Every week during the NFL season, FBC co-founder Brandon Andreasen takes a look at the NFL and makes fun of a bunch of teams and players and bets to make him feel better about the fact that he roots for the Chicago Bears and is such a degenerate gambler, he is probably betting on Korean Table Tennis at this very moment.
The Pregame Show
It’s going to be a long winter for Chicago sports fans. It is completely on the Bears to put together a winning streak to give us all something to root for. The Cubs are actively sabotaging themselves on a Wile E. Coyote level. They are hitting the playoffs like a brick wall with the road painted onto it. The White Sox actually improved from historically atrocious to merely really bad. The Blackhawks had all of the free agent money in the world to spend on a couple star players. They chose to sit around, playing with themselves, like that weird kid in the back of class, instead.
As for the Bulls, I can’t talk about them without getting viscerally angry. They are so bereft of talent that they are milking Derrick Rose’s retirement for every shekel they can squeeze out of their fans. In fact, they have a ticket package available. It’s for the Rose retirement ceremony game and the four Rose giveaway nights. I got excited about this, because Derrick Rose is one of the last people to make me genuinely happy about Chicago sports. I wanted to be there for all of it. Tickets, though, are 1100 dollars for this package, and that is for seats so far up the United Center, you can actually touch the roof.
The Bulls genuinely make me angry for so, so many reasons. I actually think Josh Giddey is a fine signing at 25 million per year, with the salary cap in that league going where it will. Here is the problem. Who the hell else is worth a damn on that team? Coby White is still around, but he feels like someone who a smart team would trade for a couple first round draft picks to a contending team, because two first round draft picks in the 20’s is better than nothing. Of course, the Bulls front office is so spectacularly bad, they just aim for mediocrity every year. No attempts at being good, let alone very good. Just so hardcore mediocre, they could be a Taylor Swift album.
They won’t trade White. They will just let him leave in free agency and get nothing for him. Just like Nikola Vucevic. Just like Demar Derozan. I guess though, seeing what they got when they traded Zach Lavine, this front office is incapable of swinging for the fences. They just go up there like a late 1980’s pitcher, trying to lay down a sacrifice bunt, or pray they get walked. In this case, a sacrifice bunt is the play in game, and there is no comparison for what a walk would be, because they literally only make the play in game every. goddamn. year.
I say that to say this: it’s not merely that we want the Bears to win Sunday. We need them to win. They are all we’ve got.
First Down: The Early Slate Was Boring. Until It Wasn’t.
I was sitting on my couch watching Redzone on Sunday, and all I could think about was how bad the early slate of games was. It was just a series of half hearted slap fights, resulting in some sound and fury but very little in terms of on-field performance. Then the fourth quarter went absolutely bananas. Cleveland was absolutely toast and won (more on that in a minute). Pittsburgh and New England in a throwback of sorts, in the sense that neither team could score, there were a bunch of turnovers, and a washed up quarterback got it done. The Eagles/Rams game made it all the way until midway through the second half before turning into a game that you would expect two conference contenders to engage in. And the Buccaneers continue to try to play he NFL season on the highest difficulty level.
I guess that’s why they play the games, and why I sit around cooking pizza rolls all afternoon in defiance of god and my diet, and watch the games.
Second Down: This Is What I Get For Believing in the Packers
This game was the most over of all of the games on Sunday. The Packers were absolutely cruising in spite of the fact that their offense looked borderline embarrassing at times. The Browns defense is good. Like, top five defense in the NFL good. Their offense, though? It looked like Joe Flacco was ready to return to his yearly retirement. Their best running back wasn’t even on the team until a week and a half ago. Their best receiver is something called a Harold Fannin, which proves just how pointless drafting a tight end in fantasy football is.
Jordan Love was crippled by a pass rush that made the Packers offensive line look downright Patriotsesque. Love completed one pass that traveled ten yards in the air. They don’t have a number one receiver on the team that could get any separation, not that it mattered, because Myles Garrett was spending so much time living in the Packers backfield, he had to pay HOA fees.
And in spite of that, the game was over, the Browns offense was ready to roll over and die. Then they won. The Packers are probably still a Super Bowl contender that just happened to get buzzsawed on the road. That being said, the Browns did lay out a road map for how to beat Green Bay. Now to see if any other teams can replicate it.
Third Down: Is This the Worst Ravens Defense of our Lives?
There are very few truths I hold dear in life, but one has always been “The Ravens will have a good defense this season.” Holy hell though, that is not the case this season. They are getting lit up. They have given up 96 points in three games. Only the Dolphins are worse, and the Dolphins are about to hold a spot in the Bottom Five Power Rankings in a bit. They have given up the most yards in the NFL so far this year, which is stunning considering that the Giants and Cowboys technically exist.
The Ravens can’t stop anyone from passing on them. They have given up the second most passing yards so far this season, behind only Dallas, who is a running joke because of how bad they are at stopping anyone. Thank god they got Kenny Clark though, that solved everything.
The Ravens have given up points on 45 percent of their possessions this season, “good” enough for eighth worst in the league. If you were wondering how their run defense stacks up, you shouldn’t, because it’s not great. They have given up the third most rushing yards and the most touchdowns on running plays this season.
