Mashups were really popular in 2009. They faded in popularity, and now are only used by the type of out-of-touch brand execs that are trying to shoehorn competing ideas into one godawful idea. Taco Bell has used this concept to success in the past. The Doritos Locos Taco was a hit that continues to be a mainstay on their menu. If you look at the spectrum of successful fast food amalgamations, the Doritos dust laced taco has to be at the most successful side of the spectrum. Could Taco Bell pull off another food of the summer with their latest Frankenstein monster of a project, the Big Cheez-It? I found out, so you don’t have to.
Business: Taco Bell
Item: Big Cheez-It Crunchwrap Supreme and Big Cheez-It Tostada
Calories: 570 for the Supreme, 230 for the Tostada
The Review
So…I get it. I mean, I don’t, but i’m trying to. In theory, this should work as a combination. One thing lacking in Taco Bell’s food, beyond the ability to eat it while sober, is that the cheese they use is heavily processed and downright fake tasting. So why not just absolutely lean into that feeling of cheese mediocrity by adding a giant version of a fake cheese cracker enjoyed most by the kindergarten aged and heavily stoned. Here is the problem…
You cannot taste the Cheez-It at all in the Crunchwrap Supreme. I took a few bites of it and was struck by the fact that I couldn’t taste it, so much so to the point that I actually started trying to carefully deconstruct the crunchwrap to find the Cheez-It, which should ostensibly be on the bottom of the bottom of the…sandwich? Taco? I guess it really doesn’t matter. How about we just move forward considering it as a ground meat filled frisbee.
What appeared to be a melting Cheez-It was in there. I trudged on eating it. I still couldn’t taste it, but the fact that I thought I saw it was tricking my brain into thinking it tasted cheesier. I was starting to lose faith in not only Taco Bell, but humanity. If we cannot figure out how to keep a Cheez-It in tortilla stasis long enough to be eaten, then what are we even doing?
This is actually a recurring problem with Taco Bell. Most of the food items that involve anything other than soft tortillas are meant to be eaten within 45 seconds of being served to you. If you are getting your food from the drive thru, then your food is already ruined. This is basically the scale at which you can eat Taco Bell without it being completely ruined.
<1 minute: Hard shell tacos, the Cheez-Its menu
>Infinity: Everything else
I’m not saying that Taco Bell’s food could survive a nuclear holocaust, because at this point, this should be an assumed fact. I would eat a Cheesy Bean and Rice Burrito that survived Chernobyl.
As for the Tostada? Take everything I said about the stupid thing falling apart but you have the visual of watching it collapse into itself like an apathetically made toothpick bridge in whatever science class in high school does that (I wouldn’t know, I did Geology, Life Science, Environmental Science, and Biology in high school. Not the smart person classes). Of course, it suffers from the same thing as anything else. The meat is greasy and the Cheez-It steamed itself in the brief time (less than five minutes) it was in the bag.
At the same time…it’s Taco Bell. Taco Bell is best served at a level of inebriation normally saved for a special occasion or a particularly rowdy Thursday night. It’s not meant to be eaten at 11:30 AM on a Wednesday. If you really think about it, this isn’t Taco Bell’s fault at all. It’s my fault for choosing to actively engage in an activity that I know I shouldn’t be doing unless I’ve drank at least 15 Coors Lights or half a bottle of Evan Williams. Yes, i’m at a point of codependence with Taco Bell that I have a victim mentality. Don’t care, White Castle is much further away. It is what it is.
On a ten Rax Mr. Delicious scale, how many Mr. Delicious’ does the Taco Bell Cheez-Its menu get?
Four Mr. Delicious!
Fancy Boys Club 