After another disappointing season in 2023, the Chicago Bears have fired head coach Matt Eberflus.
After disasterous play calling at the end of the Washington Commanders game, the Bears have fired Matt Eberflus in an unprecedented move, with the team still at 4-3 and very much in contention in the NFC.
After a second no-show act by his team in an unquestionably embarrassing loss to the New England Patriots, the Bears have relieved Matt Eberflus of his duties as head coach.
Bad end of game play calling and an opposing special teams purportedly knowing exactly what needed to be done to block a kick has finally undone Matt Eberflus as Bears coach.
Oh, now you are gonna do it? All it took was an open rebellion by the defense after one of the most obvious and mystifying time management mistakes in NFL history, that of which’s history books have already been rewritten at least twice this season by the very same coach has caused Matt Eberflus to get fired so he can spend more time with his bees?
Anyway, in the midst of an epic collapse that saw him not get his job saved by bus tossing the offensive coordinator, Matt Eberflus became the first Chicago Bears coach in their illustrious (mostly before the advent of color tv) history to be fired during the season. This was no doubt a difficult task, as the guards who hold the key to the crypt that Virginia McCaskey, Bears owner and last surviving person to see George Washington cross the Delaware, were home with their families for Thanksgiving weekend.
Now, with five weeks left to finish in the 2024 season, the Bears give themselves plenty of time to give their fans hope for a great new coach that can fully unlock their franchise quarterback, Caleb Williams. Unfortunately, if you read most of your friend’s opinions on social media, you will realize that your friends are idiots and don’t understand the best path towards this. So with that in mind, lets look into the tiers of coaching possibilities for the Bears in 2025.
Literally Only Your Stupidest Friends Are Bringing Them Up
Lovie Smith
Seriously, while there should be a statue built of Lovie Smith outside of Soldier Field for his contributions to this team while the coach of the Houston Texans, his time has passed. Anyone bringing up Smith don’t understand football on an evolutionary level. People will point out that he won 10 games in his final season as Bears head coach while conveniently leaving out the fact that he won 11 total games in the three seasons he coached in the NFL after that.
Smith also won 17 games as University of Illinois head coach. Of course, that was over five seasons. He qualified for a bowl game in exactly one of those seasons, which is stunning because there are 35 bowl games per year, meaning 70 teams make a bowl game each college football season. His only bowl game? The RedBox bowl. A company that doesn’t even exist anymore.
Jon Gruden
My jaw literally dropped when this name got tossed out by one aggressively dumb person. Here is the Billboard Top 10 songs from the week that Gruden won his Super Bowl:
1: Lose Yourself-Eminem
2: Bump, Bump, Bump-B2K featuring P Diddy
3: Air Force Ones-Nelly featuring Kyjuan, Ali, and Murphy Lee
4: Beautiful-Christina Aguilera
5: 03 Bonnie & Clyde-Jay Z and Beyonce
6: Work It-Missy Elliott
7: I’m With You-Avril Lavigne
8: Cry Me a River-Justin Timberlake
9: Don’t Mess With My Man-Nivea featuring Brian & Brandon Casey
10: All I Have-Jennifer Lopez featuring LL Cool J
If that list doesn’t make you feel old. then think about this: Johnny Cash was still alive when Jon Gruden won his only Super Bowl. There are people legally allowed to drink alcohol that have been born since Cash died. So let’s stop with the Gruden idiocy before it gets going. Since that Super Bowl, he is notable exclusively for being on Monday Night Football, Corona and Hooters commercials, and racist emails that assure him of never being hired for a real job ever again.
You Are Just Saying It Because You’ve Heard Of Him
Bill Belichick
Bill Belichick has coached nine seasons during his career without Tom Brady. Do you want to take a guess how many playoff wins he has as a coach during those seasons? No, i’ll wait. Wayyyyyyy too many of you bring up his name for the next Bears coach and it’s irritating. One. He has one playoff win in nine seasons without Tom Brady. Wanna guess what year that win came in? Yep, 1994. Vinny Testeverde was his quarterback. Fun fact: that playoff win came against the New England Patriots!
Belichick’s stock dropped faster than Hawk Tuah Girl’s cryptocurrency after Brady went and won another Super Bowl in Tampa Bay. Bill also made some terrifying personnel decisions, such as installing Matt Patricia, last seen being one of the worst coaches in NFL history, as the offensive coordinator of the Patriots. The issue with that? Patricia was a defensive coordinator, and not a very good one. to take it one step further, here are Belichick’s three drafts prior to him getting fired in which he actually had time to develop the players (not counting 2023):
Digging in to these picks, there is exactly ONE Pro Bowl appearance in the group. Mac Jones was selected as an alternate in 2021. Why is this important? Because Belichick was in charge of these drafts. Any team that signs him better plan on giving him all personnel decision making because that’s what he wants. He has zero eye for coaches. He has zero ability to draft. Let him go coach the Jacksonville Jaguars or something.
