TV has quite the broad spectrum these days. If I were an actual TV critic, imagine the amount of tax deductions I’d have subscribing to everything from Amazon Prime to Zee TV. Frankly I didn’t even know Zee TV existed and I’m pretty sure it exists primarily for me to have a complete A to Z joke.
Allow me to take you through a ‘best of’ similar to watching 3+ hours of god-awful backslapping known as the Emmys without actually having to watch the Emmys. Did you know there are nearly 100 Emmy categories? Holy crap these people love to congratulate one another. Relax. I’m only hitting the highlights I want to hit. Let’s start with a couple you won’t see given out while you’d eat your gourmet popcorn and watch:
Outstanding Cinematography
Oklahoma is Oklahoma, so Watchmen, you’re out. I’m throwing Chernobyl a radioactive bone here because it’s got to win something, right? Can’t understand why all the Russkis had British accents, but the dreariness of a nuclear disaster was just how I imagined it would be, along with the patently dull British clothing, so it wins for Outstanding Period Costumes too (yes, that’s a category).
Outstanding Sound Mixing
Watchmen was too subtle in sound, although splishing squids from the sky is pretty nifty. However, as much as I hate to do it, it’s hard to beat fire-shooting dragons (I prefer ‘shooting’ as ‘breathing’ just sounds weird) and screaming people on fire. Well done, Game of Thrones.
Outstanding Visual Effects
Chernobyl had some serious dreariness going on, but Watchmen had clones and fires and crashes and UFOS and a catapult. And no to Game of Thrones. Yeah it had a crumbling ice wall. OK. Fine. But the combo of Watchmen effects beats the armor right off GOT.
Outstanding Hair Styling for a Limited Series
Yes, this category actually exists. Seemed that every show I watched had a lot of people who never learned how to use a brush or comb. Lots of unkemptness. But when it came time to gussy up those noggins, I’ll have to go with Game of Thrones. Yeah, I know ‘who’s looking at hair with all those boobs?’ but truly there was some fine styling going on.
Outstanding Short Form Animation
While I appreciate the briefness of Don Johnson twisting in the wind hanging from a tree in Watchmen, I will have to go with Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister running away in sheer terror from whatever queen he was doting on at the moment.
Supporting Actor – Drama Series
I’ll have to go with Yahya Abdul Mateen II as Cal Abraham in Watchman, who plays the husband of Angela Abraham (played by Regina King). He goes through a lot, is a rock for her, and then reveals his true self as a member of the Blue Man Group but with better tricks.
Supporting Actress – Drama Series
Jean Smart. She spent way too much time as the comic foil to the rest of the Designing Women and has now earned her way into the great role of FBI Agent Blake in Watchmen. Quite the smart-ass that Blake. I loved it.
Lead Actress – Drama Series
So many to choose from, but I will have to go with Regina King. As Angela Abraham in Watchmen, she’s a bad-ass whom I have zero desire to meet in a dark alley.
Lead Actor – Drama Series
Seemed we were poised for a Watchmen sweep, but as much as I love Tim Blake Nelson as Looking Glass in Watchmen, he never said ‘she turned me into a horny toad’ which is what I expect from every role he plays. Therefore, I have chosen the powerfully understated Isaac Hempstead Wright as Bran Stark in Game of Thrones. Really as understated a role as there ever has been created, Bran managed to gain the entire kingdom by rolling his eyes backwards a lot and turning into a raven. I would have preferred Bran turning into a raisin so he’d be known as Raisin Bran but that would be too deep of a Dad Joke turn for GOT to handle.
Writing – Drama Series
Just when you thought Lost was going to be the acme of Damon Lindelof’s career, he comes out with Watchmen. Damn fine work. Get up here and grab your trophy.
Outstanding Drama Series
After all of that build-up you’d think the best TV would be a gimmee putt at this point, right? Just hand it on over to Watchmen and be done with it? Oh I am going to throw you a better twist than Don Johnson performed hanging in that tree. My best TV series winner of 2019 is (insert popcorn crunching sound effect here):
Sharp Objects.
“But that came out in 2018.”
You think I don’t know that? I do. But I am a very busy guy. I don’t have time to spend racking up hours bouncing from Hulu to Netflix to HBO to Amazon Prime. I can’t afford the time… or money, that shit’s expensive. If you can, for the love of digital rabbit ears, go invest in essential oils or find a hobby. I only subscribed to HBO Now to watch Game of Thrones and then I stuck with it… and discovered Sharp Objects.
I binged Sharp Objects because I thought it was a documentary about the downfall of the Sharper Image retail stores. Man was I wrong. Sharp Objects, with that sweet downstate Illinois woman Amy Adams, was one hell of a show with an ending you don’t see coming… unless you read the book first which would ruin it.
So it wins. Argue all you want. It’s my list. Go back to your regularly scheduled programming.
Fancy Boys Club 