(AUTHOR/EDITOR’S NOTE: The views in this piece are mine and mine alone. My political opinions, though I believe them to be right and true and the only pure form of light in this insane political climate, do not reflect The Fancy Boys Club or the other writers for the site.

UPDATE: This piece was written on Thursday to be released today. Earlier this morning, Joe Walsh announced on ABC that he would officially be running for President.)

You have to believe me, I wanted to start out nice.

When I decided to help this site come to life, I was envisioning a friendly place with happy discussion and writers passionate about their topics. I expected my own little Garden of Eden, a place where I could go when I was seeking emotional solace.

I’m currently a few hundred words into an essay about how much I loved the ending to Quentin Tarantino’s new film. All of my inner peace changed when I woke up Thursday morning to a Mediaite article saying Joe Walsh was planning a presidential run. And, just like that, my inner peace evaporated. Because Joe Walsh is a trashdick. He HAS a trashdick. 

And it’s important to me that you know that.

Stop Making Eagles Jokes

When people hear about former Congressman Joe Walsh, 100% of the time, they will make a joke about the guitarist of the same name. I have never met someone who hasn’t done this. Jokes about The Eagles are unbeaten and untied.

I’m okay with this, but not because of the comedic value. The reason I will always smirk when I hear these jokes is because I hold equal amounts of vitriol for both of these clowns: The Eagles are the worst band in the history of music, and the former politician/current radio host is one of the worst people who has ever lived.

I find it hard to believe that this is some sort of cosmic coincidence; my hatred in these two things might be the reason I believe in a higher power. Jesus died for the sins of Joe Walsh. And there are many, many sins to mention.

So… who is Joe Walsh?

But First, I Needed Help Writing This

Before I answer that question (which I know will drive me into a rage), I feel the need to give some accidental research credit for this article.

Last week, I drove to Chicago to appear as a guest on the Knowledge Fight podcast. Knowledge Fight is a podcast where Dan Friesen and Jordan Holmes go through current (and past) episodes of Infowars and clown on Alex Jones. It’s a great podcast that I would recommend to everyone.

They’ve figured out how to make the balance work: Dan comes in with facts and figures disproving most of what Jones spurts out of his horrible, blistering hate-hole, and then Jordan responds by screaming with rage, and that makes sense because it’s what we’re all feeling.

Jordan was away on vacation, so I was excited when Dan asked me to come to his apartment and sit in on an episode. I was less excited when traffic from the Air & Water show made my commute a little more difficult. And I was WAY LESS EXCITED when Dan had prepared a whole episode about Joe Walsh, whom I have had a tenuous relationship with (more on that later).

Friesen found a 2016 (post-primary, pre-election) speech that Walsh had given at Turning Point USA’s “Young Leadership Summit”, a conference intended for women between the ages of 13 through 25. I find it important to mention the ages of the women because Walsh gets REAL creepy with them through most of the speech.

As he describes these women, “beautiful” and “gorgeous” are often words that come up, way more often than words like “smart”, “passionate”, or “politically motivated”, which should tell you a few things about how Walsh feels about women. He even flirts with a few women, asking two of them to be his girlfriend (jokingly, but still creepy because THERE ARE TEENAGE GIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE).

And the content of his speech is typical Walsh: lots of anti-LGBT talk, rants about how the government is too big, and a lot about how great of a Congressman he was.

Knowledge Fight only works because Friesen does research to a psychotically obsessive level, and as he turned his sights on Joe Walsh, he uncovered things that I didn’t know, and I’ve been hating Walsh for around a half-decade. I’ll be using a lot of what I learned as I write this, and I felt it would have been unfair not to credit Friesen and Knowledge Fight.

(In an unfortunate post-script to this story, Dan experienced technical problems with his computer while editing the episode I was on and was not able to release it. At least, that is what he says… knowing Alex Jones, I’m choosing to blame shady globalists. The truth is out there.)

Who is Joe Walsh?

