Well, week four was goddamn stupid. Too many good teams lost and the entire power rankings have been thrown into chaos. I have no idea what’s going on anymore. Common sense can go to hell. I hate this sport more than Vonteze Burfict loves being a shithead. Let’s get into it, babayyy! Week 5 Power Rankings!
1: New England Patriots
Last Week’s Ranking: 1
The Good-You expect a good offense out of the Patriots every week, but the Patriots stayed undefeated because of their defense and special teams. The Patriots are able to take advantage on all three facets of the game, which is going to make them borderline unbeatable this season.
The Bad-Tom Brady hasn’t had a game this bad from a completion percentage standpoint since 2006. He was under fire all game, and the Bills may have provided a blueprint for how other teams can attack the Patriots through the season. The problem? They don’t play any teams that can really punch them in the teeth the way the Bills defense can until they play the Eagles in mid November.
The Mike Glennon-Two assistant coaches had to be escorted off the field by Bills head coach Sean McDermott because they wouldn’t leave the field because they were trying to watch the Bills practice, which is illegal. Cheaters gonna cheat.
2: Kansas City Chiefs
Last Week’s Ranking: 2
The Good-The Chiefs lived to stay undefeated for another day. The team is still too talented to be kept down, and Pat Mahomes had a maturity beyond his years driving the Chiefs down field to win the game.
The Bad-The Lions were again able to prove that this defense can be thrown on, and were able to wear down their defensive line throughout the game until Kerryon Johnson was able to start gashing them for big runs in the second half.
The Mike Glennon-If you had Meecole Hardman on your fantasy team, my condolences.
3: New Orleans Saints
Last Week’s Ranking: 10
The Good-Having watched the game and stared at the box score, I genuinely have no idea how this team won the game. But they did. They are more than treading water without Drew Brees. They are excelling on defense and look like one of the favorites in the NFC again.
The Bad-The running game is still struggling right now, and for sustained success, they are going to need to get more than 117 total rushing yards to sustain themselves with backup Teddy Bridgewater.
The Mike Glennon-The defense only came up with one sack for the game. They are going to need to get more pressure on the quarterback if they don’t eventually want to be burned in the secondary.
4: San Francisco 49ers
Last Week’s Ranking: 14
The Good-By not playing, they take over first place in the mostly competitive NFC West.
The Bad-Maybe someone suffered a killer sun burn on their off day?
The Mike Glennon-The next two games get more difficult for the team as they have to play the suddenly alive Browns and the Rams.
5: Green Bay Packers
Last Week’s Ranking: 5
The Good-Aaron Rodgers looked the best he has all season, hitting Davante Adams early and often. Then Adams got injured.
The Bad-And things went to hell. Rodgers still put up a ton of yards, but they were empty calories. The running game was nearly non-existent, and the run defense got gashed to the tune of 5.9 yards per rush.
The Mike Glennon-An extended absence by Davante Adams could really hurt the Packers offense.
6: Seattle Seahawks
Last Week’s Ranking: 11
The Good-Instead of leaving any doubt, the Seahawks pushed out to a 17 point half time lead and then cruised to a victory against one of the dregs of the NFC.
The Bad-They gave up rushes at an average of five yards per attempt. This could have been an issue if the Cardinals had realized this and kept running the ball, instead of hanging their rookie quarterback out to dry.
The Mike Glennon-Even though Russell Wilson has done a good job spreading the ball around so far this season, he hasn’t been able to establish a consistent connection with any of his wide receivers, which could come back to haunt him.
7: Chicago Bears
Last Week’s Ranking: 12
The Good-The Bears defense was otherworldly on Sunday. They shut down the NFL’s leading rusher, and did what everyone knew needed to be done against the Vikings: make them win through the air. And they managed to do it without All Pro players Akeim Hicks and Roquan Smith.
The Bad-Yes, it’s cute and all that Chase Daniel got the win, but there is a reason he is in his 11th year in the NFL, and has never been a starter. He’s not that good.
The Mike Glennon-There is a ton of secrecy about what happened to Roquan Smith, who was a late scratch for personal reasons. An extended absence like his could come back to haunt them next week against a Raiders team that focuses on plays best defended by speedy outside linebackers.
