Jack Baker is, by all accounts, a very successful local comedian. He is the main editor on this very site, has a Youtube special, and this weekend, he will be headlining the Comedy Vault in Batavia on July 6th at 7 pm. Buy Your Tickets Here. To help drum up interest in his set, he was tasked with going on WGN Morning News on Wednesday to talk about his special, his life, and ostensibly, his lifelong war against milk.
This is a big deal for any comic. But as any comic worth his weight in cheap liquor knows, we are also a very vindictive bunch who doesn’t want to see anyone else succeed! With that in mind, let’s take a look at Jack Baker’s WGN Morning News appearance and go over every bit, then rank them at the end!
Read more: Jack Baker’s Best Moments on the WGN Morning Show, Ranked
I’m going to be honest, I set my DVR to record starting at 9am, knowing Jack would be on during the hour. But what did I miss and how do I ever feel this level of anticipation again? They are talking about ancient toothpicks, apparently being curated by the guy who tutored me in High School math 25 years ago. One toothpick that is ancient being shown here is made of bronze. And here we are, using tiny pieces of wood like a bunch of rubes…
Another preview! This is what will be going on during the 9am hour. As you can obviously see, we will be learning how to make an absolutely delicious watermelon feta salad with, and just a guess here, mint and/or basil. “Plus, he’s been making them laugh in Chicago for more than a decade and has a hit special on Youtube. Comedian Jack Baker’s in studio.” As for “The List” today, it’s things we need to delete from children’s birthdays. Watermelon salad? Kids birthday grievances?? How is Jack gonna top that???
Say what you will about the mindless banter of the morning news show, but they are giving Jack the best lead in possible. He got the weather forecast! With the seven day!! That’s like having Patrick Mahomes as your quarterback or batting after Hank Aaron in the lineup. It does not get much better for a lead in than this! Jack had better bring it this morning.
“A regular at the Comedy Vault, CJ’s, and the Improv, Jack Baker has been delighting audiences for 13 years and sharing the stage with such comedic powerhouses at Bobcat Goldwaith and Dana Gould.” “His comedy special, Jack Baker’s Disease has nearly 70k views on Youtube.”
Ok, so there is a huge miss out of the gate. For one thing, he might have opened for those comedians, but how dare WGN not mention all the times he open mic’ed with Faizan Hussein and that guy who would show up to the Comedy Shrine dressed at Macho Man Randy Savage. At least put some respect on his name, for godsake WGN.
Also, I guarantee they said “nearly 70k views on Youtube” because it’s WGN, and they aren’t allowed to say the number 69.
This is the first view we get of Jack with the co anchors. Jack looks engaged and ready to talk! But look at the desk jockeys interviewing him! Not a single one making eye contact! Either they are reading off cue cards to create what is sure to be playful banter, or like many of us, they are avoiding making eye contact because he just bombed. Let’s see how this plays out.
BTW, nice “journalism degree” drop Jack. We get it, you are better at this than us.
Here is Jack, just riffing on the difference between morning people and night people. He is a self-professed morning person. I’m writing this at 10am, and i’m miserable to be awake. How do morning people get the confidence to face the day. I’ve seen myself in the mirror. I know I look better in the soft shades of the evening moon. Also, it took me so damn long to screen shot this exact moment I wanted to use, because he looks like a child who just saw the Lucky Charms leprechaun and is excited for the marshmallowy treats forthcoming.
Good news, Jack has won the crowd (anchors) over in the first minute and they are now engaging with him. Lourdes Duarte seems downright taken by him! And how can you not, with that little tuft of chest hair popping out of his undershirt. Mark Suppelsa (I think((i’m not backtracking to find out))) has his chair pivoted and everything. Jack has very obviously won his crowd over with his Northern Illinois University humor and a story about getting an award from Shemar Moore (I’m not rewinding to see who he actually said) from their journalism school. Jack was made for this. He should be hosting an hour of WGN Morning News everyday. He can be in the bullpen, acting as a relief pitcher everyday for whenever Mark or Lourdes just don’t have their A game that day.