Part of it could chalk up to a tough early schedule, but the company they are keeping in some of these stats is not where you want to be. Anytime you are mentioned alongside the Cowboys (lol, again) and Saints, you might be in some trouble.
Fourth Down: Idiots Are About to Ruin my Favorite Burger Spot
WGN is running a 64 restaurant bracket tournament to determine the best burger in Chicago. All of the obvious big hitters were in it. There were also a few of my favorites in there, including Kuma’s Corner, Red Hot Ranch, and Burger Social. All of the big hitters were there. The final four were Kumas against Smash’d, a north suburban food truck, and my favorite burger spot against Au Cheval. The place to get a burger in Chicago. The people who popularized the smash burger years before it gained mainstream popularity. I was happy my spot even made it that far. I was ticketed that it got to the Sweet 16.
And then the voting happened. Smash’d upset Kuma’s Corner. And Au Cheval, the burger titan in Chicago, lost to Nick’s Tavern in Lemont. The best burger I can find near my house. I love it so so much. It’s the kind of no frills burger you grew up with, just done perfectly, the same way, forever. I hope they win, but I also hope they don’t, and that nobody sees that WGN is doing this (i’m not concerned about anyone hearing about Nick’s here, because the only four people who read this already know about it).
Why? I don’t need people ruining my favorite burger spot. It’s not a big place. I don’t need some Logan Square anuses driving down and taking up what little space is available. I don’t need some Gold Coast finance bro’s coming in and bitching that their AmEx card is useless there.
Stay away from Nicks, you sonsofbitches! But vote for it, anyway.
Top Five Power Rankings
1: Philadelphia Eagles-Here until they prove they aren’t.
2: Buffalo Bills-The class of a very, aggressively bad AFC
3: San Francisco 49ers-Got some cardiac kid bounce back magic this year.
4: Los Angeles Chargers-Undefeated is undefeated.
5: Green Bay Packers-Not going to stress the Browns game. Yet.
BONUS! 6: Indianapolis Colts-Do I think this lasts all year? Hell no. Does Daniel Jones turn back into mid-November pumpkin on my front porch? You better believe it. But they are 3-0 and that counts for something.
Bottom Five Power Rankings
28: Dallas Cowboys-You didn’t just lose to the Bears, they waved their collective penii all over your logo, your team name, your gawdawful defensive coordinator, and probably several of Jerry Jones’ prostitutes, too.
29: Miami Dolphins-God bless ’em, they tried hard. They suck. But they tried hard.
30: New York Giants-It’s Jaxson Dart time, which is like getting excited for only needing one testicle removed after getting your sack caught in a bear trap.
31: Tennessee Titans-Cam Ward looks downright Bryce Youngish out there. Not a compliment.
18,445,348: Waking up in the middle of the night, tripping over your daughter’s toys, and peeing yourself a little bit because you are too tired and disoriented to make it to the bathroom.
18,445,349: New Orleans Saints
Who’s Having a Worse Week than Saints Fans
Detroit Tigers fans. Imagine blowing a ten game lead in three weeks. You can never count out those plucky Guardians. You can sign them in free agency after the year, because Cleveland does not pay anyone, but you can’t take the pluck out of them.
Fantasy Player That Ruined Your Week
Jake Browning. If you were starting Browning last week against the Vikings, then your fantasy season is already over, or you got wayyy too cocky in a guillotine league, thinking you didn’t need multiple quarterbacks. The problem is, Black Hole Browning actively ruined Chase Brown, Jamaar Chase, and Tee Higgins. Are you really telling me that the Bengals can’t pick up the phone and just offer a 7th round pick to the Giants for Jameis Winston? At least that would be fun, watching Winston huck 60 yard bombs to Chase all day.
Thursday Night Bets To Ruin Your Weekend
Jaxon Smith-Ngiba anytime TD + Sam Darnold 225+passing yards: +280. The Cardinals have given up the third most passing yards in the NFL so far this season, and Ngiba is turning into a top ten receiver in the league. If you have FanDuel, you can add a 50 percent profit boost to get it up to +420. Niceeeeee.
The Games
Gambling Lock
The Under (40.5) in the Vikings/Steelers game -105. These Europe games are never high scoring, and neither team is all that adept at scoring on offense, either. The Vikings scored a ton of points last week, but the defense was responsible, either directly or by giving good field position to the offense, on nearly all of those points. Carson Wentz won’t look so good when TJ Watt is chasing him around.
Gambling Long Shot
Steelers/Panthers/Bears Money Line parlay +1227. I’m sure there will also be a 30-50 percent profit boost to amp this up. The Steelers can definitely win a defensive battle against the Vikings. The Patriots look like pretty atrocious, and this isn’t the type of coaching staff that will randomly have a light bulb go off and play Traveon Henderson a bunch. And the Bears can’t beat good teams. The Raiders are not a good team.
Degenerate Bet
Bryce Young 2+ TD passes, Caleb Williams 2+ TD passes, Geno Smith 2+ TD passes, Bo Nix 2+ TD passes. Not sure what the odds are on it, because it isn’t out yet, but I guarantee you are getting +2400 or more for it.
Fancy Boys Club 