Look, if you’re trapped in the capitalist hellscape that is the US, you’re a conscript in the war against Christmas, whichever side you fall on. I mean, Christmas won, it’s fucking everywhere. It’s inescapable. Our borders are contained within Santa’s vast panopticon whether we like it or not. Because this is THE capitalist holiday. This is the grand devotional, our wallets made sacrifice to prove our love to each other.
Even if you just celebrate “the holidays”, the holiday party you’re at is gonna play Christmas music. Because, well, there’s just a fucking lot of it. And more every year. And worst- a lot of it fucking sucks.
But not all of it. So if you find yourself in control of the tunes and you want to make the most of the theme, I offer you this fine tuned playlist to keep things interesting
Funky Christmas by Too Many Zooz and Big Freedia
Look, every party needs to start hype, and nothing is as hype as Big Freedia’s “whooooaaaaaa” over some funky horns. And right out the gate if black and queer folk aren’t welcome at your party, your party’s trash, so we’re just setting that tone early.
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen by Dio and more
Maybe someone at the party digs the more traditional tunes, well this one dates back to the 1600s, so there’s that covered. And while Dio’s vocal doesn’t make this atheist a believer, I would watch a big CGI spectacle movie of a battle that looked half as epic as Dio makes bringing tidings of comfort and joy in defiance of Satan sound.
The Little Drummer Boy by Christopher Lee
Keeping it both traditional and metal, Christopher Lee comes booming in with this chugging version of a song that sounds more like a pledge of fealty to a warlord on a field of battle, than some band kid talking to a fucking baby.
Christmas Wrapping by Kylie Minogue w/ Iggy Pop
Perhaps at this point the vibe has been a bit terrifying for some. It’s time to brighten things up a bit with some delightful pop from Kylie and… Iggy? While this starts like the kind of Christmas tune that could play over a Target commercial, the deeper the track gets into it’s 5min runtime, the more unsettling the song gets, weird repetitions, frantic tempos, and Iggy Pop. Fucking Iggy Pop. How’re the vibes in the party now?
Must Be Santa by Bob Dylan
Oh shit it’s Bob Dylan! What the fuck is he doing here? Why is this song like a panic attack? Why is this happening? Why the fuck is he listing the names of presidents? Is this political?
White Christmas by Bad Religion
Is THIS political?!? It’s Bad Religion doing their best Ramones doing “White Christmas”, but it’s still Bad Religion.
No Gifts for Nazis by Alice Bag
Ok, now THIS is definitely political.
Fuck Nazis plain and simple.
At this point in the party anyone who sucks politically has been scared off. Who invited them anyway?
Christmas Christmas by Mojo Nixon
So now it’s a party, it’s in full swing, everyone’s having a blast, it’s downright bacchanalian in this shindig, so how about a raucous sing along of “Christmas Christmas” to the tune of “Louie Louie” by the Kingsman? “Louie Louie” is so good the FBI opened a file on it. Wait, is THIS political too?!? Spoiler alert, everything’s political.
Zombie Claus by Psychostick
Except this. This is a parody of Rob Zombie’s “Dragula” that’s about Santa Claus. But also now everyone is partying like it’s 1999, but in a nü metal way, not like a Prince kinda way.
Naughty Christmas by Lacuna Coil
Speaking of nü metal, Italy’s Lacuna Coil brings some throwback vibes to this track about Krampus. There’re a lot of lines about Krampus snatching naughty children, but I don’t expect anyone to be paying that much attention. We’re coming off the not-Zombie track and continuing the vibe of a truck stop strip club where are the dancers are heavily pierced and tattooed. Why?
Christmas Island by Depeche Mode
It’s finally time for the reason for the season! Let the foreboding pulse of dark 80s synth pop provide the soundtrack to the big queer anarchist BDSM orgy! Bring out the “furniture”, open the cabinet of toys, put on your best Christmas kinkwear- I opt for a faux leather cross harness and a Santa hat (call me a traditionalist, I don’t care).
Carol of the Bells by MXMS
Next we keep the mood dark and sexy with my favorite version of “Carol of the Bells” (sorry Trans-Siberian Orchestra, I just don’t love you like that). The moment such deliciously sacrilegious lyrics as “I hang from a tree like the son of god” are uttered and everyone climaxes in deliciously vile revelry, biting their thumbs at the “sanctity” of the holiday, you know it’s been a successful party!
Back Door Santa by Clarence Carter
It’s time to clean up, laugh a bit about the absurdity of hosing down rubber sheets in the middle of winter, and exchange a few knowing winks while wiping things down like they were gym equipment. As the opening drums/sleigh bells/horns kick in on this track someone says “wait, is that the sample from Run DMC’s ‘Christmas in Hollis’?”
“Why yes it is.”
“Sweet.”
And so with good conversation having made the clean up go faster finally it’s time for everyone to say goodnight.
Last Christmas by The Guidance
But first enjoy this cover of Wham’s “Last Christmas” by The Guidance (rip Stefan Pruett)
Because no one escapes Whamaggeddon!!!
No one.
Riki MJ Adams is a musician and FBC contributor
Fancy Boys Club 