Ice cream packed with candy bars is an age old tradition. Like baseball. Or Kendrick Lamar ending beefs heroically. And much like Kendrick dropping “Not Like Us” on the Fourth of July, another great American experience has dropped around Independence Day.
I can’t help myself. As a fat, some things just tend to jump out at me. So when I saw the press release for the new frozen concoction from McDonalds, I was immediately intrigued. Dropped on 7/10, the Kit Kat Banana Split McFlurry is a mad libs experiment in things that McDonalds has decided they can get away with dumping into ice cream and having people enjoy. Did I enjoy it? Let’s find out.
Business: McDonalds
Item: Kit Kat Banana Split McFlurry
Calories: Brotha, if you gotta ask, you don’t wanna know.
The Review
Yea. this slaps. I know it’s my job to be a prototypical cynical geriatric millennial and to find things I hate in everything, but there is something oddly both nostalgic and in the moment at the exact same time. If you drop this item in March in North Dakota, it’s going to go over about as well an octogenarian’s presidential bid. Mid July, 90 degree weather, suns out guns out, top down kind of day though?
There is one thing i’m a bit thrown by, right off the bat. All previews of this stated that there was going to be actual banana in the drink. I wasn’t expecting a phallic fruit to be gallivanting out of the top of my cup, but I was expecting like, chunks or something. If there is actual banana in it, it has been blended into absolute oblivion. That said, you can taste banana. Whether they are using banana extract or just the most pulverized banana ever, it’s still good.
They also advertise having strawberry clusters along with the kit kat crumbles. I tasted the strawberry clusters. Or at least, I think I did. It was in there…right? There were little pops of strawberry flavor but I didn’t actually see the strawberries. But I definitely saw the Kit Kats. Right?
Wait. Did I eat this or did I imagine it? Was it a lucid dream where I wake up and am absolutely convinced that I ate something, and i’m imagining the exact specifications of it based on what I read about it, and since I know how those things taste, I instinctively registered those as tastes in my mind as I theoretically ate the treat while in the comfort of my bed, my eyes welled shut after a 12 hour workday, my body crying out for sleep.
That must be it. None of this is real. Life isn’t real. We are taught from a young age that the only means of survival is to get a job and stay at that job until you die or retire at an age that is deemed too old to enjoy yourself in the afterglow, anyway. We are all just running a simulation. There is no McDonalds. There are no roads. We are all just semi playable characters in a video game. It’s all a cruel joke. they say the sun will eventually go out, but the truth is, we will all be wiped from existence by an apathetic teenager in a higher level of existence who gets bored and turns the game off, only for us to regenerate, no wiser, down the road. But still in the same spot. We think we know what things taste like because it’s in our data. Oh god, my player characteristics is to be fat! What loving god would do this??
Oh wait. There is the bag from the rest of my meal and there is the empty cup from the McFlurry. I guess I did eat it.
Anyway, it was pretty good. On the 1-10 rating scale, this gets a very solid SEVEN Mr. Delicious.
Fancy Boys Club 