Set fire to the infinite. We are destined to have a season where 20 teams finish 9-8 or 8-9. It’s not the future we want. But it’s the future we will get. Let’s do the week three power rankings.
1: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Tom Brady is on pace to throw 76 touchdown passes this season, and Rob Gronkowski is on pace for 34 of them. I’m not saying this will happen, but i’ve given up on the concept of believing it might not happen with this goddamn warlock and his forever frat bro tight end.
2: Los Angeles Rams
It’s weird to think that the three best teams in the NFL are in the NFC and that the Rams are one of them, in spite of getting limited production out of Aaron Donald so far this season. Cooper Kupp looks like the second coming of Jerry Rice and the offense looks like they will easily clear 500 points as a team this year.
That being said, they could be 2-3 in a few weeks. They are playing the Bucs (1st in my rankings), Cardinals (3rd), and Seahawks (9th) in consecutive weeks. This is looking like the most brutal stretch of the schedule that any team will face this season. If they can tread water through that though, they will be good, as they have the Giants, Lions, and Texans after that.
3: Arizona Cardinals
I’m leaving them at three for now, but i’m keeping my eye on this team. They did, after all, need the Vikings to miss a field goal at the end of the game to escape with a W, and the Vikings are absolute trash.
4: Kansas City Chiefs
It’s a little bit disappointing that a team this good is just sleeping through this season already. They had to make a comeback against the Browns after pulling a no-show act for half the game. Then they went ahead and lost to the Ravens on national television. Everyone knows this team is good, but there is a non-zero chance that this team gets bit this season before they make the Super Bowl.
5: San Francisco 49ers
This team is going to make a knee jerk reaction at some point and start Trey Lance. At that point, this team will fall apart. But it’s a lot easier for me to type Lance’s name than Jimmy Galapagos, so I personally will applaud this move.
6: Cleveland Browns
The AFC North suddenly looks more winnable than previously thought. The Ravens are going to have hot and cold nights. The Bengals have five of those wacky waving inflatable tube men as their offensive line, and the Steelers look really stupid by sticking with Ben Roethlisberger as their quarterback.
Then again, the Browns don’t have a functional wide receiver on their entire team, which, last time I checked, was still a necessary thing in the league.
7: Buffalo Bills
This offense still isn’t clicking like I thought. I had this team as a Super Bowl contender before the season, but I’m not even totally sure they can win the AFC East, which isn’t exactly a juggernaut of a division right now. They have the talent to get it figured out, but they have to do it with Josh Allen throwing for more than 175 yards, 2 tds and 1 int. Those are Rex Grossman numbers, right there.
8: Baltimore Ravens
I’m inclined to think that the team we saw on Sunday night is more likely to be the team we see every week. That being said, they still lost to the Raiders. That’s on them.
9: Seattle Seahawks
I won a nice parlay on Sunday because the Seahawks blew that game against the Titans. So I thank them for that.
10: Las Vegas Raiders
Derek Carr is playing the best football of his career and it’s always fun to see the Steelers lose. That said, they are still managed by past, present, and future coaching washout Jon Gruden, and he is physically incapable of finishing with a record better than 7-10. Something hilariously undignified will happen to this team.
11: Green Bay Packers
That probably should have been a bigger ass kicking than it was on Monday night. But a win is a win, and since they play in the worst division in football, they are still on pace to clinch the division by Halloween.
12: Tennessee Titans
Derrick Henry is back to being a human wrecking machine. He had 237 total yards from scrimmage on Sunday, which is a lot. If he stays healthy, the all time single season rushing record could be in play, which the NFL will celebrate and definitely gloss over the fact that the season is longer now. The NFL loves to rub it’s dick over the face of the history of this league.
13: Denver Broncos
It’s all fun and games until this team has to play some real competition. For example, this week they play.. ::checks notes:: the fucking Jets? Aww shit. Denver is going to be 3-0.
14: Pittsburgh Steelers
Everybody said that not having a backup quarterback that was any good would be a horrible idea going into the season, seeing as Ben Roethlisberger is ancient and hasn’t been any good in a couple years. The Steelers went ahead and didn’t do that. Now they are staring down the barrel of a season where their best receiver is in a walk year, their best running back is a first round draft pick in an era where you don’t waste a first round draft pick on a running back, especially when your offensive line is dogshit, and their defense will inevitably be completely injured by week eight. And there are still legitimately 18 teams in the league probably worse than them.
15: Carolina Panthers
I can’t tell if the Panthers are really good or the Saints are just a school bus fire that happened to catch a Packers team not ready for the start of the season. We will learn exactly nothing on Sunday, when they play the Texans, one of the worst run teams in NFL history.
16: Philadelphia Eagles
The Eagles play the Cowboys on Monday Night Football, which is further proof that all NFC East games should be flexed out of national television and played on Wednesday afternoons.
17: New Orleans Saints
Now THAT was the Saints that I was expecting to see at the beginning of the season. This is a bizarro Ravens situation. We saw the real Ravens in a good way in week 2. With the Saints, we saw the real team in all of it’s cap maxed, shitty glory.
18: New England Patriots
The Patriots are more likely to be a mediocre team this morning, and as the season goes on, Mac Jones will probably be exposed as a middle of the road quarterback. This is probably a terribly offensive thing that will anger Patriots fans, but they are too busy hating minorities to notice what I say.
