FANCY BOYS FOOTBALL MAILBAG: WEEK 16

Fancy Boys founder Matt Drufke doesn’t know anything about football. Lucky for him, Brandon Andreasen and Jack Baker do.

Each week, Matt emails Brandon and Jack NFL questions, they then immediately go and make fun of his lack of knowledge in a secret group chat. They then go and answer the questions. Here are those answers.

Two major things happened this weekend: the sixteenth week of NFL football, and the release of the major motion picture Cats. Let’s focus on the Bears/Chiefs game I’m watching, where Patrick Mahomes did something that I want to talk about. After running in for a touchdown, Mahomes made a hand gesture of sticking out all of his fingers to indicate that he was the tenth pick in the NFL draft, meaning that nine teams (including the Bears) missed the chance to draft what many consider one of the best quarterbacks in the league. So, let’s imagine a scenario where the Bears chose to take Mahomes instead of Trubisky. Is he just as good as he currently is, or did he need to go to the Chiefs to be what he is? I guess what I’m saying is: do you consider him more of a Bustopher Jones or a Rum Tum Tugger?

Brandon – I thought the cops shut down all the Rum Tum Tuggers in the area. With Mahomes, there is no promise he would have been good in Chicago. Remember the Simpsons episode where Homer became union chief to fight for a dental plan [Editor’s note: Lisa needs braces]? And when he won, Homer rolled on the ground like the 3 Stooges, causing Mr. Burns to say “I’m beginning to think Homer Simpson is not the brilliant tactician I thought he was.”

I’m beginning to think Matt Nagy ALSO isn’t the brilliant tactician we thought.

Jack – Mahomes would still be better than Trubisky, because he’s just one of the most naturally gifted football players who’s ever lived. But I don’t think there’s any way he’d be what he is. For one, Andy Reid can scheme guys open better than anyone. How many times was Travis Kelce left wide open for first downs last night? And, the Chiefs have a stable of skill position players unlike anyone in the NFL. He was put into the best possible position to succeed and that combined with his natural talent has made him the best player in the NFL.

Perhaps more surprising than the beautiful CGI in Cats was the Seahawks loss to the Cardinals. This could potentially put the Seahawks down to the third seed in the NFC, making them have to play on the wildcard weekend. Was this a fluke loss or should the Seahawks be concerned? Have other teams found how to be Macavity to Russell Wilson and his team of Skimbleshanks?

Brandon – As soon as I’m fully vested, i’m gonna be such a ghost on this website…

Like, Skimbleshanks is a Harry Potter thing, right? Matt is just messing with me now to see if I’m paying attention. Also, not sure what Russell Wilson having a cavity has to do with any of this.

The real problem for the Seahawks is that they are starting to fall apart. The injuries are mounting and they aren’t deep enough to fill the gaps. Russell Wilson isn’t trying to throw downfield as much and if they aren’t keeping teams honest, they are screwed.

Jack – The NFC playoffs are going to be a dogfight, except for whoever gets to demolish the Eagles in the Wild Card round. Whoever represents the NFC in the Super Bowl will have survived a gauntlet and will probably lose to the AFC rep on account of how much rest the AFC team got not playing anyone tough in the playoffs. Any of the 5 NFC playoff teams could win, or get blown out, Seahawks included. It’s a weird conference where everyone has great games one week and then looks terrible the next week. The Seahawks are no different.

We’re starting to get to the point where people are talking about the MVP race. Who do you think will be winning the NFL version of the Jellicle Ball and winning the award this year?

Brandon – Jellicle Ball is a sex toy. You are not slipping that one past me. Much like Lamar Jackson isn’t letting the MVP slip through his fingers.

Jack – Lamar Jackson is going to win and a bunch of old white NFL people are going to go on pretending their pre-draft criticism of him wasn’t entirely based on old racist stereotypes. Just like I’m assuming happens in Cats.

I don’t think we’ve ever talked about the Houston Texans this year. Yet, here they are, 10-5 and on the top of the AFC South. What is the Texans key to success? More importantly, do they have any chance to get to the Superbowl in a conference with the Patriots, Chiefs, and Ravens? Will they find their own Mr. Mistoffelees to help them get to the big game?

Brandon – Anything can happen, but the Texans are not…what the fuck is a Mr. Mistoffelees? This entire website is five months from just being Family Matters erotic fan fiction.

Jack – The Texans win as many games as Deshaun Watson can single handedly carry them too. He’s amazing and will hopefully get an offensive line one day so he doesn’t burn out and retire at 29 like Andrew Luck. Also, the Bears could have drafted him too but didn’t think it was worth interviewing the Heisman Trophy winning QB who led his team to a national championship. Fuck Ryan Pace with a Mr. Mistoffelees.

Fucking Cats… am I right?

Brandon – Brandon/Matt date night to the movies to see Cats, coming soon!

Jack – cool. Guess I’ll just sit in the row behind you guys kicking your chairs and dumping popcorn on you.

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