It’s snowing in Colorado today. We’re supposed to get somewhere between 18 inches and 3 feet, depending upon what part of the front range your domicile resides. As such, why not give you some great Oscar moments in time.
Man I hope you’re not expecting an all-encompassing article on what actors or actresses’ rate as the best Oscar winners. Yeah there’s a blizzard going on, but you want me to pore over decades of on-screen personas to deliver you some sort of definitive list of great performances?
Understand this and understand it clearly – that is Matt Drufke’s job, not mine. He is the one who carries the torch for those on need of some sort of hardware to justify their existence, a statue golden in color but built like a Ken doll is not something one should covet… unless they want more money. It’s all about money. You know it, your mom knows it, even little Susie down the street pretending to be Amy Adams knows it. You get a nod you get more funds for your next project. You win? You get coin and clout.
Nay, I say to you film folk, nay. This is a list of the ten best Oscars of all time, let’s get to it.
Oscar Wilde – A witty, brilliant writer (reportedly his last words were “This wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. Either it goes or I do.”) who was open, gay, but not openly gay. When he became openly gay homophobia set in and he went to the hoosegow for two years for sodomy.
Oscar Del La Hoya – the second prettiest man to ever pop on gloves and step into the ring. He was a stud, winning 11 world titles in six weight classes. Supposedly he is mounting a comeback. He’s 47 but if Foreman can do it, De La Hoya can do it. Oh, who was prettier? Muhammed Ali. Sorry Oscar.
Oscar the Grouch – The character who put the ‘Street’ in Sesame Street. He lives in a trash can and loves garbage, and sings about it too. He added the grit that show so desperately needed. Without him it would have been nothing but lollipops and rainbows. With him, you got lollipops, rainbows and bubble gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe.
Oscar Robertson – The Big O teamed up with Lew Alcindor (The Big A, aka Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) and won the Milwaukee Bucks a title in 1971. He also AVERAGED a triple double for his first five NBA seasons and had 181 triple doubles for his career. That makes him Oscar the Great too as no one else is close.
Oscar Mayer – Sing the song, enjoy the encased meats, people. He’s so famous he has a Wienermobile in his honor. And I think he would probably say it’s okay to put ketchup on his hot dog. That’s not a personally kinky quirk, it’s so he sells more hot dogs. C’mon people, get your collective minds out of the gutter.
Oscar the Lionfish – No Oscar list is complete without a cartoon Oscar and this is the best one. Voiced by Will Smith, Oscar the Lionfish is in Shark Tale and frankly he steals with whole movie as the sharks are Italian mafia boring. Oscar ends up being known as “The Sharkslayer” yar.
Oscar Gamble – If you were to give anyone a good name for a baseball player, Oscar Gamble is a pretty good one. The sport has been forever linked to cheating via gambling so why not, right? Gamble was mostly known as a Yankee but did have a couple stops in Chicago on the South Side and his first year was as a Cub. Stats? Not much of a banger, he popped an even 200 homers during his 17-year career and had a total of 666 RBI. Ironic he has the mark of the beast but a soft bat.
Oscar Madison – AKA The Slob in Neil Simons’ The Odd Couple both on stage and on TV. Who doesn’t love the character of Oscar Madison as played by Jack Klugman (threw a little acting at you anyway didn’t I)? In real life, Jack Klugman was a saint who had a 24-year marriage to Brett Somers and didn’t marry again until after she died of cancer 30 years after they divorced. Tony Randall as the neat Felix Unger? Should’ve named himself ‘Randy.’ After his first marriage when his wife died after more than 50 years of wedded bliss (assumption), he was a horn dog (no assumption). His last child was born when he was 75… and his wife was 25 (I’ll bet he did put ketchup on his own hot dog, the perv).
Oscar De La Renta – The other Oscar ‘De La’ although he was more of an Oo La La. He was one of Jackie Kennedy’s couturiers. He was such a great fashion designer he could dress a pig for a prom and the sow would end up being prom queen. You could use your stimulus check to buy one of his dresses but you’d still be short… unless you have kids, then use their money too.
Oskar Schindler – How could any Oscar be better than Oskar Schindler? None can. He saved 1,200 Jewish lives from the clutches of the Nazis for the love of whatever religious deity you worship… or don’t. If you can think of anything funny about Oskar Schindler by all means let me know. I can’t, the man was a flippin’ hero who flipped the bird at the Nazis.
Are there other Oscars worthy of mention? Of course. I can’t put together a list that’ll satisfy everyone. You got one? Mention it here or on one of those social media platforms we’re on and I’ll tell you why they did not make the cut.
Fancy Boys Club 