19: Los Angeles Chargers
Who the hell loses to the Cowboys? In a defensive battle?? At home???
20: Miami Dolphins
Oh man, this is going to go poorly so quickly. I can almost guarantee that we are getting multiple players demanding a trade out of this godless swamp in the next few weeks.
21: Dallas Cowboys
Again, I understand that they are a television draw because this country has proven pretty overwhelmingly that they have terrible taste, but why does the NFL feel like they absolutely need to put this horribly coached team on national television every week? I know it gives Jerry Jones an excuse to get blisteringly drunk on a Monday, but at some point, he has to lose interest in watching his shiny turd of a franchise get their dicks kicked in nationally twice a month.
22: Washington Football Team
Welp, I think I can go ahead and stop hoping that Chase Young defensive player of the year bet will hit. Nobody is going to be paying an ounce of interest in this team the moment they have to play a few NFL teams.
23: Chicago Bears
The Bears continue to embarrass themselves, even after a victory. In his Monday press conference, when asked whether Justin Fields was now the starter over the injured Andy Dalton, head coach Matt Nagy said “I’m not going to discuss that. It’s a scheme issue.” The reporter correctly responded that the question was not a scheme issue, to which Nagy responded “It’s absolutely a scheme issue.”
No, it’s not you incompetent fuck. It’s a personnel issue. Then, after the conference, before the reporters left, a pr wonk came into the room and stated that Andy Dalton was still the starter if healthy. Jesus fucking christ, the guy is too big of a coward to even admit he is doing something super stupid. Dalton has to have something incriminating on Nagy, or Nagy is just a giant fucking idiot. I’m thinking it’s the latter.
24: Indianapolis Colts
It could be worse, though. The Colts have a spectacularly bad quarterback situation that will not get any better this season. Just gonna go ahead and waste that offensive line, aren’t ya. Also, what the hell happened to Jonathan Taylor? Is he still a thing?
25: Cincinnati Bengals
The worse fucking offensive line in the NFL. For three quarters, they made the 2021 Bears defense look like the 1985 Bears defense. Joe Burrow is going to seriously get himself killed out there because his line gives him approximately 0.4 seconds to get the ball out before he is getting aggressively assaulted by an opposing defense.
26: Minnesota Vikings
I’m not sure there are 17 different ways to embarrassingly lose football games, but I goddamn hope the Vikings find out this year. They have already got Blowout and Missed gimme field goal to end the game out of the way. I really hope Game Ending Safety happens this year.
27: New York Giants
This team is gonna go 4-13 and somehow their coach, Joe Judge, won’t get fired because the Giants are fucking stupid and are probably still psyched they have one of the worst branches off the Belichick coaching tree running this glorified company picnic bingo game of a football team.
It’s also worth noting that the reason there are so many taunting penalties this season because the Giants owner, and noted bag of whale shit, John Mara, pushed for it and got what he wants because his family has owned the team since they entered the NFL, so now apparently he is the arbiter of morality in a league that watches guys shorten their lives for our entertainment. Fuck John Mara, forever and always.
28: Atlanta Falcons
The Falcons play the Giants on Sunday, which unfortunately means that one of these teams will have a win at the end of the day. I suppose we could hope a hurricane hits New Jersey on Sunday so they can’t play. Or with these two teams doing their best impression of that gawd awful Metallica/Lou Reed album, it might just end in a tie. A glorious, horrible tie.
29: Detroit Lions
Baltimore is going to embarrass this team on Sunday. Like, pull your pants down in the middle of the school yard embarrassed.
30: Houston Texans
On Sunday, coach David Culley, who was probably only given the job to A: get people off the team’s ass about not wanting to hire minorities, and B: Culley probably taught a Sunday school class or something, which probably tickled the shit out of Jack Easterby, who runs this team even though his background is in being a giant fucking dork and the team chaplain for the Patriots, was given an option after a penalty was called against the opposing team after his team was unable to complete a long 3rd and 15. The choice was to accept the penalty and run another play on 3rd and 10. He chose not to accept the penalty, and was facing a 4th and 2. He punted.
Let me explain that again, because it deserves explanation. Instead of accepting a penalty and trying to convert a third down, he turned down the penalty and punted. That’s just some Level 10 NFL space brain. I would expect nothing more and nothing less from the Texans. Idiots.
31: New York Jets
Remember on Saturday Night Live, they used to have a recurring bit about people joining the five time hosting club? It was John Goodman and Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin and a few others. They would all always be there to help induct the newest member. The Jets have something similar for horrible quarterbacks. We are about a season away from Zach Wilson being inducted into the shitty Jets QB Club. Mark Sanchez will be there. Christian Hackenberg will be there. Geno Smith. There will be a cardboard cutout of Sam Darnold there, because he is currently saving his career in Carolina.
314,134,854: Jacksonville Jaguars
The Urban Meyer era is off to such a spectacularly bad start, it’s like Christmas every Sunday. The guy has no clue what he is doing, and he is almost assuredly going to pull a Bobby Petrino and quit midseason. Everyone knew it was a bad idea, and he has done everything humanly possible to prove everyone right. This is so wonderful. It’s 2021, and we still get to watch the Jaguars and Texans and Jets and Lions every week do their best to be an absolute, never ending disaster.