There’s a dry-erase calendar hanging up behind me as I begin to write this. It mostly displays my work schedule and reminders of an occasional virtual D&D session. I bought it a couple years ago because I thought having a physical calendar would give me one less thing to rely on my phone for, as if my eyes being constantly glued to a screen would be a calendar’s fault and not the dark, endless ocean of internet garbage. Right now, however, as I write these very words, there’s something different written at the bottom of the calendar: “Days Left: 26”.
I chuckled to myself this morning at how vague it would look to an onlooker, and I laughed even harder knowing that a realtor would be showing my apartment to potential new tenants this afternoon. I considered planting ominous objects near the calendar to further the mystery. Mostly, I contemplated the large dive knife in a shoebox on my closet shelf, as purchasing a spool of rope would perhaps be a bit extravagant and in poor taste. All sight gags aside, the event the countdown represents is not even close to sinister, but it represents one of the most significant events I’ll ever experience; I’m leaving the only area I’ve ever known my whole life to move across the country.
Continue reading “One Dipped Beef to Go”
As Frodo Baggins awoke in an unfamiliar bed, the bright and comforting sunlight of Minas Tirith greeting him with warm cheek kisses, his eyes made out the silhouette of a friendly figure. Gandalf the White stood before him, beaming with relief to see the young Halfling up and finally home safely from his burdonous quest. Bounding in from the adjacent terrace came Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took, leaping onto the bed and jumping with glee to see their dear friend alive. Next came Gimli, Legolas, and Aragorn, three of Middle Earth’s mightiest warriors who laid their lives on the line to ensure Frodo’s success, awashed with relief to see that the sacrifices of many brave men and women did not go in vain. Finally, enter Samwise Gamgee, Frodo’s dearest friend, savior, and perhaps the greatest hero of this epic tale. The two simply exchange a smile and a nod, knowing that the many Hells they faced together made their bond even stronger. They left a home they didn’t want to leave for parts unknown, met copious amounts of peril with tremendous courage the likes of which had never been seen from their kind, and saved an entire realm from a seemingly unstoppable evil. They survived a quest that was meant to be their end.
Now imagine, after all that, Frodo reached into his pocket and found another One Ring. I bet he’d be pretty fucking miffed about it.
Continue reading “There and Back Again and Oh, Damn It: A Journey Already Once Taken”
The first week of October is a very special time of year for guys like me. Our flannel button-ups shed their dust and see the light of day once more, kegs of the dark beers we yearned for through the hard seltzer summer are finally being tapped, and we all get real fucking stoked to bust out our crockpot soup recipes. Most significantly, though, the ol’ seasonal depression rears its ugly head: that’s right, baby, it’s sad boy season!
Continue reading “The Menzingers’ “Hello Exile”: An Ode to a Sad Boy Weekend”
The 2019-2020 NFL football season is upon us. Though my interest in American football expeditiously faded after only receiving a portion of my entitled winnings from a fantasy championship win, due to a lack of performance in a dual-commissioned league (if I ever see your cousin again, I’ll break his fucking legs, Phil.), I still find myself adjacent to the cherished traditions practiced across the nation that tickle the senses; The smell of sweaty, encased meats on a Weber grill at a tailgate, the vivid cornucopia of colors of the vast variety of jerseys, and as of the last few Thanksgivings, the piercing squawk of a dipshit aunt spouting her thoughts on the National Anthem.
Continue reading “5 Songs That Could Replace The Star-Spangled Banner”