Welcome back to the Fancy Boys NFL Season Previews. I hope you all enjoyed your end of summer. Did you get it out of your system? Good! Because two things are true of the rest of the year: It’s time for me to put away all of my white clothing, and it’s TIME FOR THE NFL TO START!
We are three days away from football season, and Jack and I are going to pump so much football down your gullet, you are gonna pray for the sweet, sweet release of death. Speaking of sweet, sweet death. Lets talk about the NFC East!
Team: Dallas Cowboys
2018 Record: 10-6
My 2019 Predicted Record: 9-7
Preseason Power Ranking:
2019 Strength of Schedule: 14th Toughest Schedule
So here is where we stand on Monday afternoon: The Cowboys are close to a deal with Ezekiel Elliott, but they aren’t close to a deal. They are close on numbers, but not close on opt outs and incentives. In short, the Cowboys are being seriously petty in an effort to win a perceived battle against Elliott, the all-world running back who is the main reason this team is good in the first place. It’s almost impossible to peg this team because they could cruise to a division title with a full season of Zeke, but if he starts to miss time, and since we are only 6 days away from the season, there is real reason to believe he will, this team could be standing at the .500 mark.
I’m going to hedge and say that they get it figured out. But this is still a bad look for Cowboys owner and Scooby Doo villain Jerry Jones. His three best players all want new contracts. Amari Cooper turned into Jerry Rice the moment he got on the team last year and would like a pay raise, but has shown up to camp and is ready to play. So has Dak Prescott, who turned down a 30 million dollar per year contract because he wants 40 million dollars per year. The list of quarterbacks who deserve that much is a small list, and he isn’t on it. In fact, a quick look at the league shows that Prescott is a middle of the road quarterback who looks better than he is due to a great offensive line. Prescott probably isn’t the best quarterback in the state of Texas.
Dak reminds me quite a bit of Jason Campbell. If you jump into a time machine you will find a lot of people that believed Campbell was a good quarterback over a decade ago. He had a lot of high percentage numbers that looked good as long as you didn’t look underneath the hood too much on the numbers. Then Campbell got paid, and when the microscope was on him,it was obvious that he couldn’t throw the ball downfield and his high completion percentage came from high percentage dump off passes, and that he couldn’t get a third down completion over 4 yards. Within a couple years, he was out of the NFL.
Dak is better than Campbell, but should probably be very happy that a 4th round pick who got a DUI a month before the draft got a 30 million dollar offer when one of the 5 best players in the league, who happens to be Dak’s teammate, is sitting around having to battle just to get guarantees that equal what Dak would get every year.
Is This Team Better Than Last Year: No, because they are trying to nickel and dime their best player.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: No, because they are trying to nickel and dime their best player.
Fantasy Player You Should Be Drafting: Tony Pollard, who is starting because they are trying to nickel and dime their best player.
Fantasy Player You Should Avoid Like the Plague: Ezekiel Elliott, because they are trying to nickel and dime their best player.
If This Team Was a Song: Runaway by Kanye West because Jerry Jones is a douchebag and an asshole, so let’s have a toast to him.
Team: Philadelphia Eagles
2018 Record: 9-7
My 2019 Predicted Record: 9-7
Preseason Power Ranking:
2019 Strength of Schedule: 26th Toughest Schedule
Every year, I underrate this team.Every year this team blows up my spot and proves me wrong. So what am I going to do this year? You better believe i’m gonna underrate them!Why? Last year, the Eagles had Nick Foles, probably the best backu pin football, who in back to back years, was able to come in when Carson Wentz got injured and lead the team on a playoff run. Nick Foles is gone, and he has been replaced with [[checks notes]] something called a Nate Sudfeld. Sudfeld is in his 4th year out of noted quarterback factory University of Indiana. Behind him is Josh McCown, who is continuing to exist merely to prove to every person that they should raise their child to be a quarterback, because if they are affable enough and have just enough of an arm,they can be in the NFL for 30 seasons.
The reason I bring all of this up is because starting quarterback Carson Wentz hasn’t survived an NFL season yet. Two years ago he tore his ACL. Last year he broke his back, and that isn’t being said as hyperbole. At running back,they have around 15 players vying for carries, including rookie Miles Sanders, Jordan Howard, and Darren “Oh My God, he’s still in the NFL” Sproles. Wide Receiver continues to be a massive blind spot for this team, as they have Alshon Jeffery for the 9 games he is healthy, and Nelson Agholor for the 5 games he remembers how to catch a pass. Zach Ertz is going to get 200 receptions this year and get nearly decapitated going up the middle when Nate Sudfeld overthrows him at least half a dozen times this year.