8: St. Louis Rams
Last Week’s Ranking: 3
The Good-Normally putting up that many points is good enough to beat teams in the NFL…
The Bad-But HOLY HELL, you cannot let Jameis Winston own you this thoroughly. The Bucs offense, coached by Byron Leftwich, was able to do whatever they wanted throughout the game. The Rams defense couldn’t get consistent pressure on Winston, allowing him to wait for his receivers to get open. And they did. A lot.
The Mike Glennon-Thank god Jason Peters was able to stand up after getting nearly decapitated on an interception he returned for a touchdown. It was one of the scariest hits I’ve ever seen on a football field.
9: Dallas Cowboys
Last Week’s Ranking: 4
The Good-Everyone is still good friends?
The Bad-The offense which looked great through three games, got completely shut down by the Saints defense. Ezekiel Elliott was held to less than two yards per carry and a fumble.
The Mike Glennon-A couple people questioned why I didn’t have the Cowboys ranked higher than 4th in the power rankings the past couple weeks. It was because they hadn’t played anyone. The moment they had to play someone, they shat the bed on the national TV.
10: Detroit Lions
Last Week’s Ranking: 15
The Good-They had the Chiefs right up until the bitter end. Matt Stafford thought through an injury and incompetent coaching to keep his team alive. The Lions actually did something i’ve never seen before and wish happened more often. They threw two hail marys at the end of the game. They ran off the first one with enough time to do it again. If it’s kind of genius because the only real other option they have is to try to make a 10 yard pass then throw a hail mary. Why not just do it twice? What’s the worst that can happen, an interception gets thrown and they lose, anyway?
The Bad-They won the turnover battle, but the Kerryon Johnson fumble at the end zone that got returned 100 yards was an absolutely brutal 14 point swing in a game the Lions had a real chance at winning.
The Mike Glennon-They are going into a bye week after that loss, leaving them two weeks to be left thinking about that loss, letting it sting.
11: Jacksonville Jaguars
Last Week’s Ranking: 16
The Mike Glennon-MINSHEW
12: Philadelphia Eagles
Last Week’s Ranking: 17
The Good-In a game that looked like it was going to be dominated by Aaron Rodgers, the Eagles were able to counter punch, and roll on the strength of a great running game to a victory over the previously undefeated Packers.
The Bad-Until Davante Adams went down with an injury, he was exploiting his matchup with the Eagles defense. The Eagles need some secondary help, and soon.
The Mike Glennon-Carson Wentz only completed passes to two wide receivers the entire game, and I was pretty sure it was only one because I didn’t really know Mack Hollins was real.
13: Baltimore Ravens
Last Week’s Ranking: 6
The Good-The Ravens still have an offensive that is going to make you worried, even in spite of their two straight losses.
The Bad-They lost a game they absolutely needed to win. The key to putting a team like the Browns out of their misery early in the season is to bury them in the division and get way out ahead. Instead, two straight losses have the Ravens tied with them in what has become a very winnable division.
The Mike Glennon-Lost in Lamar Jackson’s great run is the fact that he is struggling to get passes to his receivers and often becomes too dependent on throwing to his tight ends. This works when you play a team that isn’t athletic enough to handle tight ends and a linebacker to spy on Jackson. When they do run into a team like that, they are a bit screwed.
14: Buffalo Bills
Last Week’s Ranking: 7
The Good-The defense in real. They made life hell on Tom Brady all day. They had Brady seeing ghosts all game. If the defense can get even adequate play at quarterback, they are a legitimate contender in the AFC. Not just the East. The entire conference.
The Bad-Their starting quarterback, Josh Allen, really isn’t providing that kind of play right now, and holy hell, I didn’t realize that, not only was Matt Barkley still in the NFL, he was the main backup on a team with playoff aspirations.
The Mike Glennon-If Frank Gore actually continues playing like this, then I might have to start taking back all of the old jokes I made about them. I’ll have to tell him on an 8 track, because that’s the most recent piece of technology he understands, though.
15: Indianapolis Colts
Last Week’s Ranking: 8
The Good-I struggle to find anything good to say. This team was thoroughly outplayed by a garbage Raiders team. I guess they can lean on the fact that they lost because so many players were injured.
The Bad-The Colts were beaten on both sides of the ball. The usually reliable defense couldn’t slow down a balanced Raiders attack. The defense only had one sack on the game.
The Mike Glennon-Coach Frank Reich needs to pray that Darrius Leonard and Ty Hilton come back next week, because this team does not look nearly as good without their two best players.
