Travesty is a word. It’s somehow both a perfect word for this situation while simultaneously not feeling strong enough.
A better word is WHATINTHEUNHOLYHELLARETHEYTHINKING. Yes. One word. Screamed from the top of Mt. Rushmore while riding a Buffalo as a Bruce Springsteen song echoes through the Grand Canyon.
Joey Chestnut is the greatest hot dog eater of all time. 16 team world champion. 76 Hot Dogs in 2021. During Covid! Chestnut is to hot dog eating as Michael Jordan was to basketball, Taylor Swift is to mediocre music, and Elon Musk will always be at ruining things people like. But all of that is gone.
The Major League Eating association, a clown car of an organization that is ostensibly the driving force behind being a big ol’ fat boy competitively, has decided that AMERICAN HERO JOEY CHESTNUT is not allowed to compete in the Independence Day tradition of the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Championship.
Why is this injustice happening? Because AMERICAN HERO JOEY CHESTNUT is sponsored by Impossible Foods. You know, the food that is a hot dog, but instead of random pig parts, is made of old newspapers. These are not the same markets. People who eat hot dogs are the type of people who shoot off fireworks for days before, during, and days after the fourth of July, LIKE GOOD AMERICANS! People who eat Impossible Foods has A: given up on life and/or B: has no idea how unhealthy they are. In fact, Impossible Meat is so unhealthy, they should be using them in eating competitions. Nobody cares about how much celery you can eat! We want calories. Sweet, sweet overprocessed calories!
More importantly, this country needs AMERICAN HERO JOEY CHESTNUT. What do we have right now? Two Octogenarians trying to be president. Britney Spears’ Instagram. A new Paddington movie. Not much, is the answer. Not much. Chestnut gave us something to believe in. Every summer, as sure as the heat comes and the cicadas freak out giant babies, he would show up, eat dozens of hot dogs in defiance of god and represent the good ol’ United States of America.
Now, a bunch of knobs who probably have unironically hilarious business cards to brag about what they do (nothing) are saying that AMERICAN HERO JOEY CHESTNUT can’t do the most american thing possible: deep throat meat in tube form.
Who is better at that than America? Germany? Nope, they are too busy having to fight nazi’s again (seriously!) that they can’t even focus on the idea of eating 70 hot dogs. They could never handle the wiener schnitzel being jammed down their throats, again, IN DEFIANCE OF GOD, lubricated only by Staten Island tap water. They couldn’t even do it with some high quality Fiji Water. Those Krauts have no chance.
Japan? You can’t fit a hot dog into a bento box. Not gonna happen!
Australia? They are too busy being the Alabama of the southern hemisphere, getting drunk and fist fighting koala bears while their entire family gets pulled out into the wasteland by 7 foot tall spiders.
England? They can’t win a World War. They can’t win a hot dog eating contest.
Madagascar? You can’t find it on a map, and you really think they know how to take down 30,000 calories worth of wiener? Go back to making animated movies, or whatever else it is you do there.
Canada? Ha, all that Canada has ever learned from America is casual racism. North America’s dumpy poutine eating hat could never handle that many hot dogs. Not since John Candy died, at least. Now that was a man who could chow dogs.
No. This is the United States’ lane. This is AMERICAN HERO JOEY CHESTNUT’S lane. For the love of all things holy, it’s time to get this charade over with and make sure that on the 4th of July, only one man is standing strong over a felled pile of dogs and buns, mustard yellow belt around his waist, with fans chanting “USA USA USA USA.” In this moment, somewhere, a single tear of joy falls down Kid Rock’s eye. Bald Eagles fly just a little bit higher. Above ground pools everywhere are filled just a little bit fuller. All because the American Eating Association….Wide Load Inc…or whatever the hell they call themselves, has the common sense to do the right thing, hopefully.
In these trying times, America needs a hero. America needs someone they can believe in. America needs Joey Chestnut.
Fancy Boys Club 