Ok, let’s get into it… who is Joe Walsh? Here’s a bit of a primer for the uninitiated:

Joe Walsh is a 57-year old piece of human garbage who had one term in congress and now hosts a syndicated radio show based out of Chicago’s 560 AM (WIND) studios. He got elected to Congress in 2010 as part of the wave of Tea Party candidates, and lost his 2012 re-election bid as part of the wave of people in Illinois realizing that Tea Party candidates were a bunch of stupid ass-clowns.

In 2013, Walsh began his radio show on WIND, and the show has grown impressively since then (if his website is accurate, he is currently on over 60 stations). What kinds of things does Walsh talk about on his two-hour show every day? I think the best way to answer that is to look and why he’s gotten in trouble, because the two go pretty much hand in hand.

In 2014, he was taken off the air for using a racist term (yes, the one you’re thinking of). In July of 2016, Walsh was suspended by Twitter when he wrote, “This is now war. Watch out Obama. Watch out Black Lives Matter punks. Real America is coming after you.” (He was reinstated when he removed the tweet.)

There are so many other things, but I think you get my point. Just know that Walsh makes a living by saying things incendiary and controversial so he can then go on television and explain what he REALLY meant and how the liberal media took him out of context.

“Joe Walsh is a trashdick.” – Matt Drufke, literally millions of times

Fortunately, Walsh is also a terrible dude, which means there are absolutely zero fucking reasons to give this trashdick the benefit of the doubt. In 2011, The Chicago Sun-Times reported that Walsh was being sued by his ex-wife for over $110,000 in back child support. Allegedly, Walsh told his ex-wife that he did not have the money because he was out of work. I’ve always found “out of work” an interesting expression to use for someone WHO HAS A JOB AS A CONGRESSMAN, but maybe that’s just me.

Now, to be fair to all parties, I feel the need to point out two facts. The first is that Walsh’s ex would make statements in 2013 saying that the issue was resolved and that Joe was not a “deadbeat dad”. The second fact is that statement was made after a 2012 court settlement on the matter and I would bet any amount of money that her statement was part of that settlement. How much money would I bet? At the very minimum, the $117,000 Walsh failed to pay in child support.

I feel like I should end this story on a positive note, so I will point out that Walsh is the reason that a 2012 bill was proposed in Illinois which would have prohibited anyone owing more than $10,000 in child support to run for office. Had that bill passed, at least Joe would have been responsible for the inspiration of at least one good thing. Sadly, that didn’t come to pass. I know I said I wanted to end this on a positive note, but what can I say?

I should also point out that in 2013, before he got his radio show, he filed a petition to terminate child support on the grounds that he didn’t have a job. Good old Joe.

Joe Walsh Ruins Everything

There are also a lot of other stories involving Joe that, at this point, are just to be expected. He was sued by people on his campaign for not paying them. He lost his driving privileges in 2011 for letting his insurance lapse too often. He got his condo foreclosed.

And I, ordinarily, would not be one to attack someone for having financial issues. At one point in the not too recent past, my credit score was just a picture of the Monopoly man hanging himself. But Joe continues to attack people needing government assistance, and it sounds like he could have really used some help from the government during these tough times. Walsh bragged that he often slept in his office while in Congress, and I seems like that’s probably because he couldn’t afford an apartment.

If Joe couldn’t keep a living wage as a politician, shouldn’t he have realized how hard it is for your average blue-collar worker?

Ok, so that was then… what about now? Well, Joe has come to a particular prominence in certain circles as being one of the conservatives who is also a frequent critic of President Trump. In that 2016 speech Walsh gave at Turning Point, he basically told the women that while he thinks Trump is a clown, that they had to vote for him because the alternative was much, much worse.

People who want to give Walsh credit point out his repeated defense of Robert Mueller, his criticism of cabinet appointments who have ties to big business, his attacks on how close Trump appears to be with Putin, and his admission in Russian interference in the 2016 election.