16: Houston Texans
Last Week’s Ranking: 9
The Good-Oof. Just.
The Bad-The defense only managed to hit the quarterback six times in the game. The best way to beat an inexperienced quarterback? Beat the crap out of him. They couldn’t get enough pressure and Kyle Allen and lost because of it.
The Mike Glennon-Deshaun Watson averaged 4.6 yards per pass attempt. That’s Trubisky level bad.
17: NoHo Chargers
Last Week’s Ranking: 18
The Good-The Chargers took care of business against a Dolphins team that is such ragingly hot trash that they should just play their games on a garbage barge. They got five sacks, and Melvin Gordon will be back soon.
The Bad-Like, they were supposed to win this game, and they just kind of did. If they really wanted to distinguish themselves as a contender, they should have put a 40 or 50 spot on Miami. They have the resources to do it, and just kind of didn’t.
The Mike Glennon-The Chargers have three infinitely winnable games over the next three weeks, with games against the Broncos, Steelers, and Titans. They will need to be sitting at 5-2 after these games, but because they are the Chargers, they will somehow end up 3-4.
18: Carolina Panthers
Last Week’s Ranking: 20
The Good-Kyle Allen mania, babayyyy! Ron Rivera has already announced that Cam Newton is out next week. He probably couldn’t wait to make that announcement. He was sprinting to where the reporters were to happily tell them that Newton was out.
The Bad-The Panthers defense had 8 sacks. I didn’t want to post anything bad. They deserve credit for making Kyler Murray’s life hell all day.
The Mike Glennon-They should play on the road every week. This team is 2-0 on the road, and 0-2 at home. Maybe if they tear down the statue of the racist, inappropriate touching ex owner and replace it with literally nothing at all, then they will be good.
19: Tennessee Titans
Last Week’s Ranking: 22
The Good-Hey, how ’bout that? Marcus Mariotta looked like a real live NFL quarterback on Sunday, carving the Titans up for over 200 yards and three touchdowns.
The Bad-96 of those yards were to AJ Brown. When Brown was injured in the second quarter, the passing game came to a screeching halt.
The Mike Glennon-The key for the Titans has consistently been their ability to get sacks. They got five on Sunday and cruised to victory.
20: Cleveland Browns
Last Week’s Ranking: 21
The Good-They kicked the Ravens teeth in. This was the team people were expecting at the beginning of the season. Hot, nasty, offensive fun. Nick Chubb had a monster game and Jarvis Landry busted out to the tune of 165 receiving yards.
The Bad-I mean, they are going to give up points. That’s a given. But when their offense is running well like this, they are going to be in a lot of games.
The Mike Glennon-Their coach is still a cornfed simpleton.
21: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Last Week’s Ranking: 28
The Good-The Bucs just up and went out and slapped the Rams around like the Rams owed them money. Then one of their offensive linemen tried to commit a murder on Jason Peters.
The Bad-Last week, I openly questioned whether Jared Goff was that good of a quarterback. The Bucs secondary allowed him to go off for over 500 passing yards.
The Mike Glennon-I genuinely don’t know if this team is good, and don’t even know if I want to root for them. Jameis Winston is a creep and total shithead of a human, but I loved Byron Leftwich growing up, and he’s the main play caller on this team now. I’m torn.
22: Minnesota Vikings
Last Week’s Ranking: 13
The Good-Nobody died.
The Bad-They lost to a team that was mostly quarterbacked by career backup Chase Daniel. Their defense had no idea how to defend a slower, weaker armed version of the quarterback that was supposed to be running the Bears offense.
The Mike Glennon-Kirk Cousins sucks. Not sure what more there is to say about this team.
23: Oakland Raiders
Last Week’s Ranking: 26
The Good-Derrick Carr and the Raiders might have hit on something over the season. They are getting the ball the hell out of the quarterback’s hands. Carr has held the ball after the snap for less time than any other QB in the NFL, and it worked. The Colts were unable to stop the team when they needed to.
The Bad-None of this probably matters. The Raiders can be bum slayers all they want, but in a division that has the Chiefs, they will be playing for second.
The Mike Glennon-The Raiders aren’t going to beat many teams by getting zero sacks. They invested a high draft pick by overpicking Clelin Ferrell with the 4th pick. He was supposed to instantly help the pass rush. He has gotten all of 10 tackles and one sack through four games.
