Fancy Boys Club 2021 NFL Power Rankings

We are back! With just a week until the first game of the season, i’m back to the do the hard work: to separate the good from the NFC East, and contenders from the Jets. If the 2020 NFL season taught us anything, then it has shown that bad teams are meant to stay bad. Middling teams are meant to stay middling teams. Great teams are meant to stay great teams. Except for the Patriots. They fell down an elevator shaft after Tom Brady left.

This is a quarterback league, and if you are able to get one, then you hang onto them with dear life. For every Aaron Rodgers or Russell Wilson, there are way more Blaine Gabberts and Christian Ponders. Ending up in quarterback hell means ending up in franchise hell. Here are the last eight Super Bowl championship winning quarterbacks:
Tom Brady
Patrick Mahomes
Tom Brady
Carson Wentz
Tom Brady
Peyton Manning
Tom Brady
Russell Wilson
Only Carson Wentz stands out as a one hit wonder on a list full of the quarterback equivalent of The Rolling Stones and Beatles.

So it stands to reason that having a top quarterback in the NFL is your best chance at success. That or just have Tom Brady literally every other year… And with that in mind, let’s do the first Power Rankings of the season! I’ll be adding in my picks for Super Bowl champions and major award winners. I’ll also be dragging a number of teams through the mud because I didn’t have enough fun doing it the last few weeks.

1: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The key to their success: Just keeping everyone healthy. Tom Brady might be afraid of tomatoes and lost to the immortal Nick Foles on national football after forgetting how many downs he had, but it didn’t end up mattering because Brady has a deep, talented roster and he really only needed to turn on his legend when the playoffs started. He raelly only has to do the same thing again this year. The NFC South is in….i’d say transition, but the Panthers and Falcons have been sinking into quicksand for years and the Saints actively got worse because they finally had to pay the salary cap piper.

I’m not sure how much longer of the a run the Bucs have in them, but they are still primed to make a deep run this season. Outside of whoever survives the West and the Packers, there really isn’t much in the NFC to fight. God, I really, really, really, really do not want Tom Brady to win a Super Bowl. He has so many rings, his next one will be fit onto his night shade fearing cock.

Projected Record: 12-5

2: Kansas City Chiefs

The key to their success: They need to really hope their cobbled ass together offensive line doesn’t get Patrick Mahomes murdered. Mahomes has a bad habit of getting the piss kicked out of him a lot of the time in an effort to drop the sickest, most Tik Tokable alley oop pass to some eleventh string tight end. Since the end of last season, they have completely overhauled their offensive line, and not necessarily for the better.

They were able to drag Kyle Long off of the golf course to come out of retirement, and he proceeded to injury his knee before seeing the field. They have Orlando Brown Jr., who IS NOT Orlando Brown. Joe Thuney is in to prove to for the millionth time that players aren’t worth a damn the moment they leave the Patriots. And i’m just as disappointed as everyone else to find out that new center Creed Humphrey isn’t Creed from The Office.

As long as Mahomes, Tyreek Hill, and Travis Kelce are still on the roster, this team will still be pretty damn good. The defense isn’t bad. Half of the division is still trash. Until further notice, the AFC still goes through Kansas City.

Projected Record: 12-5

3: Buffalo Bills

MY PICK FOR NFL MVP: Josh Allen.

MY PICK TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL: Bills

God help me, i’m all in on the Bills and their table breaking fan base. Mostly because of their quarterback. I was absolutely convinced that Josh Allen would fall flat on his face when he was drafted out of Wyoming or whatever dumb state that shouldn’t actually be it’s own state up in the butt cheek of America. He has gleefully proved me wrong. I love the Bills and their franchise. Their fans tend to make me look skinny, and I really appreciate that.

His connection with Stefon Diggs was unmistakable. The fact that he has two glorified practice squad players as a backfield committee and soon to be former NFL player and current-and-forever dickhead Cole Beasley on the team isn’t dampening my enthusiasm for the upcoming season for Allen and the Bills. If you squint your eyes just enough, you can see the quarterback hierarchy in the NFL being Mahomes, Aaron Rodgers, and then Josh Allen coming in hard to pass Russell Wilson and Lamar Jackson.

Now that i’ve given him the kiss of death, i’ll go ahead and set myself on fire. But I can say that is where my money is going this season: Josh Allen for MVP and the Bills for the Super Bowl.

Projected Record: 12-5

4: Green Bay Packers

The key to their success: Oh just give them the damn division. There isn’t a single damn team in the NFC North outside of the Packers that are even gonna win nine games. 75% of this division looks like the NFC East. The Pack are the only team that make any sense to emerge, unless Aaron Rodgers quits mid-season and fucks off to some island with whoever the hell he is dating this week. I think I speak for millions of people who live in the Chicago, Minneapolis, and Detroit area who can’t fucking wait for the Jordan Love era to begin.