And that takes us up to this month. On August 14th, Walsh wrote an op-ed for The New York Times, a paper which seems to give a lot of people the justification for being fascist despite the GOP deeming it the news of the liberal elite. In his piece, he refers to Trump as a “racial arsonist” and pleads for the GOP to find someone to challenge him in the primaries.

I saw the writing on the wall long before this, but when I read Walsh’s op-ed, I knew it was only a matter of time before he stuck his hat in the ring. And here we are.

Trashdick & Me

If it seems like I’m hyper-sensitive to Joe Walsh, it’s because I am. Your keen perception has not failed you. Joe came onto my radar in 2014, and I found myself locked in as I hate every fucking word which comes out of his stupid fucking mouth. He’s a dick. He’s trash.

So, it just made perfect sense to me to call him a “trashdick”. But that wasn’t enough for me. I couldn’t just say, “Joe Walsh is a trashdick.” I needed to give him that personal attribute. I imagine Joe having genitals which are, literally, made of garbage. It is the source of his power.

So, I went from, “Joe Walsh is a trashdick” to, “Joe Walsh has a trashdick”. If you look up #JoeWalshHasATrashdick on twitter, you’ll see (way too) many tweets by me and by people who follow me.

And I know you’re asking, “Why this guy? He’s small potatoes compared to some of the other conservative wonks on television and radio.” You’re right. Here are the two things that made me decide to go after Walsh the way I do.

On November 20, 2013, Illinois legalized same-sex marriage. That night, Walsh went on his radio show with thoughts about this. I’m unable to find archives of his show that go back this far, so I’m having to do a lot of this from memory. Walsh was upset about this, and fell into the standard homophobic tropes that so many bigots do.

To Walsh, marriage was under attack, and if we let gays and lesbians get married, what would be next? Would the liberals demand that people should legally marry children? What about animals? This is against the biblical definition of the institution of marriage (clearly, Joe has not seen what the bible says about divorce, as he is on his second wife).

I began tweeting at Joe almost immediately that night, calling him a homophobe. Joe repeatedly tried to defend himself on-air, saying he was just against the passing of the same-sex marriage bill and that he wasn’t homophobic, only to go back to likening members of the LGBT commumity to pedophilies and people who practice beastiality.

I’ll admit that this issue is something I have always found particularly important: I have family and many friends in the LGBT community, and I’ll be goddamned if someone will attack them in any way.

For the second incident, we need to go to 2015. I don’t know if that was the first time Joe Walsh ever referred to then President Barack Obama as a secret Muslim, but it was the first time I had noticed it.

I pointed it out on twitter, to which Joe graciously retweeted me with the response, “Thanks for listening Matt.” That’s frustrating for a number of reasons, the least of which is that Joe cared enough to use a period, but not a comma before my name. Either use the right punctuation or none at all, you fucking jag.

Joe Walsh’s Islamophobia has a long and storied history, all of which will guarantee his place in Hell after he dies. Him calling Barack Obama a Muslim is particularly evil, because it accomplishes three goals.

First, it allows him to call President Obama (a devout Christian) a liar. Second, it allows to reiterate his point that Muslims are bad (because he will only bring this up after some sort of terror attack; he has, repeatedly, called Islam a religion of violence that needs massive change). And finally, it allows him to tie together two things he hates: Obama and Islam.

Kudos to you, Joe. You hit the hat trick of bigotry and ignorance, you fucking trashdick.

Calls to a Trashdick

(The Joe Walsh Radio show)

JOE: Let me go to… uh, Mike. Hey, Mike, you’re on with Joe Walsh.

MIKE: Hey, Joe. I think of… (stammering)… politicians, you and it’s just acquiescence, right?

JOE: Yes.

MIKE: Everybody’s giving in.

JOE: Yup.

MIKE: Here’s my point: In my heart of hearts, if I’m a Christian or if someone professes to be a Christian or a Buddhist or a Jew, you know there will not be any mass terror.

JOE: Yes.

MIKE: If you tell me that you’re Islam, in my heart of hearts, I won’t know until it’s too late. I wanna believe you, but I just don’t know.

