Everything is stupid. The NFL sucks. It’s an evil bitch goddess. God I missed it. Let’s do the week 2 power rankings!
1: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
If you are a fan of any other team in the NFC, Thursday was a truly depressing night. I mean, it doesn’t hurt that the Cowboys actively forgot that you could run the ball, but the Bucs were still game for a boxing match. The NFC still goes through that dumpy swap town.
2: Kansas City Chiefs
The sun rises. The Chiefs win. The sun sets. This team is not great at running the ball, but with every other facet of their offense rolling on all cylinders already, it probably won’t matter until we hit winter.
3: Los Angeles Rams
You can take any number of great quotes from Shawshank Redemption, and replace the name used with Matt Stafford, and the quotes still work. Of course, in this scenario, Detroit is prison.
“I could see why some of the boys took him for snobby. He had a quiet way about him, a walk and a talk that just wasn’t normal around here. He strolled, like a man in a park without a care or a worry in the world, like he had on an invisible coat that would shield him from this place.”
“I find I’m so excited I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it is the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. ”
“Matt Stafford, the man who crawled through 500 yards of shit and came out clean the other end”
4: Arizona Cardinals
Well hell, if you would have told me that Arizona would have had the most dominant game start to finish on Sunday, I’d have assumed the team DID, in fact, find that time machine to take their old ass players back to 2016.
5: Seattle Seahawks
I feel like we have told this story a million times before. Every year, the Seahawks trick us into thinking they are good by having a good September. Then in October, they trip up a little bit, but people still buy into the team because Russell Wilson is still there. Then, right until Thanksgiving, it will look like they have it all together to make a run. Then they will hit December and fall off a cliff. Pete Carroll is still a goddamn asshole.
6: Pittsburgh Steelers
Mother Fuck. Their defense is good again, isn’t it? This offense is going to struggle if Najee Harris averages two yards per carry forever. And Ben Roethlisberger looks like he is toast. But if the defense plays all season like they did on Sunday, they might even make it to the playoffs before collapsing.
7: Cleveland Browns
There is nothing wrong with losing to the back to back AFC champs in a game where Baker Mayfield completed 75% of his passes. The wide receiving corps does not look like a strength right now, and i’m not sure Odell Beckham coming back is going to help it that much.
8: Buffalo Bills
Part of me is like, “It’s one game on week one, don’t stress it.” But a whole different part of me is like “YOU DID THIS! YOU PUT YOUR GAMBLING FAITH IN THEM AND PAID THE PRICE!!” I think they get it figured out, but I feel like a pile of ass that I might have jinxed this team.
9: San Francisco 49ers
Ok, let’s talk for a second about that whoopsie-daisy that was the final few minutes of that Lions game. Now, it makes total sense that a team would step off the brakes when they have gotten as far out in the lead as the 49ers did. But holy hell, you aren’t, legally, allowed to make the Lions look like a competent and functional franchise with hopes and dreams of their future. Close the goddamn door on their faces. Shut it down. And shut it out.
10: Los Angeles Chargers
Ok, if you had told me they pulled off a tight win against Washington, then i’d be pretty justified in it. That being said, they won a tight game against a Taylor Heineke led Washington team. I desperately want to think the Chargers are ready to make the leap but that was a 14 point win that they won by six points on Sunday.
11: Green Bay Packers
Welp. That happened…
12: New Orleans Saints
I’m not even totally sure how to look at this game. It seems like it didn’t happen. like some weird fever dream. Everything that could have gone wrong for the Packers did. Everything that could go right for the Saints did. But deep down in the balls of my heart, I want this team to be good. I want them to make the NFC Championship game again. There will literally be nothing more thrilling to me than the idea that Jameis Winston will find some new, amazing way to blow a Super Bowl appearance for this team.
13: Philadelphia Eagles
Jalen Hurts might be good. I’m not sure. They were playing a trash ass XFL team. Jalen Hurts looked 1.4 million times better than he did last season, though. He looked like he knew how to run an NFL offense. He picked his spots to run. He was efficient. If this is the Jalen Hurts that shows up all season, the Eagles are, by far, the biggest favorites to win the NFC East.
