Are you a Bears fan? Hell yea, life is a never ending school bus crash! The driver? The quarterback position. The passengers? The souls of us fans! It’s that bleak, and it’s not getting better! Let’s get to the power rankings!
1: Los Angeles Rams
Matthew Stafford is having a full on “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” moment in LA. Imagine spending twelve years in purgatory (Detroit) and finally getting a chance to see the sun shine brightly. By sun, I of course mean Cooper Kupp.
2: Arizona Cardinals
There is a 100000% chance the Cardinals completely no-showed the first half of that game, only to realize that there was a football game going on that day, and then they went ahead and beat the piss out of a semi-professional football team in the second half.
3: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
On Saturday, before work, I went to Mr. Submarine. I bought a few extra sandwiches for myself. As i’m writing this at 11pm on Monday, I’ve got one sandwich left. I’m going to finish this up, and then eat it while watching reruns of King of the Hill. This has absolutely nothing to do with the Bucs, and that is totally fine. The Bucs will be there at the end of the season. Not worth stressing.
4: Buffalo Bills
Now THIS is the team I was expecting when I hemorrhaged a bunch of my bankroll betting on things like Josh Allen winning the MVP and the Bills winning the Super Bowl.
5: Cleveland Browns
The defense looked good on Sunday, but then again, a team composed exclusively of everyone who has written for this website over the past month would get five sacks against the pathetic ass Bears offensive line.
6: Green Bay Packers
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Aaron Rodgers is officially committed to the season.
7: Baltimore Ravens
The Ravens can’t pull this off every week. Or maybe they can. Who knows. Either way, they have made some of the most interesting football on the season so far. If they can keep this up, it’s going to really come in handy around week 9 when everything else sucks.
8: San Francisco 49ers
It’s weird to think that this team is an absolute contender for the Super Bowl this season, but still is only the third best team in their own division.
9: Las Vegas Raiders
I’ve given up on figuring out whether this team is good or not. They have three wins in three attempts. They shouldn’t have had to go to overtime to beat the Dolphins. They also shouldn’t have gotten to overtime against the Ravens in the first place. At the end of the day, it’s going to come down to this team playing .500 football the rest of the way, which will get them to ten wins, and a spot in the postseason. For the record, I still think Jon Gruden is terrible.
10: Denver Broncos
Two things can be true: this team is one of the last undefeated teams in the NFL. They also haven’t played a team that deserves to play in the NFL yet. Over the next month, three of their games are against the Ravens, Raiders, and Browns, all teams that are above them in the rankings. The defense is very real, but this offense is going to have to win an actual game at some point.
11: Tennessee Titans
I’m back to feeling very confident about this team clinching their division by Thanksgiving. The Colts look lost with their trash ass quarterback. The Jaguars are currently on an 18 game losing streak, and the Texans don’t care if they win or lose as long as everyone prays before and after every game.
12: Carolina Panthers
I just looked t the upcoming schedule for the Panthers, and holy shit, there is nothing outside of the Cowboys keeping this team from being 9-0. They have the Eagles, Vikings, Giants, Falcons, and Patriots coming up. Holy hell, this team could very well go into November with an 8-1 record. This league is so, so dumb.
13: New Orleans Saints
Fuck it. I don’t know what to make of this team, anymore. They are just going to keep vacillating between 12 and 24 every week depending on how shitty/great they look.
14: Seattle Seahawks
It’s way too early for this team to fall apart like this. Then again, going into the season, everyone kind of assumed the defense was trash. Now it really is trash, and idiots like me kept thinking they would figure it out. Oh well, live and learn. The 12th man is stupid.
15: Los Angeles Chargers
Justin Herbert is going to rewrite some record books over the course of his career. Here is hoping that his record breaking is more Peyton Manning style and not Dan Marino “never won shit” record breaking.
16: Kansas City Chiefs
I know this team will get it’s shit together at some point, but it’s super irritating that they are so convinced that they are going to do it, that they are no-showing the first half of an entire football season.
17: Dallas Cowboys
God-fucking-damnit. The Cowboys might be good now, aren’t they?
18: Cincinnati Bengals
How did this team lose to the Bears? Seriously, the Bears are a seagull eating out of a baby diaper this season, and the Bengals couldn’t even put on their big boy pants to win that game. Either way, at least the Steelers suck, right?
19: Pittsburgh Steelers
Tyler Boyd said it felt like this team quit before the game was even over. You know how desperately bad you have to be for the Bengals, the Washington Generals of football, to brag about your team giving up? Ben Roethlisberger desperately wishes he was living Jay Cutler’s life right now. And Jay Cutler is busy banging Vanderbilt sophomores. He truly is living the dream. No bullshit, you could be a former player like Greg Olsen, tripping over your words all day on tv, or the Manning boys, kinda watching football as they work on their grocery lists. Or you could be Jay Cutler, just fucking randoms and watching deer blind videos.
20: New England Patriots
Mac Jones sucks, and the world rejoices. It’s pretty thrilling to know that New England sucks again. Their fans were getting pretty full of themselves. That and racist. But they were always racist.
21: Washington Football Team
Antonio Gibson should be running the ball 40 times per game. Yes, this is a very selfish fantasy football thing. I don’t care. This team is going nowhere in a division that was built for literally everyone to be a contender. Give the ball to Gibson on first and second down, and they should be throwing to Logan Thomas and Terry McLaurin on third down. And that is fucking it.
22: Philadelphia Eagles
They got their absolute tits kicked in against Dallas. I’m sick of talking about the NFC East. They aren’t even bad enough to be historically bad, like the North is going to be. They are just mediocre bad now, which is worse than bad. It’s forgettable.
23: Minnesota Vikings
Congrats, you beat a team that i’m pretty sure isn’t good. The Vikings still suck. I’ll say that if they have five wins or nine wins this year. They aren’t getting more than nine wins. Fuck ’em.
24: Miami Dolphins
The Dolphins season is over. I’m fine with that fact. I don’t want to talk about them for the rest of the year. I’ll just use this spot every week for an out of context gif.
25: Atlanta Falcons
We are officially at the point where I’m not sure this team exists. Supposedly this team still exists and beat the Giants on Sunday. But can anyone prove it? Maybe the Giants were just the friends we made along the way.
26: Indianapolis Colts
Carson Wentz is worse than Philip Rivers. Empirical evidence says so!
27: Chicago Bears
Fire everyone. Shove Matt Nagy into a cannon and fire him at the sun.
28: Detroit Lions
Oh man, I almost feel bad for the Lions and their fans at this point. They got jobbed by the referees on Sunday, who failed to call a delay of game penalty at the end of the game. Then again, the Lions have to exist to make Bears fans feel better about themselves, so the horrible losses by this Dollar General team will continue until morale improves.
29: New York Giants
I can’t wait for this team to finish 3-14, get their choice of every top quarterback in the draft, and then fuck it up as they alwaays do.
30: Houston Texans
They lost on Thursday night football. They should lose every week on Thursday night football. Short of the NFL scheduling games on Tuesday mornings, Thursday night is the only place the Texans belong. If there was any justice with cancel culture, they would cancel this team back to hell, or whatever other sinful place these idiots believe in.
31: New York Jets
Zach Wilson is going to throw 50 interceptions this season. It will be glorious.
1,288,901: Jumping dick first into a wheat thresher
599,423,981: Jacksonville Jaguars
They threw a pick six on a Flea Flicker. That is magical. The Jaguars are truly rewriting the book on appaling.