The Packers return the bulk of a defense that gave up the 8th fewest yards last season. Of course, their defense could be entirely composed of Bishop Sycamore players and they would stil have the division wrapped up by Halloween because they have Rodgers and Davante Adams. Oh, and Robert Tonyan seemed pretty decent. Aaron Jones is good. Whatever. I’m already over the fact that the Bears are going to get absolutely whipped by this team twice this season.

Projected Record: 14-3

5: Baltimore Ravens

The key to their success: Quarterback play. I keep swaying back and forth whether this is too high or not for the Ravens. On one hand, they are a consistently good team who always seems to have the best guys on the field at all times. On the other hand, I can’t help but think we are going to look back someday at Lamar Jackson’s MVP and wonder if maybe Michael Thomas and his 149 receptions, or Christian McCaffrey’s god tier fantasy season deserved it more. On the other hand, they have one of the smartest front offices in football who consistently find talent at all points in the draft so they are continually ready to have a player in a position to succeed if someone gets injured or leaves in free agency. On the other hand, their starting running back just tore his ACL in a completely meaningless preseason game.

Projected Record: 11-6

6: Los Angeles Rams

The key to their success: Keeping the defense in one piece. The offense is going to score, and probably score a lot. Cooper Kupp and Robert Woods are about to go from making a bad quarterback look good, to having a good quarterback get his first chance to prove himself after getting traded out of football Siberia. They don’t have anything remotely resembling a competent running back room, and that also probably won’t matter. Matt Stafford could put up the best season of his career .The offense will hum.

The defense is good, but they have to be slightly better than good to get out of the NFC West in one piece. Aaron Donald is still the defensive god we all pray to on Sunday morning, and Jalen Ramsey continues to be great. Beyond that, i’m waiting for Leonard Floyd to prove that last season wasn’t some aberration. And I really do not believe in their safeties. This could turn into a weekly Big 12 game with whoever they are playing if anything goes wrong in the secondary.

Projected Record: 12-5

7: Tennessee Titans

The key to their success: Not to fuck this up before the playoffs. The Titans have, by far, the easiest path to the playoffs in the NFL. They play in a division that should be considered embarrassing, if anyone had the power to be embarrassed in the NFL. Currently, the AFC South is comprised of the Titans, Boise St, Chino Mens Correctional Facility, and the Jaguars.

Projected Record: 13-4

8: Cleveland Browns

The key to their success: proving they can do it again. The team is going to be good, but they are the Browns. They have to prove to literally everyone that they could be good for more than one season.

Projected Record: 11-6

9: Seattle Seahawks

The key to their success: Russell Wilson forgetting how much he hates it there. Everyone is going to try to forgive and forget, but the Seahawks play in a tough division and if they start slow, people are going to start to remember that Wilson tried to get himself traded during the offseason. The defense isn’t any good, so they are going to have to win a lot of shootouts.

Projected Record: 10-7

10: Washington Football Team

The key to their success: Figuring out to do with an actual quarterback…sorta. It’s been said a million times, but Ryan Fitzpatrick is good for around seven games each season, is mediocre for four games, and an absolute disaster for six. Since WFT plays in the East, they don’t need him to be good for that many games, it does stand to reason that they will have to probably win at least nine games this season to make the playoffs.

The defense is good enough to win real NFL divisions, and they have talent in place, but if Fitzpatrick fails, they are going to be stuck with Kyle Alan (not the comedian) again, and that did not work out well for them last year.

Projected Record: 10-7

11: Los Angeles Chargers

My Pick for Defensive Player of the Year: Joey Bosa

This is in no way a statement that I believe the Chargers defense is good. It isn’t. It could be pretty bad, actually. But that is going to help make Bosa stand out, like a rose in a sewage treatment facility. Bosa is going to have a big defensive season on a team that will otherwise be completely dependent on their offense to not completely shit the bed.

Projected Record: 9-8

12: Pittsburgh Steelers

The key to their success: Najee Harris being the real deal. The Steelers used a first round pick on former Alabama star Harris, and now he is the clear cut number one back on the team, expected to have a massive workload, what with Ben Roethlisberger appearing to have spent his past few offseasons touring the country, competing in pie eating competitions at county fairs. If Harris can be a 1300 yard, 10 touchdown guy, then this team has every chance to be a playoff contender. That said, their offensive line sucks. So there’s that.

Projected Record: 9-8

13: Arizona Cardinals

The key to their success: Find a time machine. I mentioned this in the season preview, but this team needs to find a way to turn their team back into 2016, again. If not, they are running the risk of having injury issues all year and that could end up causing a very long season.