14: Baltimore Ravens
Do I have to be the one who says it? Ok, fine. Lamar Jackson might suck.
15: Las Vegas Raiders
Goddamn that was fun. I’m not sure it will last all year, especially since their coach is still noted Hooters enthusiast, and guy who hasn’t had a winning season in like two decades Jon Gruden, but that’s the type of win, on national tv, that can propel a team to a big season.
16: Tennessee Titans
I feel stupid for having faith in this team.
17: Denver Broncos
The defense is good enough to make a Super Bowl run this season. The coaching for the defense is good enough to make the Super Bowl this year. The offense is still run by a check down artist, and the Broncos are running out of wide receivers faster than Texas is running out of democracy.
18: Cincinnati Bengals
I look forward to the Bengals being 2-0 and even farther up this list at this time next week after they win the “Andy Dalton Revenge Game.”
19: Miami Dolphins
I’m increasingly of the belief that this team is somehow going to end up 4-1, realize they have a golden opportunity, look at their quarterback situation in the same way children look like broccoli on their dinner plate, and trade for Deshaun Watson. I’m also increasingly of the belief that this is a good iea.
20: Dallas Cowboys
This offense might be really really good this season. That will be necessary, because this defense might be really really bad this year.
21: Washington Football Team
Well, when you start the best backup in the NFL, that usually means you don’t have a good actual backup. The WFT does not, and therefore this team s back to the suck ass bottom of the suck ass NFC East in a hurry. Don’t worry, the Giants are down there to brace your fall.
22: New England Patriots
Running back fumbles! Dumb penalties! The Patriots are back baby! And by that, I of course mean the late 80’s Patriots are back!
23: Indianapolis Colts
Any team that starts Carson Wentz deserves to lose every game they play for eternity.
24: Houston Texans
I’ve upgraded the Titans from abomination to merely shitty. I look forward to dropping them back into the cellar.
25: Carolina Panthers
It’s good to see Christian McCaffrey back. That said, beat an NFL team next and we’ll talk.
26: Minnesota Vikings
Kirk Cousins sucks at both a quarterback and a person, and I bath in his loser tears.
27: Chicago Bears
Imagine being a Bears fan, and spending the entire day watching fun football games, only to be forced to watch Matt Nagy and Andy Dalton eat a colossal amount of shit on national television, knowing that Nagy doesn’t have the fucking guts to start Justin Fields. This team is going to lose to the Bengals at home, and both men will get booed, deservedly so.
28: New York Giants
Jeeeesus christ, this team could simply fall off the face of the earth and nobody outside of a bunch of dumb New Yorkers would ever care. I really hope this team keeps losing so them and the Jets can live at the bottom of the Power Rankings in shitty Meadowlands harmony. Call them what they are: the Jersey Giants.
29: Atlanta Falcons
Oh now look at this dumpy ass team! Congratulations on drafting a tight end in the first round. That’s going to be super reassuring when you go 3-14 this season. They made the Eagles look unbeatable on Sunday, mostly because they don’t know what the hlel they are doing. They are completely directionless as rudderless as a franchise. Just a shitty NFL team spinning in circles in the middle of the ocean. Fuck off, Falcons, Atlanta is a Hawks town now.
30: Jacksonville Jaguars
In hindsight, it was foolish to do two things: rank the Jags in the 20’s in the first Power Rankings, and not betting Trevor Lawerence to throw the most interceptions in the NFL this season. He’s going to go full Jameis this year, but without the groping of the Uber drivers part.
31: Detroit Lions
Yea, that comeback was adorable. It doesn’t change the fact that the Lions got their absolute asses handed to them for 55 minutes by a team that lost interest in playing football at the end of the game. It’s good to see Deandre Swift wasn’t as fat as advertised in training camp. If you squint, you can see a functioning football team out there, as long as, when you squint, you don’t have to look at the offensive or defensive line.
673,439: New York Jets
I was a foolish, foolish man for thinking this flaming Yugo of a football team would be any other spot than last in the Power Rankings. And for that, i’m deeply, deeply sorry.