The USFL Report: What? Yep.

Hey kids, remember a couple years back when the XFL had their inaugural season derailed by the pandemic (allegedly) and then the whole league disappeared like a fart in the wind?

Good times.

Well, we here at Fancy Boys Club HQ feel as if by writing about the XFL, were an integral part of the league taking a swan dive right into an empty swimming pool. Now we are out to do it again.

Welcome to the USFL Report.

The USFL? Now hold on just a second there fella, wasn’t that the league that Donald Trump was a part of and didn’t it, like a vast majority of his enterprises, go into the crapper? And was it about 40 years ago, too? Yep. They had three seasons from 1983-1985. For the 1986 season “they” planned on moving the league from the summer to compete directly with the NFL. None of us are privy to any audio of their board of directors meeting before the 1986 season, but I think the conversation probably went like this:
Owner A: Let’s not play in the summer anymore. Too hot.
Owner B: Spring?
Owner A: No, fall.
Owner C: So you want to compete directly with the NFL?
Owner A: Yes.
Owner B: I’m out.
Owner C: Out.
Owner D: Out.

Owners E, F, G and H in a tenor-style chorus: OUT!

And BTW, Owner A was New Jersey Generals owner Donald Trump.

Right after this alleged meeting of which we have no audio, the USFL folded faster than a Japanese kid doing origami.

The Birmingham Stallions looks like a bad marriage between the Denver Broncos and the Florida State Seminoles

Now, the USFL is back baby with a new range of fat cats ready to bankroll the new USFL and probably take the tax write-off they have been dreaming about. Not only has the USFL has a Phoenix-like rise (without fighting for water rights just to create a city way too large to exist in a desert), but they have also taken the original names of the franchises.

There are eight teams in two divisions: The New Jersey Generals, Birmingham Stallions; Houston Gamblers; Michigan Panthers; Philadelphia Stars; New Orleans Breakers; Tampa Bay Bandits; and the Pittsburgh Maulers.

Before we get to the team evaluation portion, let’s look at some of the unique rules the USFL will be playing under.

Continue reading “The USFL Report: What? Yep.”