This Article May Save Your Life Someday

Every station I flip through airs footage of the AmazonRainforest on fire. Animals running for shelter, environmentalists shoutingthat this is one resource we cannot afford to lose.

Drama Queen

‘The fools,’ I think to myself, as I set my cell phone downand spin in my desk chair. I look out the window before placing my hand on itlongingly, because I’m totally sad right now.

My boss walks by and asks if I’m getting my work done? I grab my office phone and pretend to make a call, hanging up as she walks away. Calls mean nothing. Emails, nothing. Can’t any of you see the real danger all around us?

I scoot back up to my desk, you know, all weird like when your office chair doesn’t roll very well? Like that. I read the article I’ve been thinking about all weekend. A woman in Missouri, or “Ground Zero”, as we’ll soon refer to it, went to the doctor thinking she had water in her ear. That naïve bitch. Of course, doctors pulled out a venomous brown recluse spider instead.

Sup, I’m Greg.

It’s begun, just as the prophecy foretold. My brow furrows, because I’m like, concerned. Which prophecy? THE Prophecy. The one that tells of a time when arachnids will rise up and overtake humanity as rulers of a little planet I like to call, “Earth”™.

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Ask any entomologist and they’ll tell you how useful spidersare, how they’re “good for the environment”. They kill “dangerous bugs, likemosquitoes”. They’re not “Satanic monsters”. But I know better.

Whoa, take it easy, Greg!

I look out my office window again, ignoring the Outlook calendar reminder of a meeting I was supposed to attend 15 minutes ago. He’s there, staring at me. He knows I know. Will I be the first to change? Will the process kill me?  

You smug sonofabitch

He knows I can’t open the window now, because he’s there and he’ll like, GET ME.  I fall to the floor, suddenly overtaken by a memory – I’m a child again, crying and pointing at the wall. My father laughs at my fear, saying, “They’re more afraid of you than you are of….dur de dur durrrr bepurrrr…. fart noise”.


I snap out of it. I wonder, ‘Did he know?’. As a single tear rolls down my cheek, I think, ‘I can’t ask him anymore’. He lives in Kankakee, that’s like, far. Plus he stopped taking my calls years ago.

None of you see it, but I must warn you regardless. I can’t just DO NOTHING, like I’m at work or some crap. You think that spider just wandered into her ear? COME ON MAN. It’s a brown recluse. They don’t wander anywhere. They’re deliberate. Purposeful. He wasn’t in her ear because it’s warm and safe. He was whispering to her, molding her mind to be used for evil. He was saying things like, “Vote republican”, or “Sean Lowe isn’t the best Bachelor”.

Who else could it be? Colton? FUCK YOU, 8 legged demons!

It won’t be long before they’ve overtaken us. To quote Gandalf the Grey, as he read from the book of Mazarbul, “They have taken the Bridge and the Second Hall. We have barred the gates, but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes… Drums. Drums in the deep. We cannot get out. A Shadow moves in the dark… We cannot get out… They are coming.”

“Hell to the naw!” – Tolkien

My point is, if you see a spider, don’t put it outside likesome kind of pussy – recognize OG evil and kill that motherfucker.

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