Projected Record: 9-8

14: San Francisco 49ers

The key to their success: Keeping Trey Lance off the field. Kyle Shanahan is a great offensive coach, and in time, there is a chance that Lance could be a top quarterback in this league. 2021 is not that season. Jimmy G is not anyone’s idea of a franchise altering quarterback, but he can keep the ship from sinking for a season.

Projected Record: 9-8

15: Dallas Cowboys

My Pick for Defensive Rookie of the Year: Micah Parsons

Parsons flies around the field like his pants are on fire. He is going to make a ton of mistakes and blow a million coverages. But because of the way he plays, he is going to get ton of tackles, and for awards like this, it’s going to be counting stats like tackles and sacks that voters are going to look at.

OK EVERYONE, LIGHTNING ROUND!

16: Miami Dolphins

They will probably turn back into a pumpkin. They have no quarterback, and now they don’t have a backup quarterback.

Projected Record: 8-9

17: Indianapolis Colts

Not my fault they have a complete and utter syphilitic dickhole for a quarterback, but it is going to kill their season.

Projected Record: 7-10

18: Cincinnati Bengals

The team still has no offensive line and their defense is trash. Burrow is going to end up with three more torn ACL’s this season because their team doesn’t understand that he isn’t magic.

Projected Record: 6-11

19: New England Patriots

My Pick for Offensive Rookie of the Year: Mac Jones

Mac Jones is going to get 17 games with a competent team. That’s more than I can say about the Jaguars. I do hope he sucks ferociously, though.

Projected Record: 7-10

20: New Orleans Saints

Remember in the softball episode of The Simpsons, when Ozzie Smith fell into the Springfield Mystery Spot? I really wish that would happen to Taysom Hill. And Sean Payton loves Pitt the Elder.

Projected Record: 6-11

21: Minnesota Vikings

Imagine what this team would be if they had a quarterback, and not some slack jawed Qanon shit stain as their quarterback?

Projected Record: 5-12

22: New York Giants

This team has a lot of good stuff going for it. The defense could be good. The offense has a lot of talent. But have you ever had to make a copy at work? Have you ever tried to make a copy of the copy? Well there is a loss of quality when it happens. In that vein, Peyton Manning is the original. Eli Manning is a copy of a copy. Daniel Jones is a piece of paper that an old good lost it’s bowels on.

Projected Record: 6-11

23: Denver Broncos

Everything I said about the Giants, but with an even worse quarterback.

Projected Record: 5-12

24: Philadelphia Eagles

I want Jalen Hurts to be good, just because any level of competence by him shows just how incompetent the front office of this team is for trying to bench him last year, then firing the coach, then panicking and trading Carson Wentz and keeping Hurts, as if none of the previous things had happened. That Super Bowl win is a long time ago.

Projected Record: 6-11

25: Chicago Bears

Fuck this fucking team.

Projected Record: 0-41

26: Las Vegas Raiders

If any other person had pulled tis shit, they would have been fired from damn near any team in the NFL. Jon Gruden will probably get an extra decade and half a billion dollars tacked onto his extension. This is one of the thing i’m most happy to be right about. I’ve been saying since the drop that this was a bad idea and he wasn’t a good coach. No other team in the league deserves him more, though.

Projected Record 6-11

27: Jacksonville Jaguars

The only good thing Urban Meyer will ever do as coach of this team is accidentally admitting that whether a player was vaccinated or not played into whether a guy got cut. Of course, since he is in Florida, a noted godless shithole, he had to backtrack and apologize, because his fan base, consisting exclusively of meth gators and people who think TGI Fridays is fancy, lost their shit.

Projected Record: 4-13

28: Atlanta Falcons

::in Green Day voice:: Wake me up, when Matt Ryan endddsssss

Projected Record: 4-13

29: Carolina Panthers

The only thing about this team worth looking forward to is to find out what weird illness Sam Darnold gets this season. I’m really hoping for scurvy.

Projected Record: 3-14

30: Detroit Lions

God bless the Lions. Most teams, when looking for a coach, go for the hot coordinator of the moment, or the innovative college coach. I thought big dumb idiots getting undeserved jobs was over. And the Lions went and hired Dan fucking Campbell, a man with the relative intelligence of a bassoon, and without any of the charm. Dan Campbell is what happens if CTE becomes sentient.

Projected Record: 3-14

78,129: New York Jets

I, like everyone else, look forward to finding out how this team will ruin Zach Wilson. It’s going to be something intensely stupid like Wilson losing an arm because the Jets insist on him coming onto the field before games from out of a helicopter. There is nothing even remotely good about this team and I wish that they would just bring Frank Gore back, because at least watching him run for two yards per carry and then going and getting his AARP early bird dinner at IHOP is very touching.

Projected Record: 1-58

4,919,118: Houston Texans

Give Texas back to Mexico. Build a wall around it, and let human vomit stains like Jack Easterby fend for himself.

Projected Record: 0-infinity

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