A Royal Mess

If you live a life of ignorance that can only be described as blissful, you might have missed the announcement. If you, like myself and millions of others who, like two trees growing into eachother over time cause the trees to become one, have your phone semi-permanently attached to your hand so that you can be hyper aware of the latest things happening in pop culture, have surely heard the news last week that Prince Harry and his wife Megan Markle have decided to split away from the Royal Family of England to create a life for themselves.

Normal people would view this a couple ways: one thought process being “good for them, they should carve out their own lives as they see fit, seeing as they are grown ass adults going through their grown ass lives, living out their grown ass problems.” Another thought could be “This is a smart move for them as they now have the freedom to profit on themselves and their lives in the public eye.” Some others might think “Why is any of this important?” Those fine Marxists with that rattling around in their brain would be correct. In fact, all three thoughts are correct. These are thoughts had by people who live in democracies that allow people to go out on their own and be Kardashians, or Jenners, or whoever invented Lululemon.

But this wasn’t happening in a democracy. This was happening in England. Where they still have a 118 year old woman walking around as Queen. This is happening in a place THAT WOULD BE SPEAKING GODDAMN GERMAN IF IT WASN’T FOR AMERICA. This is happening in a place where it’s people have reacted in abject fucking horror to the concept that someone might be trying to break away from the Royal Family and will have no chance of being king unless his dad and brother would die.

The same people who are pissed about Harry trying to throw up deuces and bail to Canada are the same people who got mad when Kevin Durant signed with the Golden State Warriors. Harry was never becoming King or Sultan or whatever in England, and Durant was never winning a title with the Thunder. So they both picked up their shit and went to better situations.

But because England is whiter than mayonnaise that has been spilled onto a fresh snow, this is a full on thing. You know how England is also planning on leaving the European Union because…reasons…and they named it the objectively stupid Brexit (get it, Britain is exiting. Brexit. Because Britain. They are exiting. They are exiting the European Union. Britain is), well that is completely on the backburner right now. The most important thing this country has done is happening right now, and It’s not the somewhat acrimonious exit of the ENTIRE COUNTRY from trade deals, financial setups, pretty much everything with every other country in Europe that matters. No, England is choking on their sticky pudding and beans in their breakfast over the fact that someone in the royal family doesn’t want to play make believe anymore.

I digress, and backtrack a bit, for explanatory reasons. Prince Harry and his wife, who is part black, which is important because there are only four other black people in England, have decided to step away from the royal family life. They want to spend time in Canada, and get off the government teet and profit from themselves. For all any of us know, TLC has a new show that’s gonna premiere next year called Royal House Flip, where Harry and Megan get into wacky situations over bathroom tile and landscaping, all the while trying to profit from the ever lucrative (I assume) Vancouver housing market.

Did you notice that I said government teet? That’s because various parts of the English government actually pay the royal family to play make believe in a castle. How much does it pay? Less than a self-help website or whatever the Royal Defectors are going to be doing. While the Royal Family assuredly has an absolute unit of a fortune in things like property, diamonds they took from countries they conquered, and various other things they pilfered back when being the Queen or King or Baron or Archduke meant something, their actual day to day finances are a bit more….tame. A considerable amount of money goes to security, keeping Buckingham Palace or wherever it is they stay, in working order. I actually like to think the entire royal family sleeps in one giant room every night like Little Home on the Prairie.
Goodnight Queen
Goodnight Harry
Goodnight Pippa
Goodnight John Boy

Also, remember how I said earlier that Megan Markle is black? That matters because, as it turns out, racism isn’t just an America (1492-1998, 2016-present) thing. Much like people say racism is taught, well we learned it from our pasty faced brethren across the ocean. There has been an amplified drum beat that Megan ruined Harry’s purity as a royal. Why? Because, she’s not white and inbred. Now, I don’t mean inbred like the entire state of Alabama is inbred, because they are all dumb and poor and fuck their cousins. I mean inbred like England is inbred, because they are all dumb and rich and fuck their cousins.

More specifically, Markle ruins the purity of the royal family because she isn’t all white and WASPy. Megan wanted him out of England so she can go expose him to the horrors of…British Columbia. She is out to ruin the royal family, who, and I can’t keep stressing this enough, are still playing king and queen in 2020, hundreds of years after every other country got rid of this style of leadership. The only countries that still have things like monarchies and royalty like this also have terms like “despot” and “warlord” attached to their names.

It’s worth remembering too that Harry’s mother died when he was 12 because the press would never leave her alone to the point where the mere attempt to escape them played a direct role in her death. He has to live in such a way currently that he reserves zero right to escape under his own will. He has to dress in dumb outfits and deal with antiquated ceremonies and such, all while under a relentless public eye. Fuck that noise. His grandmother shouldn’t get to dictate that. Free will should allow him to do what he wants, and he can fly in to England for family parties and Cotillions or whatever.

That the English are treating this like a complete breakdown of the fabric of their existence is a bit much. They are treating two members of the Royal Family trying to peace out and do their own thing with the same ferocity that Australians are stressing the wildfires that are consuming their country. The main difference of course being that Australia actually is on fire, and England is just being dumb.

In the end, you can’t change your blood. Harry is a part of the Royal Family. No level of huffing and puffing can change that. He should be welcome to live his own life to the best of his abilities and do what is best for his family. That so many people not only have strong opinions on this, but care as much as they do about a family that “lords” over a country that elected Donald Trump impersonator Boris Johnson as president, says much more about their worship of false idols than it does about anything else.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go binge watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

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