Also, bonus points for drafting Justin Rohrwasser in 2020, who was found to have a far-right hate group tattoo on his chest. Damn fine background checking on that one.
Eric Bieniemy
He got fired after one season as offensive coordinator of UCLA because he couldn’t put up 20 points per game in a Big Ten conference that University of Illinois and University of Indiana have a combined 20 wins in. Get out of here with this. We have been through the “hire a coach that Andy Reid and Pat Mahomes made look competent” before.
Arthur Smith
“Arthur Smith should coach the Bears” sounds like a rumor that only Arthur Smith would start.
You aren’t coming here so quit asking, Arthur. That goes for you too, Eric Mangini.
Mike Tomlin
It is beyond me that somehow, someway, every year a rumor starts that Mike Tomlin and the Steelers might be headed towards a divorce. They aren’t. They are borderline Super Bowl contenders this year. Quit asking. Tomlin is one of the three best coaches in the NFL and works for a team that is notoriously loyal. He is in Pittsburgh until the end of time.
Coaching Contenders
Mike Vrabel
I’m as turned off by his connection to the Bill Belichick coaching tree as anyone, but they say a rose can grow from a pile of Josh McDaniel scented mud. If you are looking for a leader of men type of coach, this is your guy. In six seasons, he dragged a very mediocre Titans team to three playoff appearances. He has two playoff wins, as well. He had a 12 win season as recently as 2021. His QB during that time was the immortal Ryan Tannehill.
Vrabel is the kind of guy who is going to come in as more of a CEO type coach. He is going to pay more attention to the defense and not try to interfere too hard in the offense, while also setting a culture that has proven to lead to winning. His teams were in the top half of the NFL in scoring offense in 2019, 2020, and 2021, and the team had a .500 record in 2022 before Tannehill went down with an injury, and the team limped to a 1-4 finish with Malik Willis and Josh Dobbs at quarterback. He lost control of the quarterback room in 2023, with upper management pushing for Will Levis to be the starter over Tannehill. This lead to an ugly power struggle, and eventually his firing. There is no quarterback juggling in Chicago. Caleb Williams is the guy, and Vrabel is a big “build from the trenches” guy, someone the Bears desperately need in order to revamp the offensive line.
Kliff Kingsbury
I only put his name here because i’m terrified right now that this is the guy the Bears are going to choose because of his connections to Caleb Williams and the half season of competent offense that Washington has put up. BTW, I know Bears fans are on the other side of the Hail Mary, but if you haven’t noticed, it didn’t exactly become a unifying moment for the Commanders either. A week later, they barely beat the Giants, one of the worst teams in football, then proceeded to lose three straight games.
If you want to know more about why Kingsbury isn’t a good choice, do a deep dive in how he alienated his players in Arizona during his brief time as Cardinals head coach, THEN tell me you want him.
Joe Brady
I’m torn a bit on Brady. The team looks like a Super Bowl contender and Josh Allen looks like an MVP candidate with Brady helming the Buffalo Bills offense, but it’s worth wondering how much of that is because of Allen’s ascendance to the top of the NFL quarterbacking stratosphere. Non-cynically, the offense in Buffalo is great this year. They are second in the NFL in points. Tenth in yards. They are also doing this by establishing the run, as they are only 23rd in passing attempts, while being 7th in running attempts. Brady has built a well balanced offense that can be played outdoors in the winter. He would be my favorite for the job (and might end up still being) if not for…
Ben Johnson
About to hit his second consecutive offseason as the hottest coaching candidate in the NFL, Johnson notoriously backed out of the Washington Commanders job last year, causing the team to throw out anonymous reports about Johnson not being a great coaching candidate in an attempt to save face. Credentials wise, Johnson continues to be the belle of the coaching ball. He has turned Jared Goff into an MVP candidate. He has a two headed running monster in David Montgomery and Jahmyr Gibbs. He seriously looks like he is playing Madden on easy mode right now by having offensive linemen throw passes and ruining fantasy football player minds by having Tim Patrick score two touchdowns on Thursday night.
The Lions offensive stats are comical. First in points. Second in yards per game. Third in passing yards per game. Fourth in rushing yards per game. If you ignore that insane five interception game by Goff a few weeks ago, they are near the top in turnovers as well.
Any person that can make that drywall eating Dan Campbell look like a genius and push the Lions closer and closer to their first Super Bowl ever is obviously the favorite to be the next Bears coach.
So watch them sign Brian Flores or something…
Fancy Boys Club 