an NFL game in 2019. All records of this game should be set on fire so that there is no record of such abject crappiness.
The Bad-The Titans are the football watching equivalent of being forced to watch Sex and the City. It’s meandering, meaningless, and you feel like you’ve died inside every time.
The Mike Glennon-Someone should probably explain to the Titans that the only way they are going to finish .500 this year is if they win a road game at some point. They have lost both road games, and haven’t scored nearly enough to be competitive in either one.
22: Cleveland Browns
Last Week’s Ranking:20
The Good-When your franchise quarterback manages to complete 33 percent of his passes, and the game is finished by a guy who was playing in the AAF this spring, then i’m not writing shit nice about you.
The Bad-Seriously, no team can Browns quite as hard as the Browns do. They got absolutely eviscerated in every aspect of the game.
The Mike Glennon-Towards the end of the game, Monday Night Football announcer Booger McFarland said that Baker Mayfield had an “up and down night.” He was 8-22 throwing for 100 yards and two interceptions. I’m not sure Booger knows what up and down means.
23: New York Giants
Last Week’s Ranking: 24
The Good-They moved up in the rankings only because some teams in the NFL have managed to limbo under such a low competence bar, that the Giants brand of shitty football is charming by comparison.
The Bad-Remember when, after one game, everyone was losing their damn minds over Daniel Jones and how he was the next best thing ever? These past two games are a reminder why you don’t create a hall of fame bust after a guy’s first game.
The Mike Glennon-Saquon Barkley better come back soon because the Giants really seem content about marching off just the absolute worst guys possible in his stead. The leading rusher was Jonathon Hillman, a rookie out of Rutgers. I had to check this information, because I just really need to know what is going on with guy average 2.9 yards per carry in the NFL.
24: Arizona Cardinals
Last Week’s Ranking: 29
The Good-They finally got one! Yea, they had to play a team that should literally have everyone fired who is employed by it, but a win is a win!
The Bad-The Bengals do not have a very good offensive line, but the Cardinals still only managed one sack on the day. If this team is going to improve throughout the season, someone is going to have to step up, or they are gonna have to develop someone, or plant land mines on the field or something.
The Mike Glennon-The Cardinals have the Falcons and Giants in their next two games, so it’s entirely possible that this team could be 3-3-1 after seven. Will they? Probably not, but i’m here to try to provide hope, damnit!
25: Denver Broncos
Last Week’s Ranking: 27
The Good-Phillip Lindsay went OFF on Sunday for over a hundred yards rushing and a touchdown. When the running game is working, then they don’t need Joe Flacco to do much, which is good, because Joe Flacco really can’t do much. On the first drive of the game, he connected with Courtland Sutton on an 80 yard touchdown reception. He threw for 100 yards the entire rest of the game.
The Bad-Von Miller went ghost on the team again this week, meaning that in four of five games this year, Miller has as many sacks as I do.
The Mike Glennon-It’s pretty much a lost season for the Broncos. Maybe they would like to get some of their rookies more play, like Noah Fant, who has looked more and more NFL ready each week, but is unfortunately dependent on a scare crow in a Joe Flacco jersey to throw to him.
26: Holywood Walk of Fame Chargers
Last Week’s Ranking: 17
The Good-If the Dolphins had even a baseline level of competence last week, they would have beaten the Chargers. Instead, a different winless team managed to pull it off, with the Broncos beating this lipstick-on-a-pig of a football team. Philip Rivers suddenly looks like a massive pile of factory defect condoms out there trying to throw the ball. He has as many weapons as he always has, but he sure as shit isn’t using them.
The Bad-I’ve seen inflatable boxes at paintball parks provide better protection than the Chargers offensive line.
The Mike Glennon-Melvin Gordon came back for this? It’s like a couple breaking up, then after a while, deciding to get back together, but then one person realizes after they get back together that the other got fat and lost their ability to throw a deep pass.
27: Atlanta Falcons
Record: Who Gives a Shit
Last Week’s Ranking: Honestly, seriously, who gives a shit.
The Good-The fact that nobody has been fired is a shocking show of complete malaise by ownership of this snake oil salesman of a franchise.
The Bad-Like, honestly, are these guys really just cool with this wingless airplane piloted by a golden retreiver to continue on through the end of the season? Other teams are starting to look at this team and circling it like, yea, we got the Falcons baby! Another one in the win column!
The Mike Glennon-For the every god damn game in a row, this team waited until the game was out of hand before they tried to put their foot down on offense. This is a special level of stupid that is running this team.
28: Pittsburgh Steelers
Last Week’s Ranking: 26
The Good-Devlin Hodges will most likely be the starting quarterback for this team next week. In case you were wondering, Hodges is a rookie from Samford University. Samford is in Alabama. Diedre Downs went to Samford for awhile. She was named Miss America in 2005 before becoming an OB-GYN. Between 1976 and 2017, Florida State was exclusively coached by Samford graduates. This has been your “huh, I didn’t know that, and I don’t really care” of the week.
The Bad-James Conner might suck. He was a fun story last year when he was filling in for Leveon Bell because everyone painted Bell as a money hungry asshole, and Conners was just happy to be there and have an opportunity. Conner is averaging 3.3 yards per carry this year with two touchdowns in five games.
The Mike Glennon-It is worth noting forever that this team traded their first round draft pick when they were 0-2 for Minkah Fitzpatrick. They are now 1-4, and the Dolphins just tripped dong first into a high draft pick because the Steelers are run by people that still believe Santa Claus is real.
29: Cincinnati Bengals
Last Week’s Ranking: 28
The Good-What more is there to say about this team? If I was AJ Green, i’d probably never come back to this team just for my own sanity.
The Bad-The Bengals defense had a grand total of two tackles for loss. A running back tripping behind the line of scrimmage counts as a tackle for loss.
The Mike Glennon-I think i’d rather live in a porta-john than have to root for this team.
211: Getting a colonoscopy with a tire iron.
849: Having to be explained to about how I just don’t get Death Cab For Cutie.
1817: Washington Redskins
Last Week’s Ranking: 30
The Good-They fired their coach, but not before they “leaked” pictures of Jay Gruden partying with randoms from a year before and letting people think it was the night after last week’s game. This football team is genuinely run like the shittiest mafia ever.
The Bad-Dan Snyder deserves to be shoved cock first into a wheat thresher.
The Mike Glennon-And then the general manager, and noted Snyder lackey Paul Allen, should be shoved butt cheeks first into the same wheat thresher.
11,890: Being an NBA general manager who has a political opinion that goes against the business interests of the NBA.
35,715: Being told i’m too barstool by some curly headed fuck.
51,902: New York Jets
Last Week’s Ranking: 903
The Good-Raccoons humping on an old garbage can are more coordinated than the Jets offense. They make Marcus Mariotta look like Kurt Warner.
The Bad-Maybe Sam Darnold and his pussy spleen come back this week. Maybe they don’t. It really doesn’t matter. This entire team is nothing but a whale that has died, washed up on the beach, and roasted in the sun for months.
The Mike Glennon-T Shirt Cannons filled with used tampons bring more joy than this football team.
293,336: Spend 24 hours listening to Chris Benoit conspiracy theorists.
802,545: Miami Dolphins
Last Week’s Ranking: 11,239
The Good-Did they even play this week?
The Bad-I don’t know.
The Mike Glennon-And I really don’t care, either.