Is This Team Better Than Last Year: No, because their quarterback gets injured every year, and their backup plan is now the quarterback of the Jaguars.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: They are bringing back most of the team that made the divisional round last year, and if you can get there, you are definitely a contender.
Fantasy Player You Should Be Drafting: Alshon Jeffery, because they have to throw the ball to somebody.
Fantasy Player You Should Avoid Like the Plague: Jordan Howard. Everyone outside of Chicago can’t understand why the Bears would trade him for almost nothing. Everyone who had to watch him in Chicago fall after 2 yards the moment a defensive player touched him is pretty happy he is gone.
If This Team Was a Song: Shame on Me by Hillbilly Herald because I guarantee i’m going to live to regret thinking this team is gonna lose out on the division to the Cowboys.
Team: New York Giants
2018 Record: 5-11
My 2019 Predicted Record: 7-9
Preseason Power Ranking:
2019 Strength of Schedule: 27th Toughest Schedule
I can’t explain it, but I kind of want to bet on this team. Their schedule is very easy, and they really just need a few things to break their way that didn’t break their way last year. They lost 5 games last year by less than a touchdown. They weren’t getting blown out.
Oh, they traded their second best player and primary wide receiving playmaker to the Browns and got very little in return, then used their first round draft pick on a project quarterback who isn’t going to be ready to be the starter for at least a year even though there were other quarterbacks in the same draft who people are confident are ready to start week 1?
THAAAAAAAAAATS why I don’t like this team. Phew. I just had to talk my way through it.
Anyway, this team is still being quarterbacked by multiple Super Bowl championship winner and noted dullard Eli Manning. Saquon Barkley is still there to be all world at his position. Evan Engram continues to be tantalizing at tight end.That’s pretty much where it ends on the good side, though. Two of their three best receivers are guys who couldn’t cut it on the Denver Broncos. The guy who should be their best receiver is suspended because in the NFL, you can get suspended for taking baby making drugs. The guy who is their best receiver is no contending team’s definition of a number one receiver. Most of the players I’ve heard of are either washed up or bad.
Is This Team Better Than Last Year: No. But maybe? But definitely not. Honestly. I have no clue.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: No, and i’m gonna feel like an asshole for not betting on them when they do find a way to drag this bloated corpse of a team to the Super Bowl.
Fantasy Player You Should Be Drafting: Saquon Barkley, who is one of the two or three best players in football. You will regret getting too cute and not drafting him.
Fantasy Player You Should Avoid Like the Plague: Sterling Sheppard. Call me crazy, but I do not think that throwing the ball is going to be the strength of this team.
If This Team Was a Song: Don’t Look Back in Anger by Oasis, because this team cannot be so sentimental that they keep marching Eli Manning out there every year. He gave this team two Super Bowl victories, including one of the most improbably of all time when they beat the undefeated Patrtiots. Don’t look back in anger, but it’s time to move on.
Team: Washington Redskins
2018 Record: 7-9
My 2019 Predicted Record: 5-11
Preseason Power Ranking:
2019 Strength of Schedule: Easiest Schedule in NFL
There is some hope here, with young pieces at quarterback and running back. But honestly, who cares?Daniel Snyder, the owner of this team is a garbage human sewage system of a owner whose awfulness causes him to standout among the elite club of NFL owners, quite a few of whom are notoriously awful human beings.
If Snyder got pushed in front of a train, the world would be a better place for it, and as such, i’m not writing about this dumb team anymore.
Is This Team Better Than Last Year: Not until Dwayne Haskins gets a season under his belt.
Is This Team a Super Bowl Contender: Not unless 31 other teams fall into a black hole, from which there is no return. And even then, they wouldn’t be more than 7 point favorites.
Fantasy Player You Should Be Drafting: Derrius Guice. He is going to be the lead back by week 3, but he’s getting drafted very deep in most leagues right now.
Fantasy Player You Should Avoid Like the Plague: Adrian Peterson. The wheels are going to fall off this career eventually. He is staring into the abyss and the abyss is staring back.
If This Team Was a Song: The Idiots Are Taking Over by NOFX. No real deep meaning. This team is just run by idiots.
Fancy Boys Club 