I’m jet lagged. I’ll get back into full style next week. Pinky promise. In the meantime, here is this week’s power rankings! As always, the NFC is an absolute disaster where we are destined to have every team finish 8-8, except for the Lions who will go 7-8-1 and the Cardinals, who will somehow go 8-7-1. I’m half tempted to only rank the AFC, but what fun is that. Lets do this!
1: New England Patriots
Now that the Patriots have gotten done playing the minor league portion of their schedule, they get to play **checks schedule** The Browns??? Are you kidding me? Nick Saban is embarrassed by the schedule the Patriots have played so far. And of course, the moment one players goes down, in this case Josh Gordon, they trade for Mohammad Sanu, who will promptly go off for 272 receiving yards this week, and then be deactivated the week after because Bill Belichick wants to run a three fullback set.
2: San Francisco 49ers
Settle down, 49ers fans. They just scored nine points against a Redskins team that is going to rank somewhere just below getting herpes in this week’s rankings. The next six games get real in a hurry for the 49ers, with the Panthers, Cardinals(twice), Seahawks, Packers, and Ravens next. If they play these games like they played last week, they are going to lose four of these games and be in last place in the West.
3: New Orleans Saints
They didn’t just beat the Bears. They embarrassed a Bears game team coming off a bye. They looked like a real team with a real game plan and executed everything with perfection. The final score is not indicative of the ass whooping they gave Chicago.
4: Green Bay Packers
That was the best Aaron Rodgers has looked in a long time. If that’s the Aaron Rodgers that shows up for the rest of the reason, along with the Packers defense playing like it is, then the Packers are legitimate Super Bowl contenders right now.
5: Baltimore Ravens
I honestly thought we were going to get a great game between the Seahawks and Ravens this past week. Instead we got the Ravens controlling the ball on offense and defense and stepping into the void left by Patrick Mahomes knee injury as the second best team in the AFC. If the Ravens can stay healthy, they could be one of the only teams with a chance of taking down the Patriots.
6: Indianapolis Colts
You do you, Jacoby Brissett! You do you!
7: Buffalo Bills
I have literally no faith in this team and find it absolutely bizarre that their only loss is a nail biter against the Patriots. Nothing makes sense about this team, but unlike so many other teams in the NFL this season, they are winning the games put in front of them. It’s ugly, it’s not always fun to watch, and they have the biggest lunatic fans in the NFL and possibly all of North American sports, but they are still sitting here with a 5-1 record and a clear path to the playoffs as the team nobody wants to face in the first round.
8: Seattle Seahawks
Seattle used to be one of the toughest stadiums to play in, but this year has been different for Russell Wilson and the Seahawks. They are only 2-2 at home this season. Since 2010, they have only lost three more more games 3 times, and never more than 4. If the team goes undefeated on the road, this will be a moot point, but it’s worth watching.
9: Minnesota Vikings
I honestly have no idea what to do with this team at this point. So i’ll put them here and watch them inevitably look like a massive, raging pile of ass on Thursday night against an inferior team.
10: Houston Texans
This team genuinely looks talented but stupidly undisciplined. If they played football around 15% tighter, they would be 6-1 right now.
11: Kansas City Chiefs
Patrick Mahomes has once again dodged the bigger injury that could have ended his and the Chiefs season, but this underscores how fragile the quarterback position is in the NFL in 2019. For every Gardner Minshew and Kyle Allen to step in and shepherd a team, the NFL is littered with Brian Hoyers and Chase Daniels who are basically just asked not to make things worse, and often fail in their opportunity to do so.
The Chiefs need to make sure they are limiting Mahomes’ ability to get injured because he really is the difference between them being a super bowl contender and an after thought.
12: Carolina Panthers
Here is what it says about Kyle Allen’s performance this season: the rumor mongers who keep the constant churn of rumors and innuendo are so smitten about Allen that there are trade rumors rising about Cam Newton. Newton, it should be noted, sucks. He has sucked for a couple seasons now. Allen is keeping the team going. Newton throws the ball at his receiver’s feet. It’s really a shame the Panthers’ playoff hopes are going to die soon.
13: Los Angeles Rams
I don’t even a little bit know if this team is good. That said, this team has Aaron Donald, who is the best player in all of football. He got Falcons running back Devonte Freeman to get thrown out of the game. And then they proceeded to ass whip the Falcons, a thing that every team should be doing at this point.