JOE: It’s hard, Mike, for me to disagree with what you just said. Um, thank you, my friend. Because of the evidence again. Look every year around the world, man, it’s… you don’t have… we don’t have an epidemic of Christians blowing people up and beheading people in the name of Christianity, you just don’t. Again, I’ll say this: there’s only one major religion in the world that you can say what I’m about to say what: every day, somewhere around the world, a Muslim is killing an innocent person in the name of Islam. Every single day. Somewhere in the world. You can’t say that about any other major religion. I don’t know another group you can say that about. Islam has never had it’s reformation, ok? And they need to.

March 11, 2019, 4 days before the shooting in Christchurch, New Zealand. Also, Joe’s entire last diatribe was bullshit and devoid of facts. Also, Mike is basically saying you have to stop your Muslim neighbors “before it’s too late”. 

Joe Walsh has a trashdick.

A Non-Apology Apology

In his op ed in the Times, Walsh wrote this:

“In Mr. Trump, I see the worst and ugliest iteration of views I expressed for the better part of a decade. To be sure, I’ve had my share of controversy. On more than one occasion, I questioned Mr. Obama’s truthfulness about his religion. At times, I expressed hate for my political opponents. We now see where this can lead. There’s no place in our politics for personal attacks like that, and I regret making them.”

Let’s break that down.

The first thing that needs to be pointed out is that this is not an apology. You’ll notice that you don’t see the words “apologize” or “sorry” anywhere. I’m not saying that those are words you 100% need when expressing you’ve done something wrong, but they don’t fucking hurt. He deserves the smallest amount of credit for understanding the parallel between him and President Trump, but one paragraph hardly undoes the damage that six years of hate radio has done (not to mention the years of being in the public eye before that).

Joe came onto my radar in 2014, and I found myself locked in as I hate every fucking word which comes out of his stupid fucking mouth. He’s a dick. He’s trash.

The other thing we need to ask is: Do we believe Walsh is sincere with this paragraph? If you’ve gotten almost three thousand words into this essay, I think you know how I’m going to answer that.

If you only had Walsh on your radar for the last few years, you would think that he was a hard-line conservative on many issues, specifically gun control (Walsh once said, “The second amendment is the most important amendment. It protects all the other amendments”) and abortion (in a 2012 interview, Walsh said he is against all abortion, even in cases of rape, incest, and concern for the mother’s safety). So, would you be surprised to know that Walsh had tried to run for Congress in 1996 as a pro-choice moderate conservative who supported the Brady Bill?

My hope is that you wouldn’t. He’s a liar. And a trashdick.

Can Walsh Win?

So, does a Walsh presidential campaign have any hope of being successful? 

No.

President Trump still holds a 79 percent approval rating among Republicans (AP). While 40 percent of Republicans polled said they would consider wanting to see a primary challenger, that is a wildly hypothetical statement. Sure, if Reagan’s ghost was running they might accept that, but Walsh? I doubt it. 

Also, the hate towards his political opponents that Walsh talked about? Trump fucking owns that. I doubt that if Joe enters there would even be televised debates. But, the moment Walsh shows up on Trump’s radar, he is going to be the center target of aggressive attacks that he has never seen before. I’m not sure Joe can handle it.

Honestly, I don’t take any of this seriously. Joe saying he is going to challenge Trump seems no different then when he said Islam was responsible for 97% of terrorist attacks (not true) or when he said that if Trump lost the 2016 election he was going to grab his musket (not true and also stupid) or when he would say, repeatedly that Barack Obama was not his president (not true and stupid and also confusing… who was his president between 2009-2017?)

To me, this is Walsh’s way of getting some headlines. Because headlines help his radio numbers. Headlines could lead to a tv show. Headlines could lead to another run for political office a few years from now. Walsh needs headlines the way his ex-wife needed him to pay his fucking child support. And they mean more to him than his principles.

Joe Walsh has a fucking trashdick. It’s important to remember that.