This is the exact moment on Jack’s face when Mark Suppelsa said “Jack Baker, now, your name isn’t very funny.” He then proceeds to ask if a Hollywood agent has ever tried to get him to change it to Lenny or something. So without even watching another moment, I can tell that Jack is mortified but trying to roll with it, and Mark has a Lenny Bruce biography on his mind, because I guarantee he wasn’t thinking of comedian and Dennis Miller hanger-on Lenny Clarke. Let’s see how Jack squirms out of this one.
Mark Suppelsa has backtracked and said that “Jack Baker” sounds like a strong. Jack seems pleased by this, and is looking at Lourdes Duarte for her approval of him as an action star. Lourdes demurs, but deep down, her attraction is bursting through. The chemistry! WGN Morning News with Lourdes Duarte and Jack Duarte. I smell a Local Cable Ace Award in their future.
Mark Suppelsa: “So tell us about Batavia. So many wonderful things.”
Mark Suppelsa has never been to Batavia. He just described Batavia the same way I sarcastically describe Rockford. Jack is a true pro, though, he is able to flip it into Warrenville, where he grew up. “One day I hope to make it to Geneva” Jack drops into conversation. Can I suggest Bien Trucha while you are there?
Two things are happening in this screenshot. One, Lourdes Duarte-Baker is lobbing a softball up to Jack so he can banter about his allergy. Two, Mark Suppelsa looks like he is being morning show cucked in real time. Look at the calm, confident look on Jack’s face. He knows exactly how he is going to answer this question. He has been working this bit for a decade. From the Shrine to the basement of Moe Joes. This is the bit that will cost Mark Suppelsa his job. He will step down, knowing he has been bested by a better man. A funnier man. a younger, more virile man, because Jack is about to talk about milk.
YOU CAN CUT THE SEXUAL TENSION WITH THE KNIFE! Jack had barely gotten 15 seconds of his panty dropper bit in before Suppelsa cut him off at the knees and starts the lead out. You can see the look on Jack’s face. He knew he had a solid two more minutes. He knew this was his chance. For years, we have been calling him the “Next Pat Tomasulo.” He was going to prove it today. But like an old lion spurning a younger pups advances towards his kingdom, he starts talking about Jack’s shows at the Comedy Vault this weekend.
Go see him live on Saturday!! Maybe Lourdes Duarte will be there. Back of the room so as to not attract a crowd. But she knows why. We know why. The pure, uncompromised sexual magic that is a Jack Baker headlining set.
So I’m not going to put in the effort to upload video of the interview, but if you want to hear true hatred, listen to Mark Suppelsa transition out of Jack Baker’s spot. It sounds like a prison guard taking someone to the electric chair. Just grizzled, stilted, emotionless. Jack gave you magic, you sonuvabitch, and that’s how you outtro him!?!?
Anyway, let’s rank Jack’s spots.
10: Mark Suppelsa getting out of the segment with true hatred in his words and heart.
9: The milk bit. LET HIM COOK, WGN! THAT’S HIS SIGNATURE BIT!
8: Hearing the words “luminaries,” “Dana Gould,” and “Bobcat Goldwaith” in the same sentence.
7: Jack’s casually peaking over chest hair.
6: Jack casually dropping his journalism degree into the conversation.
5: Jack taking 20 seconds to sell the viewing audience on Batavia while knocking Warrenville down to size.
4: Jack being forced to contemplate changing his name to Lenny Baker.
3: The sexual tension
2: Jack being on national(sorta) tv and never mentioning Matt Drufke, which must have killed Matt on the inside. Good luck next time you wanna do Still Not Friday now, Jack!
1: The watermelon feta salad. It was mint that they put in there! It turns out this was a recipe given to them by Eva Longoria. Yes, THE Eva Longoria.
Fancy Boys Club 