14: Detroit Lions
I guess this is what I get for having faith in the Lions. Fucking assholes.
15: Arizona Cardinals
Seeing as nobody reads me anyway, i’m going to go ahead and say that I believed in the Arizona Cardinals all along. They are a good and almighty team of young and exciting players.
Also, the fact that the Cardinals are 15 is very much an indictment of the quality of football in the NFL this year.
16: Dallas Cowboys
Congrats, Cowboys, you beat \a team that will henceforth be known as worse than you. The Eagles suck and you guys are competent. When you guys genuinely beat a real football team, we will talk.
17: Jacksonville Jaguars
I genuinely don’t care if this team is good. Gardner Minshew is, and will always be, the god we live under.
18: Philadelphia Eagles
It says way more about the rest of the NFL that this team is in the top 20, than it does to the talent of the Eagles and their horseshit no-show act last week.
19: Oakland Raiders
This team must have still been on London time, because they sure as shit weren’t on Green Bay time.
20: Chicago Bears
These fucking dongs are the biggest frauds in the NFL. Too-clever-for-his-own-good Matt Nagy decided it wasn’t important for Mitch Trubisky to play in the preseason. The issue is, Trubisky sucks, and Nagy is being exposed as the ass hat that he is. The Bears are the definition of Naturdays: Good idea in the moment, while being a horrifying bad idea for weeks and weeks and weeks to follow.
Also, can someone put Khalil Mack onto a milk carton? He has been a complete no show act for a couple weeks now.
21: Cleveland Browns
Good job, Browns, you moved up via the act of having not had to play this week. Fuck off.
22: Tennessee Titans
The Titans beat the Chargers on Sunday due to an epic lap of judgement in the Chargers ability to move the ball 1 yard for nearly two minutes. Like, holy hell, the Titans deserve all the credit in the world for having stopped them so many times, but…you know what, i’ll wait til I get to the Chargers.
23: Pittsburgh Steelers
Did the Steelers play this week? I dunno. Who cares?
24: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Did the Buccaneers play this week? I dunno. Who cares?
25: Denver Broncos
This team definitely played this past week. And they sucked. Ferociously. They sucked so hard that they knocked the best quarterback in the game out for multiple weeks. This team is so bad, they actively make other teams bad in their wake.
26: New York Giants
There should be a poison pill that Saquon Barkley can swallow that allows him to move on to a better team. Imagine how good Barkley would look on the Seahawks, or 49ers, or god help us all, the Patriots. Saquon is the biggest game changing talent in the NFL by comparison. His skills are being wasted for this Armenian knock off wig of a football team. The Giants are the Nickelback of football. You can’t find a single person that enjoys this team, and the people that outwardly do enjoy the team are people you don’t want to hang out with in the first place.
27: Cincinnati Bengals
The Bengals suck in a way that is normally reserved for a seventh grade band recital, but that level of bad is somehow better, even having not won a game this season, than the five worse teams on this list.
28: San Bernadino Chargers
This team had more chances to close from the goal line than a dorky teen who hired a prostitute on prom night. And just like that dork ass teen, they failed. They lost in the most excruciating fashion possible for their fans…err, if they had fans. See, the Chargers are the Applebees of the NFL. Some people show up there, but nobody thinks its a good idea, and more often than not, it’s a failure to end up there.
29: New York Jets
“I’m seeing ghosts” -Future backup quarterback Sam Darnold
491: Atlanta Falcons
Every week that the coaching staff isn’t fired should cause a new petition to never shop at Home Depot ever again. I don’t shop at Home Depot because I was once fired from there. But most people don’t have that reason, and should not go there because their owner also owns the Falcons and he should be reminded that what he is doing is an atrocity towards football. Poor, poor Julio Jones…
99,193: Washington Redskins
You scored zero points. In an NFL game. Fuck you AND the 49ers for having forced at least a few people to have to watch this game. The league should be taken from their owner and put in the care of a consortium of people who get asked one question: Do you think the term “Redskin” is racist? If they say yes, then they are allowed to take over the team.
3,084,205: Miami Dolphins
Just go fuck yourselves, you nothings.