Goodnight, Sweet Taco Bell Prince

They say Icarus perished when he flew too close to the sun, and his wings melted. Or caught fire. Or he hit a goose. I’m not great with fables. Sorry Aesop. In many ways, Taco Bell is fast foot Icarus. Where many fast food companies dared not go, or at best toed the line (the Double Down never had crispy enough chicken, KFC!), Taco Bell spit in the face of common sense, and kicked food dignity in the balls.

One of their great innovations was the Dorito Locos Taco. For those of you blissfully unaware of fast food Frankenstein monsters, this was a taco dusted in whatever they dusted Doritos Nacho chips, and then stuffed with meat and cheese, and god help you, lettuce. Never content to rest on their glutinous laurels, they then released the Cool Ranch Dorito Locos Taco and the Fiery Doritos Locos Taco.

And let me tell you something, fine Fancy Boys, that they were spectacular. Drunk, sober, high, on Krokodil, it didn’t matter. Somewhere in Taco Bells test lab, which I assume looks like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, but somehow with more illegal labor, a level of genius came to light that would come to redefine the fast food game beyond the “in the box” thinking of other eateries. Remember when everyone thought the edgy thing to do was to put Sriracha on stuff, then Taco Bell barreled through the glass ceiling like the Kool Aid man with Tacos made out of delicious potato chips? We remember. And those memories might be all we have left.

It was announced on Thursday that, in an attempt to streamline their menu, they would be removing 12 items and sending them to fast food heaven. Most of the cuts were met by the human garbage can writing this with a shrug.

Beef Mini Quesadilla? I need to eat 8 of these to get full. Give me full size, or give me death.

Double Decker Taco? The problem is, they used refried beans to act as glue to keep everything together here, and I’m not sure If anyone has bothered to point this out, but Taco Bell’s refried beans are hot garbage. The main chemical used in Flex Seal is refried beans from Taco Bell.

Chipotle Chicken Loaded Griller-I could go on a full-on rant here over the use, overuse, and eventual burying of chipotle peppers, a wonderful delicious pepper. Every fast food joint had some kind of Chipotle sauce, which was a hint of chipotle in old mayo. Taco Bell was no different. Hey Chipotle Chicken Griller, be more like the Loaded Potato Griller.

Double Tostada-I actually have no idea what this is. Just mentally imaging it, I’m seeing two flat tortillas with taco stuff in between it. That’s a sandwich. Or a poorly made taco. Either way, get rid of it.

Power Menu Burrito-Again, I have no idea what this is. The hell is a power menu? Is it like the regular menu but more metal? Does this burrito have to listen to a couple Disturbed songs before being served to you? This failed because it was named stupidly. It could be the best tasting thing in the world, and nobody would eat it, because nobody is saying “I’ll take a Power Menu Burrito” into the drive through talk box.

XXL Grilled Stuft Burrito-Taco Bell doesn’t own any grills in their damn restaurants. What is grilled in this? I wouldn’t buy this unless I knew for damn sure some pimply faced teen was going to begrudgingly walk outside next to the outdoor menu, start a grill, and have to grill whatever the hell is going into this burrito. Oh, it’s XXL, well then, I’ll make sure to rent a forklift so as this food stuff doesn’t do too much damage to the shocks on my car.

But buried at the bottom of the announcement, my heart broke like a Waterford Crystal Vase being thrown off a highway overpass. Taco Bell announced they were getting rid of the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco and the Fiery Doritos Locos Taco. This couldn’t be happening. This isn’t happening. This isn’t the life I want to live, if I can’t enjoy these tacos while blisteringly drunk on a Thursday. Taco Bell is removing a part of my heart, my soul, my innocence. Baja Blast Mountain Dew just won’t taste as Baha-y without Doritos dust caking the inside of my throat.

I’m not sure I can go on living in a world without these tacos in my life. It’s like removing a family member, cruelly and efficiently. And not even a family member I don’t like either. One of the good ones. I’m on the verge of getting into my shower and having a full on “Crying Game” moment. Processing these thoughts escape me like the summer wind escapes to give way to the cruel bitch that is winter.

Things will never be the same again. Damn you Taco Bell. Damn you to hell!

And now. A song.

Goodbye Doritos Locos
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to be delicious
When alcohol made me crawl
They crawled out of the taco lab
And they whispered into your brain
you are gonna eat this fatty
And they made you two more varieties

And it seems to me you went through my life
Like a taco in the wind
Never knowing which one to eat
When the drunk set in
And I would have liked to eat you
Even after I have a kid
Your popularity burned out long before
Your legend ever did

Fast food business is was tough
The toughest role you ever played
Was you refused to go beyond
Or to fuck with the impossible
Even when you died
Oh the press still hounded you
All the papers had to say
Taco Bell was unhealthy for you and me

And it seems to me you went through my life
Like a taco in the wind
Never knowing which one to eat
When the drunk set in
And I would have liked to eat you 
Even after I have a kid
Your popularity burned out long before
Your legend ever did

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