24: New York Giants
Last Week’s Ranking: 24
The Good-Daniel Jones started out well before playing like dog shit for three quarters. It didn’t matter, though, because they were playing a team that had fully quit on their coach already and went to their own rookie quarterback to light a fire under their asses. No fire was lit.
The Bad-The Giants really only won because the Redskins are a bigger pile of ass than they are.
The Mike Glennon-The fun is over because the Giants have to start playing a couple NFL teams, with the Vikings followed by the Patriots on a short week.
25: Atlanta Falcons
Last Week’s Ranking: 19
The Good-Last week, I said I’m sick of trying to say anything nice about this stupid team. Then they went out and did this. How is their coach not fired, yet? He should be fired, and whoever decided Dirk Koetter was a good idea at offensive coordinator should be run out of town with pitchforks like the shitty play calling Frankenstein monsters they are.
The Bad-Everything is bad on a team that has Julio Jones and Calvin Ridley, but every week, Austin Hooper manages to be the only person in the offense that matters.
The Mike Glennon-At some point, this team is going to win three straight games, and i’m going to think about buying back in on this team. It is your job as the readers to kick me in the dick if I do that.
26: Pittsburgh Steelers
Last Week’s Ranking: 30
The Good-Thanks to the fact that they now play in arguably the worst division in football, they are one game out of first place after kicking the Bengals in their taints over and over.
The Bad-Eventually, they have to beat a real football team, but eight sacks is a step in the right direction.
The Mike Glennon-The Steelers were at times running a full on wishbone offense. Multiple option plays. They were running plays that haven’t been popular since most of the team wasn’t allowed to play in the NFL.
27: Denver Broncos
Last Week’s Ranking: 23
The Good-For the everyith week this season, the Broncos did what seemed like enough to win, but managed to lose, anyway. They ran the ball a grand total of 16 times all game, which isn’t something competent teams do when Joe Flacco is their quarterback.
The Bad-Bradley Chubb is done for the season with a knee injury, which is lucky for him in that he doesn’t have to play the rest of the season. Cornerback Chris Harris, who resigned with the Broncos on a one year deal said before the season that he was going to prove to the Broncos that he deserved a long term deal and wanted to stay with the team. After Sunday’s game, he told a reporter “13 weeks til i’m out of here.”
The Mike Glennon-Coming into this week’s game, Von Miller, notably one of the best linebackers in football, had as many sacks as I did. He broke his tie with me this week, getting two sacks.
28: Cincinnati Bengals
Last Week’s Ranking: 27
The Good-At least the Bengals remembered they were playing the Steelers and decided to try to fight them and cheap shot them.
The Bad-Andy Dalton doesn’t know how to run a 2 minute offense or any type of hurry up offense, and nothing you can show me is gonna make me think otherwise. He has all the panic of a cat that has been given too much catnip.
The Mike Glennon-If I’m AJ Green, i’m paying a physical therapist to tell the team there was setback in recovery so I don’t have to play for this tiger striped Hindenburg.
29: Arizona Cardinals
Last Week’s Ranking: 29
The Good-This team is going backwards. Like, they are genuinely not getting better every week.
The Bad-The offense is almost exclusively dependent on Kyler Murray not getting murdered because his offensive line is easier to get into than Northern Illinois University.
The Mike Glennon-There should be some sort of Farm Aid, you know the concert where Willie Nelson and John Mellancamp sing for farmers to buy new tractors and what not? There should be a Farm Aid for getting Larry Fitzgerald onto a good team before he retires.
30: Washington Redskins
Last Week’s Ranking: 25
The Good-This team is a pile of used dildos.
The Bad-Just a massive pile of dildos of various colors and shapes.
The Mike Glennon-Just big, floppy dildos, in a pile as high as you’ve ever seen.
903: New York Jets
Last Week’s Ranking: 294
The Good-Theoretically, they move up the rankings by not playing, but that’s not how this works.
The Bad-Their coach sucks even more ferociously than nearly every team on this list. Seriously, it’s baffling even now that Adam Gase was given another job. When his agent said NewYork was interested in him, he had to assume it was the New York XFL team calling.
The Mike Glennon-Still not sure if Sam Darnold has gotten over his kissing disease.
11,239: Miami Dolphins
Last Week’s Ranking: 7812
Who cares. This team is such an absolute stack of burning hair with diapers thrown in on top of it. Fuck them.